How can i get my husband's daughter to help me care for him?

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My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago, and now attends an adult day care center 5 days a week so I can continue working (I am 64) because we desperately need the money and health insurance. I also recently had a mastectomy and underwent chemo. I am my husband's only caregiver.His adult daughter lives 250 miles away. She is 57 and generally considers her life a failure (poor job, no money, living in a rental, never married), and considers it all her father's fault. She is demanding money from him (she thinks she is getting an inheritance and is tired of waiting), and she wants him to buy her an condo for CASH. (We still have 25 years to pay on our mortgage). How do I get her to realize that it is she who owes something to her father and not the other way around? and that he and I could use a little help at this point?

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Sophie: first, bless you for standing by your husband regardless of both of your health challenges...it takes great courage. In regard to the s-daughter: you will never instill the "caring" gene in her. If you read the posts in this forum you will see that most everyone has at least one family member who just "checks out" of the caregiving role.
Something similar is going on in my family. A family member is trying to by-pass the "stepmom" to help himself to the family estate and, of course, not helping his father at all. Even if your step-daughter's claim that it is all her "father's fault" that her life did not turn out well, these are his assets and she needs to keep her sticky little fingers to herself.
Do you have your husband's "power of attorney" (both legal and medical)? If not, I would highly recommend it. Also, you should make up a will or a trust that spells out, in no uncertain terms, what goes where.
How dare these children, of any age, think that they are entitled to their parents hard earned money? Your S-D may have been using the "guilt card" all her life and has not grown out of that dependency. I do not think that she will offer support to you two in any way. Use her "inheritance" to hire an in-home helper once and awhile to give you respite. You need to protect yourself from her sense of entitlement (if she does not respect her father, I doubt she respects you.)
It is a shame that kiddos do not see the grace in being there for their parents in this stage of life. So sad.
Good luck to you....
Lilli
Sophie, sounds as if you're in a rough spot. Lilli has given you good words of advice, particularly concerning the POA and estate matters. If something happens before you get that taken care of, you could be in deep financial trouble in addition to the emotional issues.
I don't understand why any child has that sense of entitlement about a parent's assets. That's a pet peeve of mine. My life situation is a lot like your stepdaughter's, but I don't see my life as a series of failures. Far from it. The freedom of being a single woman renting has allowed me to be available to help with Mom's care.
But I digress. I believe fervently that my parents' property and money are theirs. They have given me far more materially and emotionally than I would ever deserve.
And if they HAD indeed been abusive folks who screwed up my life, I would be far healthier to stay the heck away from them than to try to get their money.
You can't heal your beloved's relationship with his daughter. Maybe the two of them can achieve that. I hope so. But you can protect your husband and yourself.
Best wishes to you in a tough spot. Try to get out from between them as much as you can, I'd say, realizing that that may not be entirely possible. Good luck.
Well I blame my father for certain things as well (I wanted him to help me with getting a house but he never wanted to help), but never thought about it once he was diagnosed with cancer...then after he died..and had to be mom's caregiver..I thought well I still have to wait...she (your stepdaughter) will have to wait as well. Inheritance is when it all over and no one else is there to receive the estate. She should get herself in good graces and try to be helpful so that she is remembered later as being helpful and thus will be deserving...did that make sense?
Top Answer
BLESS YOU FOR CARING FOR YOUR HUBBY, HE COMES FIRST. IF YOU HAVE MONEY WHY WORK SO HARD. IF YOU ARE EXPECTING MONEY FINE USE IT FOR YOUR NEEDS NOT THE STEP DAUGHTER. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PARENTS THINK THEY MUST SACRIFICE SO THEY CAN GIVE THE KIDS MONEY. ITS YOUR MONEY SPEND IT ON YOURSELF, I HAVE DEMENCHIA, AND TOLD MY WIFE WHAT EVER WE HAVE IS FOR HER AND I NOT THE KIDS AND GRANDKIDS, DO NOT PAY OFF YOUR HOME AS LONG AS YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVE THERE. THAT ONLY GIVE MONEY TO THE KIDS. EVERY TIME YOU TALK TRO THE S-D TELL HER DAD ASK WHEN YOUR STOPING BY, GET YOUR POA AND POM ASAP SO THE DAUGHTER DOES NOT SCREW YOU OUT OF ANYTHING, PUT IT ALL IN YOUR NAME.
WHEN TIMES COMES FOR THE NURSING HOME THEY WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SELL THE HOME IN MOST CASES
I am so sorry for all you are going thru. Unfortanetly children and siblings don't care when it comes to parents or sisters and brothers. It seems that you are better off without her in your life. She seems to be a demanding person with a lot of personal issues of her own.You can not make her do anything she is a grown woman, and don't beat yourself up over her decisions. You have enough to do with your husband and your self. A day will come when the tidees will turn then maybe not ! God Bless you and your husband, you are doing the best you can do and you will be rewarded for all you do.
"WHEN TIMES COMES FOR THE NURSING HOME THEY WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SELL THE HOME IN MOST CASES"

not sure anyone can prevent you from selling a home....as long as you have the deed you can sell...please check with an estate lawyer on your statement.

Perhaps there is more to the step-daughters story in regard to her relationship with her father? We don't the circumstances of her parent's divorce. Children's feelings about divorce are powerful and last well into adulthood. She lives 250 miles away so that is certainly an issue for assisting you with his everyday care. Perhaps her father was never there for her and now you are expecting her to forgive and forget. I work with many families struggling with long term care issues and I usually find that estranged families have reasons for the estrangement and it isn't usually one-sided. I also have been a full time caregiver for my elderly mother who passed away last year and had difficulties with my stepfather (her second husband) over many issues, including her care. I felt very frustrated over his attitude which to sum up was: if she needed care she was MY mother, if it was about her property or her money she was HIS wife. Maybe you need to have a talk with your step-daughter about her relationship with her father and learn more about their history and her feelings. I loved my mother dearly and was happy to care for her when she needed me because she was always there for me even though we went through some very hard times both before and after my parents divorce. I would have felt very differently about caring for my own father.
Plus the dads been married three times, that has got to be a factor for his daughter. I'm not sure how much respect she might have for a dad who marries that many times, and for his current wife. I may be off base here, but if the daughter has that stuck in her craw, then good luck getting her to do anything.
SOPHIE:

He probably gave her everything, which might explain her refusal to be self-reliant and blaming everyone else for her woes. Unless he has a Last Will and Testament drawn up that includes her, I believe YOU get everything after he passes. Tell that sorry a__, pitiful excuse for a woman to grow up and stop being such a blood-sucking leech.

I'm sorry, was that a supportive comment or did I just go West with your question? I haven't been my perky, objective self lately.

-- ED



We don't know the daughter's side of the story, so she shouldn't be condemned without hearing it.

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