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My 3 sisters had nothing much to do with Daddy from the time they left home. Maybe saw him every couple of years. When Daddy got sick I took him in and took care of him for 8 years.He had Alzeimers. He had already made me his power of attorney back wheen Momma died and the executor of his will. They didn't like this when they found out about it - and they didn't visit him or me a single time in the whole 8 years.

Daddy died in August. They cam to the funeral but didn't speak to me. I went to court and filed the papers, but they said since the money was in a account with all of our names me and daddy and my sisters, on it it didn't have to 'go through probate. So I sent them a letter telling them how much money they were going to get from the inheritance once I paid all the final bills It was share and share alike so we all get a 1/4. Now they are all calling and saying there should have been more money becaue daddy trold them he had a big CD 20 years ago, and they want me to show them all the money I spent in the last 8 years.
I could go to the bank and get copies of the statements for 8 years i guess, because i don't have every receipt anymore. But do i have to? I haven't done anything wrong but they are making me feel like I am a thief. After staying out of daddys life all these years and not giving a hoot about him or when he was in the hospital or dying. Do they have any right to make me do this?

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And the deed is in my fathers and mom name still
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And this is coming from the other side of dealing with a irrogant and control freak sibling which tricked my mom into signing poa at hospital no witness nothg then she takes it to get noterized by a friend of hers ever since then we have been bowing over to her..she demands us to stay out of it since mom has dementia and has a jigalo bf there he refuses to let us call het on the phone we give just to talk to her he slamed the door in my face when i mae a surprise visit to my dads (deseased) house where mom lives as well i made a compliant with this poa sibling that i fell he is being abusive to mom because i had a copy of recording where he was sreaming at her( poa sd stop startn crap he isnt doing that he stays tht constantly to watch her etc).so i drove over 2 hrs to get there he opens door says we are fixing to lay down i lookd at mom she lookd at him like wtc . I sd im want to hug mom and see if shes ok he slams door rt in my face..well now her phone is lost he says only call him etc we visit her he controls the room wont let mom talk etc..well now as of sept 4th 2017 he left mom alone ran where ever he takes off to mom o2 tank explodes and her on fire running outside screaming top of lungs lookn for him to help he drives up claiming he ran to store to get dp..yeah rt a fridge there has dp in it. She went to parkland poa and him still swarminf refuses to leave room (2 ppl per visit)he even told dr this he left her . She has dementia . SHe has aides tht come over why didnt he just do tht when thy are there nope he wants them to think he is always there same as hospital now she is in rehab he comes snd goes he as well told ppl there he was her caregiver..she even tried gettn up but fell . Poa still says , (in alot of lies before for him) mom he had to leave ran home to fix burn house etc..then 30 min later he not knowing she just lied for him says ..i have been here since 6am just ran outside ..wtc why cant thy stop this..so there is 2 sides to every post . I was asking if this poa can refince my deceased dads house with my dementia mom on there without the rest of siblings saying ok. Because mom needs to be in a place where 24 hr care poa and him both refuse cause he keeps all moms money .she only has water and electric so dont know where over 2000 aextra a month is going
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Dear Sisterlylove,

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your brother. Its so sad.

I was the one that cared for my dad. My parents made me responsible from a young age. Financially I had to contribute to their care, so there is not a lot of money left. My dad had an insurance policy. It was not a lot but enough to pay for his funeral. Luckily none of the siblings have demanded money from me. They all agreed I had most of the burden. I guess I can be grateful they have not asked me to leave the house I grew up in. It is the one asset that hasn't been sold yet.
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This is interesting- I have a similar situation except that my brother WOULDN'T allow me to help, and I believe it was simply so that he could pilfer, over a few years, over a million for himself and justify the act of doing so. Well, I Did take care of my father, from long distance, and with many visits from out of state, I hired and found the best caregiver around, who to this day is a saving grace in our family, and slept by his side numerous times while figuring out the best care for him, each step along the way. I feel my brother is, in fact, a thief, as he absolutely, adamantly refused to show records, and has abused and threatened that I be out of the family for asking for info, he has hidden everything. lied about what there was, and at this point, it isn't even about the money as much as i tis about honesty. Who wants a brother who pick pocketed his sister's inheritance? Not me. Not until he cleans it up. They say money isn't stolen (or shall we say commingled), if it's given back. Our father's gift was to be split equally and perhaps unlike some of the stories above, siblings DO steal, take, pilfer, withdraw, commingle money, and it is against the law..and also obscene, in many cases.
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Hopeful, if you have sound evidence - numbers, dates, recipients' details, that kind of thing - that your sister has been spending your parents' money other than for their benefit, you do have the option of taking it to APS. Financial abuse is abuse; with objective evidence offered to them they would have to take it up and investigate.

But, of course, that is a drastic step which you may not be prepared to take (I mean this sympathetically - reporting your sister in this way would be at the hard-nosed end of the scale).

As a compromise, you could write down the kind of incidents that have been reported to you and ask her to explain them. Or you could take the details to a specialist elder care lawyer and seek advice.

It isn't okay for your sister to abuse her POA. It is reasonable for you to ask for reassurances that your parents', now your father's, finances and care are being properly managed. The grey area that started this thread is about caregivers under pressure being suspected and badgered by uninvolved family members; that doesn't mean we're not sympathetic to your concerns, too.
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You all see only your side. I am in the opposite situation. My younger sister is the POA and has been pocketing cash I have been told from others from my parents accounts. I don't expect to get the half that is noted in my parents will that they never signed but I will find out if an accounting can be requested. She has never told the truth. That is the issue. You need to see the other persons side. I am not in this for the money but she has everything anyone would ever want in this world and spend her monies like "water" and that is the concern. That she is doing this with their affairs so to speak. There are situations when the POA is not fit to be in the position they are in. And, this is one of them. I am a detail oriented person and she is not. I have kindly asked questions and she refuses to sit down with me and show me how things are - there are only two of us and I am willing to work with her and she refuses to be reasonable. I am grateful for all that she had done but I receive none of that from her so far. I have spent most of my life being abused by her in various forms and no more. I have no intention to take this to court but I do want an accounting of everything. I do not believe it is right if she is purchasing airline tickets for extended family members and donating dollars to her person, born again church. We were brought up Catholic. And, she has serious issues. My mother was a devout Catholic and I never understood why she allowed my sister this much power. For so many reasons. I do know my mother was intimidated by her terribly. Now my father is alone after last week and he cannot care for himself. He is not getting the care he needs, medically, and there is nothing I can do but ask questions. I don't know why she is so defensive about everything but after what we have been through in the last two weeks leading up to my mother's death - I know she has serious mental issues that she hides. The Saturday night before my mother died - she was out of her mind saying she had to go NOW. What sort of person would do this? No one that should be a POA.
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Interesting twist here as I am asking this same question about my brother who took my mom out of an assisted living place we just placed her in after my father died. There are six of us. My father and mother placed my eldest sister and I - the youngest as POA if something was to happen to either one of them where they could not take care themselves.
When my mother was moved out to CA from MN - my brother and my middle sister kept telling her that the place she was placed in was bad and she deserved better and they would break her out of this place. My mother was tested as having advancing stage of Dementia and barely passed to be in an apartment over being placed in memory care. There were 4 of us to help her in this place along with her two grandchildren. My brother called the place and my oldest sister and told her my mom was being moved after only two months in the place and my dad just dying two months before that. He then went to an attorney in the area where he found a home to rent and had the POA revocation through and attorney saying my mother was totally coherent and knew what she was doing at the time!
He then refuses to move her closer in where she can be involved in her other children and grandchildren's lives. So we have to drive 1.5Hours one way to see her. I went up to visit her at least 3 times a month only to find that she was losing weight and said how lonely she was and missed us. He then a year later moves her to another house large then the first one and she gets lost in her huge walk in closet! She cried that she did not want to move there. We are at odds in what to do- He has not shown us any accounting of how he is spending her money- we told him she needs bath care, dressing herself. He decided to let her fumble for over an hour to get dressed and she now has another infection due to poor hygiene. It seems you may be upset that your sibling are asking for an accounting of what and how you are spending her money- put your feet into our shoes-
Minnesota a POA has to give quarterly accounting to any surviving siblings. IN CA - we have no rights to help protect her and make sure he is not using the money for his own benefit. When you take on being a POA and you have other siblings alive- they should know what is happening!
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Noname, it sounds like you did things right. The only alternative to lawyering up is elder mediation. I am usually all in favor of keeping details open and above board, and I did in fact keep every receipt and statement so I could show where the money went if I ever had to, but it may not be required and some siblings would still find fault and dispute what was really necessary or not, so your call. They may really think that Dad's "big CD" was misspent and documentation that it wasn't could even lead to an apology, and refusing could make them in firmer in their conviction that you were dishonest. I guess a lot depends on what the prospects are for family coming together again versus remaining estranged for the rest of your lives.
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I am so sorry for your loss - both your father and your siblings.
If you need a lawyer to settle any estate, I would charge that to his estate. Good luck.
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Carol makes a good observation: the friction already existed, it isn't new but rather a new twist by the siblings.

If you want to put an end to this, ask the attorney who drafted the POA or the caregiver contract about confidentiality and privilege. You served your father, and there's an expectation of confidentiality in performing duties pursuant to a POA. There may even be a specific confidentiality clause in the POA.

Assuming your attorney concurs, you might spring for the cost of asking him/her to write a letter to the quarreling sibs and advise them that all transactions are confidential and privileged and they're not entitled to any copies of anything.

One of the benefits of this is that you're on record of addressing their complaints, and they've been notified they have no cause of action. If they do try to sue (which seems to be a fairly universal threat when someone's mad), you can produce the letter advising them of no cause of action, and send a copy to their attorneys if they get any.
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Noname1118, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this stress. It's all too common for the person who gives up everything to become the caregiver and it's wrong. I agree with Heather that you can likely be confident that they can't do anything legally - they won't have the time or money to make a big deal. The rift in the family was already there so no loss to you. I hope that you can get what's coming to you financially and get a new start.
Take care,
Carol
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Jeesh. I don't envy you! But I agree...If they want to hire an attorney, let them. (Personally, I'd encourage it just to imagine the look on their faces when they realize they'll have to cough up a retainer...followed by the bills they will rack up once they burn thru said retainer like a hot knife thru butter!)

Makes me glad I'm the only surviving child. Before my brother died he lived closer to mom than I did and did nothing. I presume there's nobody who can step up and try to get nitpicky since I am the only heir. Not that it would matter...mom isn't wealthy, I work and we're certainly not living high off the hog. What she had to begin with wouldn't have covered 6 mos in AL.

I vote to sit back and watch them spin their wheels. Priceless.
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My mom passed away 2 weeks ago. I lived in her home while my 2 siblings lived out of state but still within driving distance. When she couldn't take care of herself, I stepped in, not only as full time caregiver but also as POA. I cared for her for three and a half years before she passed. Last year, I opened a dialogue with my siblings to agree to compensating me out of the estate monies. They both said no. My brother was so outraged that I might get a cent more than him that he anonymously called APS. Of course, after 6 weeks of scrutiny, the case was unfounded and closed. I contacted an elder law attorney to assist me in getting my compensation. He drew up a caregiver agreement between me and my mother stating that, basically, I was employed by her, and what my pay would be. I signed in her place as POA. I debited the wages from her account because my siblings were adamant against me receiving compensation. My mom was at death's s door. Shortly after, mom passed, and I very recently filed the will into probate. I am now terrified that if/when they figure out that I essentially paid myself, they will try to go after it. My mom has in her will that the house is to be sold within a year of her death, and after 12 years of living with her, I will be homeless. This money is literally my future. The only saving grace is that neither of my siblings can afford to hire a lawyer or spend the time going to court out of state. Still very worried though and just want very much to restart my life. Can anyone comment on this particular situation? Would love some advice.
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Sorry that your siblings were no help and now want to give you alot of trouble. Unfortunately, as power of attorney you are obligated to account for the spending of your parent's funds. The wise thing is to always keep records and send everyone an account of how they are used. That way nothing is secret. The problem starts when one child, no matter how good their intentions are, starts to feel they don't have to keep the other children informed. It seems to be a thankless job you have done, they should have been more supportive. To protect yourself, I hope you do have some records. The law is the law and no matter how useless some brothers and sisters are, they still have the right to know and the right to their inheritance unless the parent specifies otherwise. I wish you well.
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I am seeing the nasty, harridan sisters in Cinderella............

I'm assuming he had a valid will and you are the person named executor in his will, if so then you are in charge and just too bad for your sisters as your dad chose & entrusted you for this final responsibility. It sounds like you're the executrix, correct?

If you have "opened" (file the will, determine it's valid and be named executor) probate, then they might contest your being executrix. But they have to go to court for the publicized in the newspaper hearing &/or time-frame to contest the will or place their claim on the assets. Talking ugly about you does squat - they have to go to probate court. But that is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to be successful as he chose you and your caring for him for the past 8 years reinforces the soundness of his judgement in selection you. I've been executrix twice and will say the probate judges are very savvy and see in their court the worst of family interdynamics so they will see through your sisters.

However if they actually get an attorney (which I doubt), then you will need to man up and get a elder care law attorney who also does probate. To begin your search for the best lawyer for the job, contact the local bar association and ask whether it has a lawyer referral service that includes those who specialize in elder law &/or probate. You can also contact the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys for a referral to its members in your area.

IMHO they are sneaky with the "doesn't need to go thru probate" routine - this is all about not having $$ reported and a papertrail created. Probate is open court and everything out of it (except maybe some adoption issues) is public record. Perchance do the sisters owe money, or are in tough financial /social situations?

If they persist with all this and If you think this is a bluff then call their bluff. Tell them they can file documents to either supporting or contesting the named in the will executor/ix (you). BUT TELL THEM you will ask the court for whomever contests to provide to the court their & your spouse personal and financial data that is entered into public record and X their names for police records in order to show why they are more suitable and should be named executor/ix. That should end the matter.

How fortunate for your dad you were there for him. Good luck
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Amen to that last sentence! How true and how very unfortunate for them. God bless....:)
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Thank you. I fell much better now than I did about all this.
When a person lives with their mom or dad and takes care of them 24/7 for almost a decade, I'd guess those who have every receipt and every cancelled check would be few. And in this day of doing banking electronically especially if it is long distance, I don't have the bank statements. But this I know: If someone went and got all the bank statements form the last 8 yrs and looked at them there is nothing there that would raise an eyebrow. I never shopped anywhere by WM the grocery store and online for supplys and I have the receipts for stuff I got online. I never took cash except to pay for a rare sitter, and I cartainly haven't hidden any CD's anywhere I guess bank records would show where threse 30 year old CD's they were squawking about went into the joint account that was kept in all our names.
So I guess the question is why they would attack me and make me feel like I had done something wrong. And why I would react so strongly to being attacked when I've done nothing wrong? It makes my heart race when I think about it. I guess hating on me, rather than loving their dad, is something they must find satisfying,
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I have power of attorney, and I spend my mother' money for her care and my sanity. I keep her assets in track. I hope that my sibling does not want to think I got more than his fair share, if I have to I will use it all for her care. I am saving him money with her living with me, I have never asked him for anything, he does not help me at all with my mother. I will get a attorney if I have to. I do have a cost of living, I lost my job to take care of my mother, I give myself a allowance to provide the same living style that my family was used too. I loss giving into my social security, my freedom, there is no taking that back, it is gone. We all have issues with siblings, when it come to money, they come out and show their real colors! I hate it!
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It's a bluff for them to get you to turn over the records. If all their names are on the accounts as you stated, then they can find out the information themselves. Furthermore, if they want the information they can hire some high priced attorney who will milk them dry of any money they THINK should be in the account and they will look like fools in the end. Good Luck and stick to your guns. Siblings are good at trying to make caregivers look like theives. "What goes around comes around" and it will someday.....
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Very good idea to let them do all the bank work.... I know when my dad died I had questions in regard to my oldest sisters use and abuse of dads money, but chose to walk away sans inheritance as opposed to having to be in the same room with her.... she finally sent some money... I KNOW my dad had a lot more than that, but I just didn't care... it wasn't mine anyway, it was his......
And to this day she will say she was the ONLY one that took care of him... I don't even argue with her... I know what I did and didn't do, do not owe HER an explanation...... Inheritance, sure brings out the worst in people, but you are doing the right thing for yourself... them calling you a theif certainly doesn't make you one...... when they see how much it is going to cost them, I doubt they will persue going to court..... sounds like they got a very fair deal when they never helped.....the greatest thing about this whole deal is YOU!!!! You did what you felt was right, took care of your dad, and they can figure out the rest for themselves... good luck and prayers for you....
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I appreciate your taking the time to answer. Thank you so much. I have decided to 'let them sue' me if that is what they feel they need to do. I have also decided I will not go to the time and trouble to acquire and copy and mail off 8 years of bank records unless a court orders me to do that. Their names are on the bank account so they can do this at their own time and expense.
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MDG:

Like your sisters, my mother circled around like a vulture until Dad passed away. Instead of "How is he doing?," "How are you holding up?," and "If there's anything I can do, call me," she said "Is that #!(* dead yet? ... I want what's mine."

They split when I was 3 1/2. We lived on W. 22nd St. in Manhattan. At her insistence, he took me to Brazil; where I grew up until the age of 19. She moved back to Puerto Rico w/ my 4 sisters to live in a hovel w/o utilities. None of my sisters finished school, as she taught them the fastest way to live on the lap of luxury was to find old men with money. Bank accounts depleted, they moved to their next target. For the first 5 years after their divorce, he sent money orders for child support. She returned them w/ nasty notes written on toilet paper. "MY daughters don't need charity," "I don't need a man to survive," "Shove the m/o up your ..." So he stopped. But kept copies of the money orders as well as the notes In case my sisters would ask about it someday.

I brought him to NYC to spend his last days w/ me and my sons. My sisters, who also live here and have made a career out of Welfare & SSI/SSD, never bothered to come by. I visited them once to let them know about his status and request assistance, but all they talked about was the poverty they went through because of Daddy. I showed them the money orders and notes. They dropped their dentures, then said they believed Mom. I told them he instructed me to give each one of them the $ he put into 4 savings accounts ($20+K each). They blew the $ in less than a month and called me to get more because they KNEW there was more somewhere and I didn't want to give it to them or spent it all on myself.

I gave them all the bank records: each account opened w/ $1,000USD, and deposits of $300 every month, no withdrawals, and the closing balance. They talked about selling property, valuables, etc.. I explained the only thing they're entitled to was the $ (child support) in the accounts, which is a lot more than my other 18 half-brothers/sisters in Brazil got. As to the property, they're more than welcome to fly down to the middle of the Amazon at their own expense and spend some time with us. They asked for roundtrip plane tickets.

To make a long story short: send them the bank statements along w/ their share. If that isn't enough -- which will never be because they've labeled you a "thief" for life -- they can always take you to court. It seems that tearing you down after they neglected your Dad over 8 years is the only way they can live with their conscience and guilt. You have nothing to hide. Let them sue you, and invite the rest of the family to the court proceedings so they can see with their own eyes what vultures really look like.
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This is so sad. You did all of that work, and now they want the money. It happens all of the time. I really don't know if you have to show them what you spent, but you may. You would do well to schedule a session with an elder law attorney. State laws vary and so it's hard to say what your state will say you must do. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. They should be paying you some of their inheritance for all that you did for their dad.
Take care of yourself and try to get this behind you,
Carol
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