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i have med poa for my demented mom. i have the letter from her doctor stating her condition & he also recommends in the letter to get help for her. i want to get her help, but my mom & my brother, who has financial poa disagree. she had fallen once & had surgery because of the fall. i don't think she should live by herself anymore. how can i expedite the process of getting help for her before she hurt herself again? can i jus hire the care-giver & send the bill to my brother? do i have legal rights to do this? can my brother refuse to pay & if so what will happen to my mom?

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If your brother would agree, then your mom would likely go along. My guess is that you are the hands-on caregiver, and your brother only does the financial part. Often, in those cases, they just "don't get it."

If he won't listen to reason, a family mediator may help. Your local social services should be able to refer you to one. You could see an elder law attorney, if necessary. I think in the end you'd win, but you'd still be putting out money. First, try an old friend or a clergy person, if there is one available, to see if they will listen to a third party. The next step is a mediator. The more drastic step is an attorney.
You can go ahead and hire help, but if your brother won't pay the bill with your mom's money, then you may be stuck, so try to get agreement ahead. Good luck. You aren't alone with this.
Carol
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I hope your brother isn't seeing his inheritance (if any) going down the drain when your mom has to move into asst living. Unfortunately, most times it IS about the money. That could be why he's so adamant about her staying in her home. I hope I'm wrong....
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We have a similar set up where I am Health Care Proxy and brother is Power of Atty. I called elder services at one point, and was told that any money my Mom may have should be used for her care. If it is being used for other purposes the POA can be criminally prosecuted. A person with dementia is going to need help and for many years. It takes a while to absorb and adapt to the situation, and siblings usually have a difficult time agreeing on things.
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One thing that happens a lot to exacerbate conflict between people who are working together is, one person wants to move faster than the other. And it makes sense -- even if their priorities align, two people have two different experiences of the situation and bring two different perspectives to it. So if you think about it, the odds of two people being on the same page and moving at the same pace are practically zero. Your collaboration with your brother is going to be key to how smoothly the next several years of your lives go. As a negotiation and conflict resolution consultant, I suggest you switch from thinking "I am responsible for my mother's health care and my brother handles the money" to "my brother and I are responsible together for helping my mother age well." Focus consciously on the question "How can we collaborate best?" and make that your priority; it may slow down individual moves like hiring a caregiver THIS WEEK, but over the long it will benefit your mother more than anything else you can do.
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As Medical Power Attorney, your power to make decisions for your mother comes first. Your mother's health and welfare come first. Her finances are after all hers to care for her during her life. I had a similar experience with my brother, who thought by getting my dad's DPOA, he could overrule me being my mother's MPOA. He was not happy when he found out it did not work that way. It was only after my dad died 7 years after my mom died that I found out he had been embezzling and was afraid he would be found out. Try to work with him the best you can, but if your mom's situation is urgent, he is just going to have to accept it. She apparently gave you the MPOA for a reason.
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I have been dealing with this issue since 2004. Both my brothers were of one mind and I, who have the medical POA fo rmy mom was on the other. The advice about developing a working partnership with my brothers hit it on the head. This is not a job for anyone alone. I had to include an elder attorney, social service agency, doctors and Elder Abuse agency in my area. After discussing my problems with them, I developed a strategy which has served me well these many years and I hope sees me and my mom till the end...whenever that may be.I had to slow down my need for immediate help and wait for them to "get it"..and even though they hardly ever see it as I do...they have seen that eventually since I am the one at the "front" and "in the trenches" it is best to work with me...unless they want to handle it without me. As in any team effort there are always points of disagreements, but when it comes to somone elses welfare over financial gain, the welfare comes first. My mindset was entrenched in being my moms advocate and representative. I approached it with as logical and emotionally detatched as possible. My brothers relationship with their mother was the root of their frugal and retentive stance.I went to therapy to learn to detatch from my history in order to represent without rancor. Once my mom was put on psychotropic meds it became easier to control the situation...on all fronts.
It is not a responsibility to be taken lightly and it will impact all of your life. Take the burden on with serious forethought...for it can't be passed on to others once you have taken it. These seven years have aged me...but also have given me a wiser view on how I want to face my last years. I am protecting my children from having to face these terrible decisions by preparing advanced directives, purchasing long term care insurance and making a tight will with the proper documentation and organized record keeping. I will not waste their memories of me by forcing them to baby sit me or use up their retirement years on me.
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Have to agree with Kitty. Your Mom's health comes first. I hope you have documnetation from 2 doctors that your mother is no longer able to make her own decisions. Good Luck and May God Bless.
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Of course your Mom's health comes first -- want to make sure nobody thought I was saying otherwise. Developing good collaborative interactions with your brother in SUPPORT of your mom's health will help you look after her for the long haul, is all I'm saying.
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Someone who is not a family member had DPOA over my mothers finances, I have MPOA. The DPOA keeps avoiding my request to send me Itemized report of my mothers incoming and outgoing. He also refused to tell me how much he is charging to take care of her bills.
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