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they want her to have inheritance and feel she must work for it to earn it. I think it will be impossible to do with both of them with dementia. she is tired already. Family members have said to respect their wishes and stay out of it. She needs help. She also wants inheritance. My husband and i are health care professionals and could ease the situation greatly. should we respect our parents wishes. We have been told we will be delegated to when the time comes, till then she and her husband are in charge. I am very worried for all of them. My husband and I are not concerned about the inheritance. We are concerned that their resources will not be used to help them. We have offerred financial help and told it was not necessary. Right now my parents are languishing in hospitals because no one can make a decision, due to fatigue. How do i work this out, or do I stay out of it,

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I think your sister is the only one who can say "ENOUGH - THIS LAND/PROPERTY/WHATEVER ISN'T WORTH THE PRICE I'M PAYING FOR IT!" - You seem like a very caring person, and I bet this situation is breaking your heart. If your brother in law truly loves your sister, he should be able to see what it is doing to his wife. I don't understand why your sister has to work herself into her own grave in your parent's eyes to "earn" this inheritance. Such a shame.
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Wow. May I say it? Your parents really made a dumb decision, didn't they? But competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions, dumb or otherwise.

What happens when parents need more care than they can reasonably get at home? Will they have to settle for the best Sis can do, because of the "promise"? Or will Sis have to give up what she conscientiously worked for so they can go into a memory care unit, for example?

I suppose if you try to explain the risks to your sister, she will think you are trying to talk her out of the inheritance. Sigh. You are in a no-win situation.

I know that your intentions are pure. But your parents have the right to made (dumb) decisions, and I think you have to step back and let the decision play out. It is kind of you to be willing to help pick up the pieces later, and I suspect that is what you will have to do.
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Thank you for your reply. MY mother has POA over my dad till she is declared incapacitated. My sister would then have POA regarding health and financial affairs. My sister wants to have my mother declared "incompetent" as quickly as possible, so she can invoke the POA for health and financial affairs. My mother appears to be in very early stages of Dementia. What complicates matters, as in every family, her husband is afraid that if she gets any help, she might lose control of the management of the situation. He has told us on more than one occasion, that he will allow us to replace them when they take vacation, or have other plans but they will remain in charge. I am very very worried about her. My husband and i have been staying with my father in hospital daily when my sister does not go so as to ensure his care. She has been able to do less and less as she is exhausted. I want her to understand that is is ok to share the load and that it should be all hands on deck, that it is not doable alone. I have seen enough of this to know. You are right when you say it is their generation. It's a straight trade, in their eyes. My husband has just completed three years of chemotherapy for cancer. I understand caregiving. i know no monetary value can be placed on it, no property, no house, nothing can replace the hours and emotional turmoil and worry that goes with it. I know worry shared is worry halved. This is why when my relatives tell me, she made a choice, as did they, just visit and don't get involved, and don't provide respite. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want these final years or days to cause bitterness between us. We are only two siblings. We have wonderful parents. I don't want to be my brother in law's hired hand, but I don't want him to destroy the relationship my sister and I have had over a house and some land. Thank you for letting me get this out. It all seems so complicated. The moral issue seems quite clear, at least to me. But how to go about it........I'm sure dynamics of this type go on in other families but right now we are all overwhelmed with the diagnosis.
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If your parents are unable to make a rational decision due to their condition, then talk to your sister about the situation and ask what SHE wants to do. They should be more worried about their own care than about the "inheritance" they will leave behind, but I get that it's the generation they were raised in. Who (if anyone) is the POA regarding their health and financial affairs??
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