My mum died 8 years ago and i wasn't there for her. I had a very hectic life and was trying to maintain a career as a manager. At the time of my mums death i was driving to work on the motorway and my dad phoned and said that my mum had just died. When he said it i had to swerve of the motorway, i was so distraught.
I remembered the day before that my niece had phoned to cancel me and my wife visiting my mum and dad because she sad that nanny was poorly. I thought nothing of it as my dad phoned up later and said that she was under the weather and best to leave it for that day. Well, that happened every so often, but mum at 67 was alright most of the time and alhough she did have breathing problems from time to time caused by her being a heavy smoker up to the age of 55, I didn't really think anything more it.
But i never realised that my mum was that ill. Even when they rang me to say that they had taken her into hospital for her breathing. I was under so much stress and working 100 miles away from my home and i knew they would take good care of her.
But then they rang to say she died. Well, i got to hospital and my legs gave out under me when i arrived there. We spoke to the doctor and he said did i want to see her. At first i said no and then when i walked past the door of the room she was in I had this awful feeling that i should check that she was actually dead.
When i saw her, it was like looking at a cardboard cut-out and the body didn't even really look like her. I said to my sister as soon as i saw her "that's not my mum" and then as i left kissed my mum on the forehead and then walked out.
At the funeral i didn't even cry and was laughing and joking with friends and family about things when we congregated after the funeral.
But i felt that after she died something inside me died and after 4 years of panic attacks and bad work relationships i finally had a nervous breakdown.
I've been off work with depression for nearly 5 years now and feel like my mind and body have died. It feels like when i kissed my mum on the forehead in the hospital that her dead spirit went inside me and with the guilt of not being there for her, i am now not able to live a happy life. In fact it is like i am now the living dead. I feel numb about death and i have closed my self down with my feelings of agoraphobia. Like i have cut off all avenues, to honour my dead mum.
Like i am living a life of hardship, because of my guilt.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it does, can anyone share any advice of how I can change my life around, because although i planned suicide something else has been pulling me back from the brink.
I've only just realised that mums death is the core of my problems, because at 48 so much has happened to me in my life and i wasn't able to see what the real problem was.
Thank you for any advice