How do I stay positive when I am surrounded by such negativity?

When a parent is verbally abusive, even if its the disease, we don't stand there and just
take it. I personally, walk away for several hours till I can calm down. Dementia is a cruel disease, but we still need to keep out dignity and respect no matter what.

I'm so glad I found this because I feel such a heaviness in my heart with my mother's words and actions. Kindred spirits all of you. My mom today is just a glimpse of the person I grew up who was warm, supportive, encouraging, and the one person I knew who believed in me. Now she is bitter, spiteful, cruel, utterly judgmental (not only of me but of most everyone) and a liar. And I have to wonder sometimes - the awful things she says to and about me - did she always think those things about me and hid it or is this a part of the changes?

I also cared for my mom who said "you take better care of your dog than you do me." My husband had the most wonderful answer. "I give my dog something to eat, a warm home and somewhere to sleep ----- I am doing the same for you." She did not have a comeback. My mom was negative, hateful, violent, and practiced poor hygiene. However, she was still smart enough to know exactly how much money she had, how to hide her medicine and how to play a pity party.

Tiredonlygirl, I'm so sorry you had to hear those words from your mother. First of all you so very loveable, so look at the irony of hearing those non-sensical words from your mother. In one ear and out the other..... Find time to rest and to nurture yourself, as others have said here.

Hannahleigh you are spot on! I've started doing check-ins with my Daugther asking her to tell me what she thinks of me and if there are certain behaviors that I should adjust. ( Hubby and I do this as well) I sure dont want to be "that" old woman that nobody wants to be around. I practicing kindess and happiness everyday and hope it sticks with me into my golden years.

Girl, this made me sad! My husband and I started making a list years ago of how NOT to treat other people as we age. This was, and still is, a direct result of his dad's bad behavior. Withholding affection, verbal abuse, and just general nastiness are a few of his better traits. Whenever he does something particularly ugly, I whip out a little notepad and write it down right in front of him. He always asks what I'm doing, and I tell him I had to write something down so I don't forget it. And that's the truth...we are reinforcing our OWN positive behaviors because we sure as heck can't change his awful ones! I look upon myself as an "observer" in my FIL's life, and am learning lessons for my future. He is teaching me a lesson, but not the ones he believes he is...by seeing the negative effect he has on others, he's teaching me to be a better person when I am a senior, to continue to love and respect those around me, and to always be generous in praise to any person who provides care for me. That's how my husband and I want to walk into our golden years....kind and happy.

Also, try talking to her and tell her exactly what she does and says that hurts you. You will be able to tell immediately by her reaction what you are dealing with. My father used to emotionally and verbally abuse me, especially at the dinner table. He would sit there and give me, and I am not making this up, dirty looks until he provoked me. Then it was a yelling fest. My Mom did talk to him about it and she told me later he just didn't care. Well, telling your daughter she is not loveable is just abuse. And be prepared to have her try and turn it on you, deny it, or just say she didn't say it. There are terms for this, like "projecting" and "gaslighting". It isn't new and doctors see it all the time. Good luck and read alot about verbal abuse. The more you know the better.

I don't know if most things parents do are bad enough to terminate relations or to put them in NHs. Mine can be very bad, but not THAT bad. AL and NH cost a lot of money, so they are solutions that require a good bit of thought and preparation.

tiredonlygirl, your mother sounds like she likes to use the verbal jabs. To an onlooker, the jabs seem harmless enough, but when they come too often, they are disheartening. My mother does this to me a lot. I started saying, "There you go again..." and it has helped some. I don't think that mine even realized how often she was taking the verbal jabs. It had become like a reflex with her. The bad thing was the jabs were rarely true, so always left me feeling like I had to defend myself from something I wasn't guilty of. It sounds like it is the case with you, too.

Wow, verbal abuse is verbal abuse. And over time it causes Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom. No this is not your fault and you shouldn't have to deal with her. Put her in an AL or NH. I know many people will make you feel this is something you need to "deal" with. Yes, on your terms and in your way.No parent has the right to abuse you. I was verbally abused and believe me, these parents know what they are doing. Get away from your Mom and get as much help as possible. She does not care what she is doing to you.

I am a firm believer after reading many, many posts on this site, that there are sick and manipulative parents who really only care about themselves. You didn't ask to be treated this way. You can end it now and believe me, you will be much happpier if you do. Take care.

Wow, what a thing to say. However, it reminded me of my mother years ago, I felt she never had a kind word to say to me. However, what happened with me was a transformation of myself (not her) in my relationship with the Lord. I learned how to honor her without comjing under condemnation and to value myself as a child of God, who was created, loved and accepted by Him. As I began to that, I kept loving my mom and when she became very ill physically, she responded to that kindness and love. She had been severely abused and didn't know how to ask for to get her emotional needs met.

next time you are treated in a mean spirited way, lift your hand up like
a stop sign, with love in your heart and a firm tone of voice say
"YOU ARE NEVER TO SPEAK TO ME IN THAT WAY AGAIN."
turn away - walk into another room ...wait as long as you can before
speaking again... it will sink in...

GIRL:

She's not helpless, so I don't understand why you keep putting down payments for her acceptance. I did that with my mother because I thought I owed her something. Then one day I woke up and stopped being a doormat.

I made her perception of me her reality by not doing anything for her. If she wanted a taxi, she had to call and pay for it herself. For something to read, the public library. When the Con Ed bill came she'd pay her share; same thing with the rent and other household expenses. When her guests came and she started ragging about me I'd join the conversation and flip the script on her. A couple of times, Spanish telenovela style, she pulled out a couple of suitcases. I helped her pack and held the door. Suitcases on the sidewalk, she turned around and said "I'm going to take one last look around to make sure I didn't forget anything." ... Went to her bedroom and never came out. Next morning she wakes me up to ask what I did with her things. I asked her if she checked the sidewalk. ...Here in the South Bronx, you can't leave anything unattended.

Girl, your Mom keeps pushing your buttons because she installed them to ensure your subservience. No one likes being abused, but I guess that's what you're used to. If you're not going to break the cycle, what's the point of complaining about it?

Boundaries, boundaries BOUNDARIES!!! People treat us how we allow them to treat us. There are nice places where your Mom can be cared for and it doesn't have to be with you under her rules.

Sounds like its time for a do-over. The game of life hasn't ended for you and does not have to end this way. If you're really tired of it and ready for a change, don't expect her to do it, it's your life you do it.

Perhaps your mom being elswhere and you seeing her on your terms will give her the chance to really appreciate you and not belitlle you. OR maybe not but you do have choices, I hope that you find the strength and courage to make a healthy choice for yourself.
Best wishes, it's a New Year!.

Dear Tiredonlygirl,

From what you say about this abuse not being new, and from my own experiences, your mother certainly knows what she is saying and sadly knows what it does to you. From what I have seen with my father, and read from this website/other sources, as the elderly get older bad habits from the past get worse with age - sorry about that. BUT I can tell you from my own experience with my father there is a solution. You cannot change people's beliefs/attitudes but you can change their behaviour. Sounds like she has given you a tough upbringing - time to return the favor! New Rules - tell her that if she speaks to you like that/in an insulting way the care will equally disappear. Time to lay down the law - your survival law. She didn't roll over and accept rudeness and hurtful comments from you when you were a child/teenager, and you haven't from your kids - we don't because it is not right. Time to treat her like a child (she is behaving like one!) - reason will not change a teenager's behaviour but withholding things/actions they want will. It may be time for you to choose between feeling putdown and hurt OR feeling guilty for withholding care from her - tough choice but you can keep your sanity with a little guilt on the side.
Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Girl,
You have two separate problems here for which I would like to offer two separate solutions. First, you need to separate your opinion of the service you offer your mother from your mother's opinion. There are two kinds of things in the world: Things you can change by taking control of them, and things you can't. Your mother's opinion is not yours to change, and is not necessarily accurate. Let your mother have her opinion while you congratulate yourself on doing a difficult, thankless, exhausting, never-ending job without the recognition to which you are entitled. Give yourself the positive strokes that you wish you could get from your mother. She does not have them to give, and you do.
Second, you need to separate your loving mother (the one who kept you from dying of neglect when you were a child) from her disease, and the ingrateful, spiteful, hurtful, insensitive words that spew not from your mother but from her disease. Love your mother. Treat her disease. Ignore her hurtful comments that are symptoms of her dementia. And again, congratulate yourself on seeing through the illusion that your mother no longer loves you. That's just her disease talking. As you would with a barking dog, put up a fence to keep you safe from it, then ignore the barking. Good Luck. God Bless You.
Jonathan

Your feelings are justified. Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. My older sister laughed at me just yesterday when I told her about having counsel over the years and said that I was a late bloomer about my feelings and she had toughened up. I let her have it because she sounded just like my mom being so insensitive to my feelings. I agree with the others but your feelings are real and justified.

The most notable thing about your plight is that it is not new. Often, bad parts of an elder's personality become more vivid and out-of-control as they lose mental acuity. I don't know if counseling would help. It seems that the caretaking burden is on you. Any sibs? You could all 'mediate' a solution. Meantime, for your understandably awful mood and feelings, may I strongly recommend watching a Mel Brooks movie- Blazing Saddles, for one- Laughter gives the immune system an overall boost. Best wishes for a better new year.

WOW! I APPRECIATE ALL YOU HAVE SHARED AND SAID. I ROW THE SAME BOAT. HOWEVER. I HAVE LEARNED THIS AND WOULD LIKE TO SHARE. THE MEANER MY MOTHER IS TO ME, THE NICER AND KINDER I AM TO MYSELF. I LOOK FOR WAYS AND THINGS TO DO AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD. I KNOW I AM A GOOD PERSON AND ALL OF YOU ARE TO. BEING THICK SKINNED IS EASY TO SAY BUT HARD TO DO SOMETIMES. WE ARE ONLY HUMAN. JUST TRY TELLING YOUR SELF THAT EVERYTIME SOMETHING UNKIND IS SAID OR DONE THAT YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING NICE TO SAY TO YOURSELF OR DOFOR YOURSELF.
BEST WISHES AND LOTS OF HUGS....

Yes, what Cricket said. :) Although, the 'setting boundaries' doesn't work with my Mom. It just inspires her to get on her soapbox and preach about how she took care of me when I was a child. Listen, every situation is different, but its how we respond to the criticism/abuse that makes the difference. Some days I can brush it off, other days I respond in telling her how I feel about what she's saying to me, sometimes I just tell her that I love her, other times I just say 'your welcome' and then others (depending on how much sleep she's allowed me to have over the proceeding days) I tell my Mother exactly what I think of her words. And add a few of my own. (yes, I do. although I know it's not right. it does make me feel better for awhile. then i feel guilt.)

ps.. one last thought and that is you can get all the respite in the world but when you go back home nothing there has changed. Respite is great and we all need it. But at it's best it is temporary. By looking inward, learning life lessons it creates change. It won't change the situation but it can improve the situation tremendously.

Perhaps it is best when your Mother says hurtful things to you to stop, look her in the eyes and say honestly how you feel... Like Mom I can't believe you really think that about me, I am so hurt. Then leave it and let her be. You on the inside will feel so much better for having done so regardless of your Mothers reactions.

I to grew up with a Mother like this, she is passed and now I care for my Father in my home going on 5 yrs. He is very manipulating and childish at times. The answers don't lay in your Mothers faults but within you. Learn the lesson that your Mother's hurtful actions are teaching you about where you need to grow and in this way you can better deal with it. Once you do this your relationship will improve with your Mother.

I to have had to face myself with these very issues.. learning to speak up for myself and honestly express my feelings instead of letting them fester inside of me, (which eventually come out either in anger or illness) and learning how to reset boundaries with an abusive parent. A book that helped me tremendously is called "Setting boundaries with difficult people" by David Lieberman. This book is a very quick direct presentation on exactly how to do this, and in addition it explained to me what makes others act the way they do. Understanding why my Father would act so badly toward me helped me to see that it wasn't who I was but rather who I represented to him, where he is in the present time of his life. Just knowing that helped me to change my perspective on our relationship.

When I learned how to set new boundaries with him and express my feelings openly and honestly our relationship dynamic started to change for the better. In hindsight it has been an experience that has helped me to become a stronger, more acceptable person to myself and others. You are under a tremendous amount of stress working full time and then another full time job at home with your Mother. I havn't read everyone's comments thus far because I don't have the time right now but I'm sure there have been many suggestions for ways to give yourself some relief. Listen to them and figure out what works best for you. I am positive things can get better. Talk to me anytime you need to. No matter what, always know that you are acceptable and loveable. You deserve to be accepted and loved just as much as anyone. It is my hope that you can learn from my experience and get that book because it can really help you. Much love, Cricket

I agree that it is always painful to be spoken to and treated badly, especially by one's own mother. Mothers are idealized by society as being wonderful, so when that is not true for me, I don't understand it. And if mom is so "wonderful" yet is mean to me, then "there must be something wrong with me" thinking takes place.
I have gotten professional help with my mother issues and am happy to be at a place where I have a lot of healing, yet, I do relate to the pain. Now I acknowledge and feel my feelings and use tools and resources to "mother myself" . And that helps me also when she is old and sick and in the nursing home and I start to feel guilt feelings that I'm not "there" for her. She, too has access to tools and resources that can help her to help herself. There's really nothing I can do about her health. I'm sad for her. I grieve for her and for me. And I do what I am able to do as far as number of visits, etc. I am finally at a place of feeling mostlly compassion for her, although just yesterday I experienced anger because of something she said about me.

I know what you mean, My mother of 4 children use to hit me as a child, verbally abuse me and tell me i was no good because i looked like my dads side of family. I hated her back then, but at same time i craved her love. Now as adults I am the only one that will give her the time of day. She is disabled she lived with me and my husband a year and half after my father passed and she cursed us and challenged my huswband to hit her, called us ugly names and lied all the time. She is just now only 72 yrs old. she calls me all the time and wants me to drop whatever i am doing to assist her in her wants. I am soft hearted and she knows this, but at same time i have grown stronmg enough to say no to some things. I really believe what alot of our problems with our mothers is that we still crave thier love and acceptance, but guess what we will never get it, because we are not respected by our mothers because we do succumb to thier bitchiness. I have one brother that treats everyone ugly and she adores him, and he will not even acknowledge her existence, now you tell me whats wrong with this picture, we are all in the same boat so to speak. I do hope God gives us our due for taking all the abuse to help unapreaciated parents. Im just as lost as the rest of you, and yes i know what you think about sometimes and then feel bad. It is a normal thinking process i do beliueve.

I stop and remind myself of all the blessings I've had in the past,
and the wonderful memories I hold in my heart. I recall them with
a smile knowing that a smile is good medicine for even the worst
afflicted patient.
great memories I have shared with my wife and put on a smile.

I don't think it's possible to "develop a thicker skin". My Mom is constantly telling me I need to do that. I find it difficult to deal with the negativity as well. She tells me "what else have you got to do?"

My Mom does try and be nice sometimes. For example I said I hated ironing her clothes and we should send it out to the cleaners. Instead she bought me a new iron, that is exactly the same as my old iron.

Reading the comments on this site does help. You definitely aren't the only one.

Tired, I so relate to what you wrote. As much as we try to toughen ourselves against the words, they hurt. Mothers know which verbal barb to choose. I often wonder if mine does it because she feels so bad about herself. I have found it pointless to try to get mine to stop. She will just tell me what character flaw of mine prompted her to say something.

I just had a great idea -- maybe we should say it is the same flaw that led us to be the one taking care of them. That ought to work. :-D

I am also dealing with a cold, critical and hurtful mother who is 89 years old. She has a history of alienating her family, neighbors, and has been very critical of me most of my life. My mother constantly complains and is now becoming very isolated as her constant negativity adversely impacts her ability to interact effectively with others. The situation continues to decline as she has experienced significant health issues and my loving father is now living in a nursing home as a result of dementia and serious falls (he broke is neck but is doing well-thank god).

I must agree with the previous respondent, your mother's behavior has not and will not change and will probably become progressively worse. (I never developed the thick skin and believed if I was successful and kind she would respect and treat me better- It did not happen, will not happen and unfortunately still hurts). My advise, join a support group, minimize contact and leave when she says hurtful and mean things. It is about her, not you and never will be. This is very hard to hear but is not a reflection on you. You are loveable and these hurtful comments are coming from an unhappy mother.

As I was composing this post I received an unexpected visit from my mother. She
came and thanked me for the meals I have provided and the knitting needles I bought for her recently (The last two weeks I have minimized contact and it appears that maybe she might be helping).

P.S. I also have a wonderful maltese dog that we both adore. At least we have something in common.

I hope that my thoughts help you. You are not alone .

Regards, Sandy

I was going to say that maybe what your mom really needs is just quiet time with you instead of you being busy 'taking care of her'. But then you said you've 'gotten this all your life' so I would think you'd have grown a thicker skin by now. What is different now as opposed to when you were growing up? Has she always gotten to you this way or you not able to let it roll off your back anymore?
She's not going to change at this point, so you'll have to adjust either your circumstances by getting away from her, or tell her to 'talk to the hand' and go about your business. It's unfortunate, sorry.