Is it wrong to feel mad about having to stay home every day to care for my mom?

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I am wondering if it is wrong to feel mad about having to stay home every day and I can't even go to the store. I am feeling overwelmed by her. She needs somewhere to go like a home and she refuses.

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Neco , I know how you feel too. can you try daycare? Even with daycare, I work when Moms there and still have the evenings and weekends without being able to go out. I feel sometimes like a prisioner in my own home, but then, my Mom will look so confused and I sing her a song and seeing her smile or laugh makes it ALL worth while. Imagine being so helpless and confused and afraid. I tell my Mom everynight that I am staying her "all night long so she is safe" she says it makes her feel so good. I cant imagine anyone else taking care of my Mom, its hard, yes, but hey, shes my Mom and soooo worth it. I would do it for my husband or children too, in a heartbeat, but never my sibling who never help, I hope they get what they deserve.
Big Hugs
Luvmom
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I'd say let yourself have the feelings accept they are feeling as long as they don't mess with your care giving and they will pass, sometimes the harder you try to shut something off the stronger it will be. It is a very hard and complex situation to be in for anyone, give yourself credit you took it an and are able to care for another so well, allow your self to feel angry and resentful; and remember that this too shall pass, even when it feels it never will...
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It's so hard not to have those feelings, I am in the same situation and sometime my mind is my own worse enemy..I begin to think of the things I have given up, career,relationships, etc...I begin to feel that trapped in feeling, What I do when this begins is talk to a friend that understands as well as do some deep breathing and change my thinking..instead of saying I'm trapped in, I tell myself that this is yet another journey in life, I have taken so many (emotional,mental wise I mean) that this is just another one and something good will come out of this. It doesn't change anything or make anything better but it helps me press on. If anything I have learned through this is that you will discover who your true friends are and you will be suprised, Im hoping that this forum will also help me get through the toufh times...hang in there.
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I am only a year in to this, but I definitely feel your pain. What I was FINALLY able to do was find a "babysitter" to give me some respite. That has been a Godsend. I strongly recommend you seek this kind of assistance. I have a sister that is phenomenally helpful and three bothers that really only want to contribute financially - which works just fine in regards to the caretaker.
Oh yeah, and I take a lot of xanax....... LOL
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No it is not wrong to feel mad -- what you are doing is absolutely wonderful and hopefully you have some way to vent to someone who shares your feelings --
Try to get some relief -- do something for yourself --
Even cleanig out a drawer may help -- something
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There is no shame in feeling like you do. As humans, we all have our limits, and you have reached yours. You need to get some of your life back, even if it's just a little. We all have bad days. Even those of us who say they feel blessed to be caring for a loved one. No one can stay patient and kind and loving all of the time.
We get stressed, tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated. Chances are we will eventually act out or just get nasty to relieve the stress. It's all a part of caregiving. I hope you find a solution to help both of you. Good luck. We're all here for you.
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Have you thought about getting a caregiver to come in from an agency?
I worked as a caregiver for a gentlemen that lived with his daughter, and son in law. They were able to get out, and do whatever they wanted.
I took care of my Mother. I know what you're feeling. Hang in there, and try to make good memories.

Olsenc
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Lilli has a point about not abandoning parents out of inconvenience or selfish disregard for anyone else needs but one's own...too many people never even think to help another family member in trouble, but some of this is beyond a "matter of convenience", people are swamped over-whelmed and in some cases the older person would truly be better off in a Nursing Home facility. Not everyone is up to the task nor should they have to feel obligated to it out of guilty as crowe says...even with genuine love and all the best intentions you may not be qualified to give the care your loved one needs.
Granted, there are a lot of selfish, thoughtless people out there, many of us know them in our own families; the ones who take and never give or make offers they do not come through on. Never the less in reality, not being able to be a 24/7 caregiver for an aging relative is not necessarily a selfish act.
I have asked my mother, she would rather be in a home, than have any of us having to look after her when she needs care. She plans to go from retirement to assisted living to nursing care. If at all possible that is. I would look after her myself...I think it depends a lot on the family as well. Throw in family history and paying strangers really may be the best option for nursing care, for many of us.
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mommag is correct here: it is not kind to tell people to suck it up or stop complaining or this doesn't bother me what is your problem or how dare you say you are not over the moon to have this special time with a loved one, especially when they need you so much...

This is the first generation that has taking in the care of elderly relative en-masse in history. People just used to pass on before the miracle of modern medicine made our lives extended into the beyond twilight years. We may be living longer and to greater ages now but what of the quality of life? Not only for the older person suffering many pains and humiliations and physical disabilities and emotional stresses of just oozing through there last of their lives, but the pain of the families who love them (or don't) Who have given up significant sections of their own lives to take on stressful draining duties that are upsetting both for seeing the losses the loved one endures but the losses in there own lives of free time, energy to give to other family members, financial stability and sleep even? Maybe they did "Take care of you? But you were the child they choose to have small, and growing and with an expiration date of the duration of care as well as the support of schools and family and society at large in many ways.
Some of the more painful aspects of elder care are the isolation and lack of assistance from other family members who don't want to see a loved pone go down hill in their faces, as well as sheer physical toll of caring for a demanding, irascible one time authority figure who may be bigger than you, increasingly disabled and with no end in sight for how long this may last.
Aging Care Giving is hard hard work, whether you love it and wouldn't have it any other way, or must drag yourself to give them the care they need and deserve, it does not change the dimensions and facts and very real frustrations and yes, even irritation and anger of caring for an older adult who is no longer able to look after themselves.
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I agree with Denise55. It is always easy to say place your needs above all else and put the old folks "away." My personal barometer is to ask myself: 1) is there a good placement for my parent that is better than or equal to the care they are getting at home?; and 2) what would I want for myself if the situation were reversed? I doubt any of us would say, "put me in a run-down nursing home." Forget for a moment that they are our parents. What is the humane thing to do? Even the nicest facilities require diligence by a family member or the patient will be neglected and poorly treated. Many placement alterantives frighten the hell out of me.
It is entirely normal to feel overwhelmed and angry about having to care for an elderly person who needs so much of our time. Many of us do this without the involvement of our siblings. And most of the time the job is thankless. Then why do we do it? Because we have a conscience. As much as I would love my "old life" back, I could never turn my back on my Mom. I have had two family members who placed their parents in a NH that was no where near where their children live. It breaks my heart. These once vibrant members of the "greatest generation" will now just wither away in some facility. It is NOT what they deserved.
I do not think caregiving should be equivilant of martyrdom. But it does take creativity and patience to help someone in need while preserving one's own sanity. It is all about balance and being tenacious about finding the best services in your area. It has taken me 3 years to gather good medical people and affordable in-home care for a few days a month.
I wish peace and tranquility to all here who are direct caregivers and struggle with this issue.
Lilli
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