Can I sue my mom for falling on purpose?

Wow. This is a very disfunctional situation, isn't it?

I think that you can sue just about anybody for just about anything, but that doesn't mean you'd win. How could you prove that she's "doing it on purpose"?

I take it that you moved your family into your mother's home a couple of years ago, and have been her caregiver. Is that right? And now that her doctor is suggesting that she needs more care than you can provide, you are worried you will have to move out and get a job to support your family. Hmmm ...

Have you looked into what it would take to get her into a nursing home? If she has no other assets besides the house, she will probably need to apply for Medicaid. I believe in most cases she does not have to give up the house, although after she dies Medicaid may have claims on it to repay what they have spent on her care. Whatever income she has coming in each month will probably need to go toward her room and board in the nursing home, with small allowance for personal expenses. So, yes, it does look like you'd have to make other arrangements for your own living expenses, but perhaps could continue to live in her house.

It is up to you, but instead of getting a lawyer to sue Mother, I think it would be a better investment to contact an Elder Law attorney to help set things up for if/when she needs to be cared for in a skilled nursing facility.

No job is guaranteed to be forever. Companies close. New managment wants to bring n their own people. Companies merge and downsize. In the case of caregivers, clients get better and don't need continued care, or they get worse and need more care, or they decide they'd prefer a different setting. Or they die. When you took on the job of caregiving Mother, with the job benefits of you and your children having a home and support, there was always the possibility that it wouldn't last forever.

Good luck to you as you work through what is best for Mother and how to support your family.

If Mom is falling to "get attention," maybe she needs more attention! It's a rather extreme measure to get it. Parents will tell you that children would rather be punished for being bad than ignored. Can you see if there is an Adult Day Care where you mom could go to get some socializing? There is also a condition called Münchausen Syndrome where people injure or feign illness so they can go to the doctor. Doctors and nurses are compassionate and show sympathy so it's easy to see why someone would do this.

Instead of suing your mother, who probably also has some dementia, rethink how you are interact with her. If she sits in front of a television all day and is treated as a houseplant, she may be bored or just wants SOMEONE to notice her. Check with your community for Eldercare services, as they may have a Social Worker who can come and assess her needs for you.

It is admirable to be able to take care of our parents but it is a job we must want to do! They cared for us and now it's our turn to repay them.

I don't think I'd ever consider sueing my mom...it just would seem to be a waste of money and alot of hurt feelings. Does your mom use a walker? If not maybe it's time to invest in one. If your mom is how my mom was when she was needing me as her caregiver I know that it was really hard to her to have to give up her independance and that she hated having to admit that she was needing help. It is hard to know whether she's doing it on purpose or not...but I do know that when we we're considering placing our grandparents into a carehome that they would have to sell their home to have the money to cover the care which was atleast $2000. a month. Have a heart to heart with your mom and try and find out why she's falling. Life changes fast and is unpredictable. It is hard work and emotional, so don't beat yourself up. You and your children will find a way.

Without knowing what's wrong with your mother mentally and if it IS just attention she's seeking, then find her some activity that fills in for the attention she lacks. Hire a companion for her if you can't give her as much time as she needs. And if she's just being ornery about the whole falling thing, tell her next fall and she's in a nursing home.

Honestly, I cannot believe your Mom is falling on purpose, how can anyone tell and why would she do such a thing, maybe she is dizzy or sick. I agree if she is ok and falling that it sounds like she does need more attention.I wouldnt leave her side if it were my Mother that had a fall, why isnt someone next to her when she walks? For a doctor to threaten her with a nursing home, I think is just down right WRONG. If you want to sue your own mother, you shoudnt be her caretaker. Are you just taking care of her for money, or for love. Geesh the more I read the more I realize how lucky my Mom is to be with me. I am in shock with this posting, sorry. I wish your Mom the best.

luvmom, I realized 3 things by reading on these boards: 1) I am very, very lucky to have 3 sisters who carry most of the load of caring for our mother, who is still in her home, while I care for my husband with dementia. We get along, without agreeing about everything. We would never undermine each other or be spiteful. 2) We are all extremely lucky that Ma has always had a very pleasant personality and has not been changed by her impairments 3) Ma is lucky to have all of us!

It is also a blessing that none of us has ever expected an inheritence. It keeps money out of the picture entirely.

Yes indeed, these discussion boards have been very educational.

As to the doctor, luvmom, it is hard for us to know whether he "threatened" the mother with a nursing home, or pointed out that if she continues to fall then apparently she isn't getting sufficient care where she is and may need a more supervised environment. Lordy, I hope the medical profession doesn't see long term care placement as a punishment!

I agree Jeanne, I dont have any sibling help but my Mom is lucky. My mom wanted so badly to never burden anyone and was so independent. My Mom begged me to shoot her if she ever needed a nursing home, we had many laughs over it. Wouldnt you know, she gets dementia! Poor thing! To her, mentioning a Nursing home would feel like a threat, thats what I meant. I dont think its right to say.
night

wow that just blew me away . sue ur mother , oh my goodness ,
maybe ur mother should sue you ? how would u feel about that ?
u dont sue a sick elders . you get old , u do fall , get her a walker
and save tons of money instead of blowing it al on laywers and heartaches .
she needs to spend the money she has on medical things for her .
dont take that away from her , u dont sue ur parents . xoxo

First of all it is not the doc's decision when to place her and she could very well be doing it on purpose my mil fell and the other person did not even touch her she craved attention my husband would make sure he fell if I asked him to do something for himself to punish me. As some others said you can probably stay in her home for the time being even if she is placed but when she passes on the home belongs to the nursing home if it is in her name if it is in trust and has been for the past 5 years they can not touch it you need to see an elder lawyer you can use her money for that because it benefits her and he can steer you in the right direction you will have to get a job and provide a home for your family that is a given because when she died the nursing home will get her home maybe you can pay rent but the elder lawyer would be able to advise you you need to get started yesterday there is no time to waste adult children of today have to assume that anything their parents own will be needed for their own care and not to be passed on unless the elders have done so when they were younger because the look back period now is 5 years and most parents do not plan ahead for many resons-I hate to be blunt but you need tp plan for your own family and be glad your Mom has a house as an assest for her care in the comming years and they will take her money-if she has what they consider too much she will have to pay for the care until she has spent down that includes her life insurance you and she can prepay the funeral which is over $6000.00 at this time but that is all she will be allowed to have the lawyer can help you with the medicaide application which is a bear to do believe me or the social worker in the nursing home she will be in-but again the doc has no say but if he feels she is in a unsafe situation he or she can report this to APS and they will tell you what I and the others have told you already-it is to your benefit to start the ball rolling-the time is now.

What?? You can TRY to sue your Mom...... but really. A judge would throw this out. Good luck getting a lawyer too. You know lawyers charge big bucks per hour for their services and pro bono is rare. What would you sue her for? Please, not everyone can just sue because they think they can. The courts would be so backed up it would be crazy. I know, I have three lawyers in my family. Besides, sounds like your Mom has some real issues that could be emotional, mental or physical. Are you living with her to have a place to live or really care for her. Maybe she needs to be in a nursing home. This is, as one person said, very dysfunctional. You can bet the doctor sees right through this. Let's give him some credit too.

Have you asked your mother why she is falling? Ask her what it is she is hoping to gain from falling & explain to her at her age, she could break a bone! If it were me, I think I would seek her some mental health help, if she is falling on purpose! At least you would have documentation in case you get accused of elder abuse!

I don't think any of us need to scold this person, she is clearly under stress & is asking all of us for help! Help she needs, scolding she does not need. Maybe she just didn't know how to approach this subject!

Let's all try to help steer her in the right direction! Maybe mom just needs to be kept busy during the day, taking her to senior centers for craft classes, etc. Call your local senior centers! It would be interesting to see if she tries the same thing at the senior center or if she is kept so busy, maybe she wouldn't! Maybe even get her in some senior aerobic classes. All these things together wouldn't be expensive at all, as long as she has insurance for the mental help! There are also swimming aerobics for seniors at local health clubs, etc. Do you see where I am going with this????

I pray for you & sending a hug! Taking care of a able bodied senior is hard enough, but with one who is not stable, it is even more difficult!

I would have a very complete neurological exam done and also a physical exam. I do think that people often do things for attention but this does seems somewhat extreme. Is she suffering with one of the many things elders aquire that causes her to be weaker and not think or reason well. I would encourage you to get an elder care specialist to help. I don't think that litigation is the answer.

I would agree, this is pretty dysfunctional, but I can see it happening. Suing your mom is probably not the best answer, in my opinion. If she is falling on purpose, and there is truly nothing wrong with the amount of attention she receives already, then my first thought is that she needs psychological help, not a judgement against her. And, if she needs help walking, etc, then a walker, cane, or even a wheelchair might help.

Yes, medicaid will require that she sell her home and use the proceeds for her care. When that is gone, or 'spent down', then medicaid will pick up the tab for a nursing home. You can also use the proceeds for things like prepaid funeral arrangements, etc.

Bottom line is, Mom needs help, either medically or psychologically, and suing her at this point is more about you needing help than giving her the care she needs. My suggestion is for you to buy the house on contract, trading your skills for helping her each month as payment. If she agrees to this, then you can avoid a lot of the issues when it really is time to think about a nursing home. Get rid of your own insecurity about losing a home, and you'll be a better caregiver. I also suggest you get a counselor to help deal with your own resentment regarding your mother. I, too, have a difficult Mom, and it has led to depression and anxiety on my part, which leads to irrational responses to various situations. A year ago, I probably would have been on board with suing. lol I was so angry I was more of a danger to her than a help. She's in NH now, and things have gotten better as my stress level went down. We all have our limits.

Good luck. :)

M1953 - It is well within the comments of those here to "scold" someone who only appears to be caring for her mother so she has a home to live in with her children. Caring for an elderly person is not something anyone should be doing out of self-interest. Yes, if there are assets available, the caregiver should be compensated. If our parent/loved one needs to go into a nursing home, then their assets should be used to cover it. All caregivers need to plan for the future when they are no longer giving care.

The assumption that the daughter's "rights" to a home were more important than providing good care for her mother was wrong from my point of view. When you ask for advice, some of it may not be what you want to hear. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. Many of us offered numerous suggestions of using a walker, day care, social workers, and assessment evaluations for this elderly mom and where the priority should be.

very valid point M1953!!!

I am with "luvmom"
If you would stoop so low as to sue your own mom is definitely wrong. The Bible says it is wrong to even sue another christian, much less your own mom.
yes, you should not be the one to be her caregiver. You are being very selfish. She is your MOM for better or worse. Sorry that is the way I feel. Get her another caregiver right away.

Wow, sorry if my post seemed as if I was scolding kittycats, but when I reread her post, well I just came to the same conclusion. But it is not my place to scold anyone and if I offended I am sorry. This is a good sight to get help and information. And there are alot of nice, nice people here. I hope you find peace kittycats, who am I to scold you.

JulieQ: I think there is no doubt that some people need scolded, however for some reason this particular one just screamed for help! I think too that maybe her question was a little sketchy, lets give her a chance to maybe elaborate on the issue. I think it is wrong to assume that she is only after mom's money or house, maybe there isn't much money & maybe the house isn't worth much. My point is simply that people should try to help others, more than judge or scold. That's just who I am! I know people have a right to their thoughts, but a really intelligent person who was an adoption therapist of 30 some years, once told me that she always thought that "just because a thought goes through a person' head, doesn't mean a person needs to say it!" I think there is a lot of truth to that! Sometimes words can really push a person overboard that is already struggling!

kitycat . plz respsone back an d let us know , whats going on . ure getting scolding cuz it blew us away but if u could explain a lit bit of whats going on maybe it would shed some light on us .
dr says if she falls one more time she will have to go to nursing home . kinda makes me wonder if the doc himself knew shes in no shape to be cared by you ?
anyway keep in touch .

Way to go guys, hit her while she's down. Have you never said something in frustration that you didn't really mean? While I can't speak for kittycats, I can say that being judged by self righteous fellow "caregivers" is not what this site is about.

I really hope you take to heart what these folks have told and if you need to understand better go to the Gross Out thread there are folks who are in the trenches now or have been and you will see what caregiving is all about it was started by Bobbie and added to by other for over a year and you will understand what others are going through or have in the past and are there because we are friends who steped up when the going got rough and also helped others-it made me a better caregiver and also saved my sanity-just for others to say they understood was a God send for me-now I am there to help others and to continue my friendships with these good people who get it.

kittycats38 ... so many people judge so harshly and how they know your full situation from one short paragraph is beyond me. I once posted a question and got slammed from all ends, and I will never ask another question on this site. However, it is really helpful to me to just read questions and responses. I hope you don't feel too bad after reading some of the responses. We do not know your whole situation, but I sure wish you the best. Caregiving is a tough, tough job, and some people are very fortunate to be caring for a pleasant individual, but some are caring for individuals that are manipulative, and not so easy to get along with. I'll be thinking about you ... hope things work out!

M1953, thank you for raising your concerns in a polite and civil manner. I think we would all welcome kittycat coming back and explaining the situation a little further. I did some reading-between-the-lines in the very first response 4 days ago but kitty has not been back to confirm or clarify.

With writing and no body-language clues it is hard to tell how seriously kitty meant the question. Some people say things like "I could kill him for saying that," when they have no homicidal tendencies at all. Maybe kitty was using suing her mother in that same way. But with nothing else to go on I think we needed to take her seriously, at face value.

Yearight, do you think that it is not OK to scold on these boards but it is OK to do name-calling? All of us are caregivers. All of us have stressful lives, and sometimes we are near or over the edge ourselves. People who respond are as worthy of your compassion as the person who posted the question. We can certainly disagree about what an appropriate response is. I hope we can do it without labeling others "self righteous." I've only been here a couple of months, but I think this site is about mutual respect.

No. No frivolous suits here. In addition, the doctor has no authority to send anyone to a nursing home.

If a doctor thinks an elderly person (or a child) is being abused, they have a responsibility to report it to authorities or possibly lose their license to practice. I'm NOT saying there is elder abuse in this situation. A number of people have said a doctor has no authority to send someone to a nursing home. Maybe not directly but they do have a responsibility to their patient. Referring their patient to the authorities or having a social worker appointed to assess the person's home situation are well within a doctor's job. Medical personnel are well formed in suspecting child or elder abuse.

Most important is her diagnosis!? Then what meds is she taking? If her mind is not fuctioning properly and if she is in danger to herself or others, this is the criteria for 24/7 care. If a homelife situation is not the answer she needs a facility that can keep her stable and out of harms way. Harming ones self is a sign of mental instability. My Mom was climbing out of windows to get out of the house and walking up a dangerous mountain road, all just to go for a walk and to resist my care (she saw it as control,in which from her view I had control). I had to have her admitted to a behavioral health hospital. I did everything I could to keep her safe and healthy. Yes it stressed me out and yes I was tired, and I had to fight with family members to keep her in a comfy homey situation. It got to the point my care was not enough! I had to let my head think and not my heart. That was the best thing I could have done for us both. She is now being cared for... in ways, I see now, I could have never provided. In a NH she has a greater quality of life and all her daily needs are provided. Although a burden for the time and care I give her I am blessed she is still here for now. I went above and beyond to do my best but mental illness is a losing battle. I now hope that if I am in her shoes someday I have someone who treats me with the same respect, as I do her.

I am brand new to this site. I hope my question is accepted better than this one. Surely everyone who is a caretaker has at some point wanted to scream. I love my mom, but I never expected to be her caretaker. When my dad passed I promised him I would take care of her because I was the only one willing to step up. I get frustrated at times because this woman who was once independent and able to do so much has become so dependent that my life has ceased to exist. It's frustrating! No, I would never sue my mother, although I, too, believe my mother has fallen on purpose at times. I can't go visit my daughter without her falling. I came to this blog looking for coping mechinisms and I think that that's what kittycat38 is looking for. Some of your answers were very helpful. Some people need to realize that not everyone has a Norman Rockwell mother. Everyone has a bad day at times, even the most perfect mother. I say give kittycat38 the benefit of the doubt. Don't you think if she really wanted to sue her mother she would have contacted a lawyer instead of this site?

Mare, if it was intended as a joke or a play on word then she should have said so from the beginning. I hope you stay with the sight, but you will see that some questions are asked and then the original "asker" never returns to make a comment. I am sorry all you got out of this was the negative. some very good suggestions and support were also stated.. This is a public forum. If someone posts and asks a question, then we are going to answer... sorry if you did not like the answers.. hope you find a thread that is more to your needs. hugs to you.

I care for my Mom too and I agree there are times I would like to scream... However I know that she needs me, and I also know I will not have her forever. My Father went to heaven last July... I miss him SO much! take care Mare and God bless... Stay with us please

anybody ask question yes we answer it , yes most ofthe time they dont come back . anytime u see a questions that blows you away , hell yes ! you dont sue ur elders im sorry , its just plaine wrong . think about it , can i sue my mom for fallin down as a purpose , uhhhhh somethings wrong here . sue me if i crap my pant ! it just all wrong ! so wrong . sometimes we do need to be a lit harsh cuz there is so many people out there just dont give a crap about thier parents and it just burns my hindend .
kitycat - i still say to u , you dont sue ur parents but if ure saying you dont mean to say that then u shal lcome back and vent more and we could help u out in other ways . i have vented and i have cried and i have felt better , AC is a lifesaver to us all .
AGAIN YOU DO NOT SUE UR MOM ....