What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?

My mil was on her death bed. She had 6 children and too many grand and great grand to count. Just her kids were with her, got a hysterical call from my husband that he thinks she has died. Me and my 3 kids get there in about 20 mins. So do about 30 other adults and kids. Meet husband on porch, tells me to go in and see if she has died. Everyone watching her crying, no one touching her. I go to her bedside, hold her hand, tell her who I am and very quietly tell her that we love her, I will take care of her disabled son and my husband, that we will all be ok and I know she needs to go, her husband his waiting for her and she will have a beautiful journey. 😢. She opens her eyes and says clear as day "I know"! 😱. Scared the sh*t out of me. Needless to say she was still alive. This happened 2 more times and I finally said to my husband that she wasn't able to leave because there were 35 people crying all over her and I don't think they should call the extended family next time. She passed at 3am with all of her children sleeping in her house. They was a half hour when all fell asleep and that is when she chose to go. I think there are signs but I sometimes don't think we see all of them. I just noticed that this question is from 2009, sorry.

Yes, the yoyo thing is what wears me down. We've been told by medical staff twice in the last year "this is it". You gird yourself, you go into emergency mode, you alert closest telatives. And then they perk up. Makes wr feel like I'm crying wolf. It's exhausting. Take cate of yourself!

To that end, I'm playing hookey today and sitting on a NYC beach, early in the morning.

Thank you. Crazy thing, while in the hospital, my mom seemed as though she could pass away any moment. The ride to Hospice House seemed to juggle her enough that she is like she was 3 weeks ago! Monday morning, we made arrangements to move her to a nursing home where my dad can be in assisted living down the hall and can easily visit her as much as he wants. Tonight, however it seems like my dad is ready to go, he has been worried about mom for a couple years now, and we think because mom will soon pass his body is giving out too. He is 91 and has out lived all his relatives. Mom is 84 and hasn't been my mom for probably 5 years. This health "yo yo" is really taxing!

We had in-home hospice care when my husband died. There was no cost to us. I was told that if he needed to move to their facility that there would be a room and board charge, but that they often found funding for that. My husband was able to stay home.

My mother was on hospice care in a nursing home. Her room and board was already being paid for. We had no additional out-of-pocket charges for having her on hospice.

Youngestof3, I believe it is true that Medicare covers the "care" including drugs, equipment, visits, etc. but that the patient is responsible for room and board. Some hospice organizations may have some funds to help defray those costs if necessary.

Youngestof3, Hospice care (the care, not the room and board) is covered by Medicare. Most Hospice care takes place at home. My mother, who may soon go on Hospice, is in nursing home, private pay, at $15,000 a month. And yes, we will still have to pay that while she's on Hospice. It's for the 24/7 care she recieves.

I don't know if the Hospice organization that you mention is a for profit organization or not. You could call the main office of the organization and ask.

Hospice does not provide round the clock care and it sounds as though that's what your elder needs, that's what you are paying for. The alternative is to have family provide the care at home and have Hospice come in.

Not to sound harsh, one cannot put a price or value on necessary items at any age. I wonder, Is Hospice "for profit?" Josie Harper Hospice House in Omaha, Nebraska, is $280 per day for room and board. $8400/month. Medicare pays the medical side of care. Really? Really? Does it cost $280/day in a building on an ok side of town which could some "freshening up". The Pallative care worker said the cost is $260 and this location was $280. This money is out of pocket and neither insurance, Medicare more long-term will pay for "room and board". I was under the impression there isn't a out of pocket for Hospice care.

well my mom is still with us, there has been some changes for her, she is now more confused then ever, some times she eats some times she just picks at her food, her O2 level is high then low, her bp is high then low, but she sleeps ,a lot and some times when she wakes up she says she is exhausted, but she has not needed any pain meds so Im grateful that she is remaining comfortable, we have out tree up and she likes that, so for now I just take it one day at a time.

Thanks guys for posting this,my dad is 92 and until right before thanksgiving he still drove (very well took state test) played pool with his buddies at the senior center,took care of my mom that is on hopice and still has all his marbles. He had a stroke and still has marbles and he has to learn to walk again very feeble now. We have him on medical marajuana and that is helping his eating which was nil before now he eats and he is in rehab a second time because he feel so much he has low blood pressure and gets dizzy,this is also from not drinking enough water they say and he still wont. He broke down and cried to me that he was scared and also he is a worrier and I know the time is near for his passing when will I know when the time has come ?

I was told the other day my mom doesn't have a lot of time left, I have been her only care giver for the last 3 years, I saw some things going on that alerted me to some thing being wrong, my mom sleeps most of the day, she wakes up long enough to try and eat, most of her meds have been done away with, I do have hospice care for her, this is the second time around. my mom lives with me , Im the only person around that takes care of her, my brother came down finally after 4 months of not bothering with her, every time I invite him and his wife down he always has some excuse, my mom has diabetes, vascular dementia, and parkinsons, so her quality of life has gone. I know some people may think this is cruel, but I pray every night that god take my mom, its time, I hate seeing her go through it all, my mom will pass at home with me and the hospice people, so my heart goes out to every one who is going through this.

Yes there are many signs of dying. My husband carried a low grade fever for over 3 weels. Then it went hight at times. Liquids went into his lungs. I told Hospice several days that it sounded like it was coming from his lungs, they let it pass, I think they knew it was just a matter of time. They treated him like he would get better but he didn't. His one arm he wouldn't hardly move it and would give out a soundlike it hurt. But I wish I would have known more about it. One sign is I guess is getting stiff. Good luck with your loved one.

Starsdy65, many times a someone near death will hang on for whatever reason: to see a baby born, so that goodbyes can be said to a loved on living far away. Many times people feel they have unfinished business. Letting your loved one know that you love them and will miss them but that it's OK to let go can make it so much easier on them, and on you as well.

It's so hard to give a pat answer, because death is different for everyone, but common signs can include mental changes, such as seeing people who aren't there, changes in vital signs, diminished or stoppage of urine and fecal output, changes to breathing patterns, and skin color changes as circulation becomes diminished.

I hope this answers your question in some way.

Hospice is a WONDERFUL idea. I'm sure the NH you have him in sees to his needs, but hospice can do extra things that can make it easier on you in so many ways, including financially. Let me encourage you to talk with the social worker at the facility, and a representative from the hospice company of your choice. Hospice isn't just for people who are very near death; they can also help at the beginning of that road, too. Hugs, dear.

I love Hospice but when I send my husband for the five nights, he comes home with urinary infection. It has happened three times out of four. They don't get the care they get at home. They give you anything you need to take care of your loved one. I found sending them there to give me a chance to get some rest, I pay for it when he comes home because he is running a temp and has an infection. One night I was up until 4:30am watching him.

My mother (I've posted about her in other discussions so I'm not going to go into detail here) would not appear at first pass to be a hospice candidate. But I asked for an evaluation anyway. And she has been accepted into hospice. The care has been much better at the nursing home since then (Dec. 2). More visitors, including nurses and aids and social workers, see her and make sure she has what she needs. I am an only child and can't visit more than two or three times a week because of work and my own family's needs. Hospice has been wonderful in getting a new and better wheelchair and carries some of the cost burdens due to her diagnosed illness (vascular disease, which has caused extreme dementia and decline). It does not hurt to have hospice evaluate sooner rather than later. If they say, no not yet, that tells you something. If they say, yes, well, then you can decide whether to enroll. Either way is a benefit. I think many people misunderstand hospice care. I would not hesitate to advise calling them in for an evaluation. Thanks for posting the question. I like all the answers here.

my 85 yr old father-in-law is diagnosed with end stage copd and prostate cancer, he was put in hospice in october, the nurse said he would not be here for christmas, and then on december, a nurse told us he will not make it thru the weekend.he is still with us and all his family is telling him to fight and he will get better, is that wrong?i worry that his oldest daughter is blocking it so much, that she will be the one who will take it the worse.i have been thru the hospice thing with my own mother back in 2002, the nurse then told all of us that they will stay and suffer until we tell them that it is ok to let go, is that true.i would like to know the signs of his body wanting to let go, if anyone knows, please tell me.
steve

I agree that Hospice can do so much more. I am a Private Care Giver and work with Hospice quite often. They can help on so many levels and more one on one care than a being one of many residents of a facility.

I will keep you and you Mom in my thoughts and prayers!

Ativan, was given to me to help me sleep and yes they can give a person too much of it. It makes you sleep. Ativan (lorazepam) they are one in the same.

snowbound, call the drug store they will tell you.
Take them out and see if there is a big change. It could be depression along with drugs. They drug them to keep them that way. Also they may not be happy where they are. NH - If I was put in one that is how I would feel, I would want to die. No family around and that would make me depressed

I visited my mother today and the nurse was having to feed her supper. She did not have the strength to even notice the cermanic bunny that I brought her nor did she have any energy to speak. The only thing she said for the whole 40 minutes of my visit was 'when will it be over?" I asked if she meant her back taxes and she said yes. I told her we were working on 2006 and that 2007-2008 should all be done by the end of February. I asked her if she was worried about it and she said no. I told her several times tonight that I loved her as I was getting ready to leave, but she never replied which is not like her at all. She just keeps getting quieter and quieter, sleeps more and more, and has to be hand fed more and more. I'm going to ask the nursing home doctor to check in on her. To me it appears that she's giving up just like her mother did and now even moreso.

My dad is fading also and is on Ativan, but it also makes him even more drowsy. He is also on diaylsis and now the n.h. has put him on Risperdol. I wonder if this is too much medication. I know he is on it because he gets agitated and sad :( I'm wondering if it's time to call in Hospice? He seems like we are going to lose him and then he seems to perk up.

lhardebeck, Yes hon I do know, sorry about your mom, they suffer like nothing else. Cancer is the worse pain a person can have. That is what I was told. My dad had cancer of the sinuses. A big round spot came out in the corner of his eye. It got so big it was pushing his eye out some. But it went through his whole body. After a while he couldn't walk or stand. His bowls stop moving and it had to be dug out but the doctor. I took care of him and it was so hurtful to see him go throught that. All because of smoking. Sad isn't it?

i was thinkin about mom 20 yrs ago , she was dyin of cancer . i rembered they gave her morphine and she still would feel the pain , you could hear her cry and dr would increase her morphine and then she would be quite and comfertabel then u could hear her cry in pain . he would up it again and again till she was gone .
my mom was in a hellva pain that nobody could ever dream of . it was eating her alive . so by all means yes morphine killed her but she was nt hurting , and died in peace . bless her heart .....

Fernando, thank you. at the end of life they are not suffering because their body is shuting down on its own. With my friend she was afraid. She was crying for God to help her. All they had to do was medicate and let her sleep. Even if it took a couple of days for her to die. But like I said, hospice wasn't going to let her go past 9:30." and she didn't

It also happened to my father in law in florida. They kept him alive and until his other son got there and then they kept giving him shots every two hours until he died. (they said, Oh we can keep him alive until then ) Its the same hospice care anywhere in the USA. That is what they do. Want to hear more I sure can give them to you.

Oh, Fernando, if I sounded like I disgreed with you, I totally agreed with your post. Maybe I didn't word something properly. I, too, feel when the time is come, people will die on their own. I just was saying that there are ways to help them with pain while that happens, though not everyone will travel the same road.

As Txmaggie says, not all hospices are the same, either. So, when I support hospice, I am speaking from my own experience, which was similar to hers.

You did not say anything to offend me. But thanks for the condolences. My parents were ready to go, and finally died peacefully. You are the one now who is suffering, now. I'm sorry you are going through this. Know that our hearts are with you.

Carol

carol i am very sorry for your loses, and i meant no harm.
Fernando

Sorry, I've been away for the holidays and away from a computer.

When it became apparent that Mom was giving up, the nursing home staff strongly suggested that we get the hospice staff in to help. There are different hospice organizations. The one the NH used was awesome. They visited with the family and the nurses checked mom over very carefully. They asked what our wishes were. We wanted mom to be kept comfortable. They said they could do that but wanted us to be aware that sedation would probably shorten her remaining time because she wouldn't be eating or drinking as much. (She'd pretty much given up on that anyway). They said it was entirely OUR CHOICE. They said that sometimes sedation made it easier for the children to let go, as their loved one was much less agitated and restless. They said sometimes sedation made it more difficult on the family because of concerns that the person was being overmedicated. At no point did they ever "take a side", suggesting one over the other. They presented all the info, pros and cons, and left the final decision up to the family.

And yes, secretsister, they did a LOT more than the regular nursing home staff. Part of it was financial - they assumed all the costs of all special care. They provided mom with a really nice wheeling, padded, reclining chair, oxygen, meds, etc. Plus, their own providers would go in to help with Mom's bath, the nurses would make visits to check on her. Essentially it boiled down to a lot more personalized care, and extra eyes and hands keeping a watch and doing things for her. And it is NEVER selfish to get hospice for your loved one so you can also get the support. It is a very difficult time and why muddle your way through it alone? Not only that, but hospice organizations offer a year of grief support after your loved one passes, and it really was good to have their help over the holidays.

And yes, Bree, hospice accepts patients with dementia/alszheimers. Mom had hospice at home before she went into the nh and her working diagnosis was dementia. Talk to your doctor.

Both of my parents were in intractable pain before they went under hospice care. Not all hospices are the same, and I've seen a few comments on this forum that has made me wonder about some of them, but my experience with my parents was that once hospice took over, they were more alert and more themselves than before that, because their pain was controlled.

They only had the drugs they needed for pain relief - no more. There was a great deal of family support, kindness, and no "hurrying of the process." When they did die, it was peacefully, with family at their side. It took my mother three days for her heart to quit beating (she had been mottling and showing other death signs for days). No one hurried the process. I watched carefully for signs of distress, and if there were any, medication was given to comfort her. Finally, after those three days, she did die. We all have our time.
Carol

hi Reba your love and cherishness of life is heart felt, and impressive my friend died of cancer, and his family and i prayed that he would let go, and be at peace, for he could no longer talk nor move but he held on, but one day he just left, i believe that, that was his time, he was strong, but the moment, that moment, we will all have one day, comes, it will be. it's not in our hands but His. And my uncle who i loved dearly died not long ago , he also did not want to fight on.He was made comfortable until his moment came, and he to left also , i believe life is set up that way. We have a certain life span, in every case. And i will always miss them dearly.

Fernando

I find it hard to send them to hospice, because of what I saw and what hospice said when they came in to care for my friend. They said we will not let her go past 9:30.

Are they druging them so much that they die? I would really like to know. You can give them medication to stop any pain they have at home. I took care of my dad who died from cancer. He had the medication to help with the pain. So why don't they do that now. Why speed up the death. Is that what they do? Why did they make that remark when they came in to take care of my friend. I was told they do it in NH by someone who worked there.
Come on guys this is MURDER