Shepherd Asked May 2010

When my sister comes to my home to care for our father while we're on vacation, she ends up staying for weeks or months. How should I handle this?

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My sister lives in another state and is very judgemental. She will come and stay in our home if we go for vacation, but she ends up staying for weeks/months. This drives my
husband crazy and puts me in the middle. My father has lived in our
home for 14 years and is 92. Any
suggestions how to handle this?

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Ed, I'm with SS thanking you for your sound advice as always. If you don't protect what's yours, who will?
What's up with our siblings? It's either a weak, non-combative, self-centered sister like mine who only flies to see mom every 3-4 yrs, of course, when it's convenient to her schedule and my mom thinks she walks on water . . . OR an agressive, can't move her fanny out of the house visitor like Shepherd's. Did they miss out on some kind of gene or something? It's really hard for me to understand.
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Ed, thanks for admonishing us to "fight for what is ours." That is some great advice. I think we cave in to the demands of others' at our expense to "keep peace." We forget this is sometimes a war on right and our rights. Even when other people don't respect proper boundaries, we must; be they ours, or the elder we are advocating for. Amen, Sir!
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Eddie May 2010
NAHEATON:

You're an absolute scream. Wish I could meet you in person.

SHEPHERD:

Your sister "viene por agregada y quiere salir por duena" (comes as a guest and tries to take over). Don't beat around the bush so much and give it to her straight. Ask her "Don't you have a home?" If she asks "Why do you ask?" Respond with "You're too judgmental, have overstayed your welcome, and are driving my husband crazy. I think it's time for you to go."

My supposedly future mother-in-law came from Puerto Rico to spend no more than 2 weeks with her daughter (my ex-fiancee). With Lisa's aid, she tried to stay indefinitely and finish taking over my home (she started through the kitchen). To make a long story short, they ganged up on me. On May 4th, six hours before I left to clear up my mind at the Kirkridge Retreat in Bangor, PA, I practically kicked them to the curb at the JFK JetBlue terminal.

With one last look of indignation on her face Lisa said "You know what? I don't need you. ... I was looking for a real man anyway." To which I responded "If I see one down the street, I'll send him over to you." Her mother said she'd do a "brujo" (spell) on me for what I had done to them. ... Right. Good luck with that.

Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and grab the bull by the horns to regain your self-respect. Forget the political correctness and the verbal pyrotechnics. If you don't fight for what's yours, don't complain when others take it away.
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NancyH May 2010
I'd tell the sister that SHE can have dad live with her, and that you'll be the one coming to help her for a week or two.
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When I first found this site, I took the survey and noticed that there were many people like me who hadn't had even one day to themselves in 5 years or more.

If a sister came into town to give me a vacation, I would be incredibly grateful.

I definitely would not be inclined to grab Emerald4Me's megaphone and boom out, "YOU... ARE...NOT...WELCOME...HERE!

I would angle for a polite compromise.
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ibarro May 2010
talk seriously with her and tell her that you can't allow her to stay more time after you come back from vacations because your husband doesn't approve it./find hotel discounts booklets available at tourist/visitors center/ truck stops/online, etc so she can stay more time if you decide to do so.or maybe tell her that you have to make repairs in your apartment right after you come back from your vacation and that you need her to leave???maybe lie to her..???????????
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Emerald4Me May 2010
Boundaries. Be clear before hand. Say something like "I am so glad you are coming to help dad while we are gone. We will be back on the 15th and then you can stay for a few more days. But after the 17th, you need to get a hotel room if you want to stay in town." Stay firm, even if she whines about the cost.
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