How can I help my sisters to see what is best for mom? Sibling rivalry appears to be directing decisions or lack of decisions.

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Mom's mental state is deteriorating rapidly. Doctor has stated she will be in need of more than home care within next six months. He explained how routine and her own space are increasingly important to help her hold on. Visitors even in her own home would create more anxiety and confusion. My siblings are at all different points in accepting this reality. One wants to take mom to a different state for an undisclosed period of time. Mom has one companion that she loves and clings to. Siblings are attempting to find one full time replacement and let go of current lady. We share POA for health. What can I do?

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Thank you both. We live all around the country. Home care is falling apart because mom only likes one person and is refusing to let others in. I have a facility picked out. I have asked sisters to do this for past year. Thanks for your support.
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Hi Besse, "These are the times that try one's soul!" With several siblings all on different pages, it's easy to disagree as you each see things from a different perspective. Are you all local & near your Mom or are you spread out.

You might consider one order of business for each sibling to visit an Assisted living facility with a memory care unit, or an ALF dedicated to memory care. Provide each with a list of questions to ask at their ALF (see some other pieces on this site). I learned that I was way ahead of my sibs in anticipating my Mom's need for different care and felt like they were holding me up in the process. Ultimately, they just needed to catch up. Checking out places will give them an understanding of how an ALF can help your Mom.

Seeing what these facilities can provide will help to determine how home care stacks up against that, and what it would take to accomplish that. We all thought that the move to an ALF was going to be a disaster. My Mom moved in and there hasn't been any unusual problems.

There are wonderful articles on the web from reliable sources the Alzheimer's org has great info, as does this site and several others. There are lot's of steps in the coming months, we're thinking of you and some of the readers here may have gone through exactly what you are up against. Good luck
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I didn't realize that POA could be shared. Usually, it is one person named first, and then a second or third in succession. It is easier with one person in charge. Since the doctor has recommended that routine and her own space are important, hopefully the sister who wants to relocate her to another state will understand what the doctor recommended and adhere to it.

If she has one companion that she loves and clings to - this is extremely important for security. And the doctor is correct in saying how even visitors in her own home can create more anxiety and confusion. I went through this kind of thing with my MIL. She would become overwhelmed with 2 or 3 people - and this was unusual as she was a very outgoing and social person.

Try to enforce to your siblings what the doctor had said. And maybe start to look into assisted living facilities with dementia unit while you have the time; as doctor said she will require more than home care within 6 months. Most importantly figure out what would best suit your mother - you all know her best and what type of facility or living situation would make her the most happy.

I found with the advancement of the dementia/alzheimers, the need for security was important and routine. My MIL came to live with us as she was the most comfortable with me. She was not happy at home; not that happy living with us and we knew she would be more confused and unhappy at a facility.

So, bottom line is they are never truly in a happy state due to all the emotional and physical changes taking place. If agreement about her care cannot be agreed to try calling Elder Services in your town and maybe all of you could meet with someone there and they could give you direction and assistance.

This is not easy, I know; but somehow you'll all figure out what is best. Take care.
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