My dad is having memory issues and some dementia. Is it wrong to go behind his back to speak to his doctor?

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My brother insists it is wrong to "go behind our Dad's back" to speak to his doctor. My brother is feeling guilty for having talked to Dad's doctor. He has been adament (sp?) that Dad will do this, Dad will know when it is time to turn over the car keys, etc.

Answers 1 to 10 of 17
When I take my mother-in-law to her doctor and I want to talk to him alone, I just tell her 'I'm gonna talk to the doctor about you now.' She knows that I need to talk about her to him, and she's okay with it. Even if she wasn't okay, I'd still do it. She also has dementia with no short term memory anymore. Not all seniors know when to put away the keys, you and your brother are gonna have to have some guidelines that you both can agree on as to when it's time to take the keys. Then stick to those guidelines. Talk to him and find out when he thinks it will be unsafe for your dad to drive. And would he want to be on the street when dad is driving? If not, then sell the car.
my brother and I took my mother's car away when she was 90, she passed out in the house and used that as an excuse. my brother told her he would not be able to live with Himself if she hurt someone and he was able to stop it ahead of time. she passed out because she could not remember to eat or drink water-they do not know or remember when to stop driving on their own. We also told her she needed her money to live on and not give away in a lawsuit if she had an accident.
sorry, pressed send too soon, forgot to mention that it was not easy, she accused us of ruining her life for a year. then we had to move her into assisted living! so, now she has something new to blame us for! Still insists he ate 3 meals a day, but had gone from a size 10/12 to a 4. she is finally getting use to the assisted living and we ignore the guilt finally
Actually if you have Medical POA, in my opinion, it is your responsibility to talk with the doctor. Your brother has some issues that he needs to deal with instead of projecting that drama off of you like you were a movie screen.
Of course you have to. Whenever there is dementia, there is risk of forgetting important details, or just hiding symptoms in general. Someone then needs to tell the doctor the truth.
Top Answer
Take the car now! I also tried to allow my mother to decide when it was time to stop driving. I was in denial about the dementia and memory problem etc. Then one morning at 2 am my phone rings and it is a State trooper on the line. He informs me he has my mother(mine is the only phone # she remembers) and that she was driving on the highway in the wrong direction. Grace of God she didn't kill herself or someone else. She had no memory as to how she got there. Needless to say the car was gone the next day and within weeks she was living with me. Till this day she still tells people that I took her car away and she doesn't know why :) lucky for me everyone does know why. Don't take the chance that she hurts someone, it would be very hard on you if she does. Good Luck
Hi---I totally agree with Crowemagnum on his reply. If you are not sure how to hanlde matters---if possible, try to write your questions down prior to a doctors visit-if you are going with your Dad, or just try to do this, even if he is not there. Having medical POA does make things much less complicated, as previouly stated. In my case-when I took my Mom to her neurologist, I handed a slip of paper with the questions on them, and in turn, he knew how and when to present them...and it also shows concern on your part. As far as your brother goes, perhaps he is just in denial----so do what is best for you!!!!!
Good Luck!
Hap
The doctor will actually be relieved if she/he sees you want to speak about your Dad. I talk to my mom's doctor on a regular basis so that I can stay on top of all the details of her health. She is not remembering much of the appointments nor is she remembering to tell the doctor a lot of what goes on in between visits.
My mother is not happy that I speak to the doctor, but it is keeping her safe and healthy so it has to be the way it goes. She is in denial tht there is anything wrong with her memory so I am happy to be her advocate. This way if something does happen to her or to anyone else because of her actions, I have done all that I can and can rest guilt free.
It isn't easy, but it is the right thing to do.
Hi there

Are you, the guardian or POA for you dad? I personally feel it's good that you are still involved with your dad, and ther is someone else who can talk with the doctor regarding your dads care. I work with seniors, and it's difficult for me to sit and watch a doctor over medicate a senior and not say anything. That is taking away the quality of life from a person to over medicate them. Maybe you need talk with your dad about guardianship, or POA for medical purposes.
I would call the doctor to let them know dad is having memory problems, they can do memory tests and there are medications that can help some people if started early. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away, his health will continue to generate, forgetting to eat , take medications, have a wreck..., and then you will be dealing with much worse issues. My mother had a stroke because we did not step in soon enough. You know it's time, do something before you regret it. I go with mom to the doctor and bring things up in front of her, mom may be annoyed at the time but she usually forgets about it by the time we get home. We do what we do because it's right, not because it's popular. Wish you the best!

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