youknowvivian Asked May 2010

My sibling refuses to call my mom, offer financial assistance, of doing anything for the two of us. What can I do about this?

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oliviajr May 2010
I am in the same boat I have two brothers and a sister and I get NO help from none of them. I quite my jobs 3 yrs. ago so I could stay at home and take care of mom who is in the last stage of dimentia along with heart diease, kidney diease and a few other things. I have asked for help in all kind of ways. I have asked them for money to help with mom and I get No reply. I ask them to sit with her so I can go somewhere they have plans. But my sister wants me to call her asap when I take mom to the hospital to see if she needs to come now or can wait. Last July she fell and broke her hip and had to have surgery they came for that but as soon has it was over they all left and she crashed and ended up in ICU, and my sister was at airport and got on the plane and neither one of my brothers came back up. They left me up there by myself to handle it. Family can suck. The sicker my mom gets the worst they get. Thanks just needed to vent. By the way mom is 84
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Heatherj43 May 2010
I keep reading that many of you are saying to keep "your opinions to yourself", yet you are posting on a site that is designed to give advise and opinions. I appreciate what I am getting and I ask that you keep giving advice and opinions. I am not so weak skinned that I do not know to take what applies and leave the rest.
Of course no one hear knows exactly what any other person here is dealing with. As unique people we can each be given the same hand but cope differently.
Please keep the advise coming, I need it.
If I offend, I am truly sorry, however for me to even discuss some of this stuff with complete strangers, I am asking for opinions and some are not going to be so nicy nicy or accurate. Again, I will take what I need and leave the rest.
Bless all of you, for to even be on this site means a lot.
Love to you, Heather
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Wow, let your sister know how much you appreciate her work, and how unfair it all is. I think the caregivers on this list know when a sibling is a true selfish deadbeat and when they really can NOT help equally. One of my sisters has disabling back pain, walks with a cane, takes handfuls of meds, is extremely poor, and car is always broken, lives a few hours drive away. But still, she is genuinely involved and concerned by email.

I do SEVEN days straight, and sometimes have up to 12 hours where Mom is at daycare center, occasional respite caregiver who also helps tidy up. In reality, there is no time off, for these hours are spent on errands, shopping, noisy vacuuming, yard work. The caregiver actually needs a lot of attention and managing, and I'm more exhausted on the day she comes to "help."

My sister, when she helps even a few hours, is a total physical wreck. Once it took her a week to recover. She also let my mom fall when transferring her to the toilet. She could not do the heavy lifting. (I lift weights separately to be able to do this for Mom.)

Perhaps ask your sister for things you can do on days you usually aren't there. Shopping for them while you do your own shopping, internet research. Get her a massage wand she can use on her parents and for her back. One of the things my nieces do is to find cute greeting cards for my mom, full of stickers and cute notes. They send me a stack at once, and I slip one into the mail regularly. This takes some of the socialization strain off your sister, as the cards are a bit of sunshine from outside.

You could also show up with a fresh DVD to watch with your parents. If there was just one DVD I'd recommend it would be Andre Rieu's concert video of the Radio City Music Hall concert with the Harlem Gospel Choir. We have watched that dozens and dozens of times. It is eternally fresh. Maybe you could borrow a friend's dog and bring the mutt by for some pet therapy. These sorts of rays of light don't take that much strain to deliver, and believe me, your sister probably does not have the energy to entertain your parents if she's doing labor all the time.

Good luck, and you know our appreciation that you are even concerned enough to post on this board. Your heart seems in the right place.
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Heatherj43 May 2010
My oldest sis does most of the care taking of both parents. I help as much as I can, but I have my own issues that aren't that apparant and feel guilty.
My sis knows my issues, its a closed head injury, but I think many of my family members think I over exaggerate. I do the best i can. I don't know how to get rid of the guilt.
My sis is 64 and I am 55. She already raised a daughter with cystic fibrosis who died at age 19 and had to endure all what that entails and now to have to take care of my parents is just too much!!
I am going to keep trying, but I know after a day with my parents I sleep for 24 hours. My sis can do 5 days straight and seem okay.
I feel so gulity.
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195Austin May 2010
I an sorry if some of you thought I was judging anyone I was just pointing out in my state children are not responsible paying for their parents care but spouses are responsible when one spouse goes into a nursing home the spouse who is at home loses everything unless they planned ahead and put their home in trust when I was doing the medicade application I found out that they would take his social security pension life insurance investments in his name and or my name besides my life insurance was considered an asset and would have counted againist me-when his mother went into the nursing home she was self pay until she has spent down and then the nursing home did all the paperwork to get her on medicaide. I was a caregiver for 16 years for my husband and certainly do not judge anyone else and I try to be supportive of all others at all times-I have been so involved for many years and do have experience dealing with the same problems that other caregivers have and am sorry that I made some upset-I was only trying to give facts and most of my enteries do get stars for being helpful and do get favorable commets on my board. I am also pushing elected officals to make home care in my county more fair and when APS came to my house I passed along my experiences to help others and also passed along information about not paying the funeral home too quickly because if they have to wait for the life insurance they are more apt to help with the paperwork which I did not know at the time. And the bottom line is what others have found out you can not make others help you and caregivers are very often on their own-I realize all of this I have lived it myself-and I am truly sorry for making any of you upset.
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Pandoralou May 2010
I am one of 12 siblings and 2 of us take care of my mom while the other 9 completely ignore her. It is a source of great consternation for me, but I cannot make them care. They will have to answer to a higer power one day and I can only do the best I can. Just know that you are doing the right thing and whatever issues the sibling has are not your problem.
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dmvgirl May 2010
I also have my mother full time and had all of her mail sent directly to our home, since that is where she lives. Since she has lived with us, every 6 months she gets a letter from the pension company, asking her if she is still receiciving her pension and how, and then we need to have it notorized and sent back. If they do not receive it within a certain time period her pension checks would be stopped. So I would call them and find out.
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DanielRomero it is wonderful to find such peace, and you are blessed. It is not dwelling on it that keeps us from peace. It is the added burdens of our own health prblems and financial difficulties. All of this is well known to his siblings. We are in Miami now for sugery for my husbands spine. We will be here for four days. With good luck he will have limited motion when we are done. We had to search hard for a caregiver for mother and pay for it. There is a LOT on our plate. GOD is helping...we are not dwellers. But we are being tested hard. Sometimes we feel like we are losing.
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Mother has given us power of attorney,,,,and denindestroyer has EVERY RIGHT to have POWER OF ATTORNEY also. If pension funds are being divrted.....find out who and send her there. Or else demand that you be in charge. This is just NOT FAIR> Mother does not have pension or anything but a stipend coming in to take care of her needs. We take care of everything else. She gets FREE 24hour nursing care from me. I think that AlzCaregiver has an idea......lets OUT THE DEAD BEAT siblings !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Here4her May 2010
Vivian

Do you or anyone have durable power of attorney? If a sibling has it they can change where the pension check goes.

I am so sorry about your stress. You and I are alike in that no help from other family members, aging (look 10 years older in 2 years) and friends traveling and enjoying what should be their golden years. It is so frustrating...all these people on the board in the same boat and no answer, but the support of this group helps. Does your mom have any assets that your siblings will gain if she passes away? If so I'd tell them you'll let the nursing home use up those funds. Believe me they will be first in line if something happens to her.
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