How do I cope with a sibling who is in denial about our mother's decline?

As I was the one in the family with an irresponsible track record. No collage edjucation, no money due to an irresponsible husband (now ex), On paper my life looks to them like I am weak. I have an edjucation in life lessons they totally overlook and cannot process. Everything thing sure looks pretty if you live your life denying reality and think your covered because you have a nice home and a car and money in the bank. When reality smacks you in the face and your false security as you know it is threatened you take the denial road. Your edjucation and money cannot save you in this situation. You are threatened by your inability to process the unknown. So as the one with the poor track record who chose the reality road when it came to "Mom's care" (selfless act) I got all kinds of negative attitude. I was stirring the pot!!!! Disrupting a smooth shiney bubble for the family. I was on the right track but they didn't want to believe it. I had nothing to lose oor gain but my self worth and Mom's quality of life. Something had to be done, but the others had no answers just negative input. So once I finally realized that.... I did whatever it took. I brushed off the downers and took over, then I got an attitude because I did that. I was in a possition they were feeling threatened as there wish was for failure. I was told by them she's going to die in two years anyway. So what were we going to do in the meantime? They had words but no actions. Every action I included them with a hope of assistance, but was no action, I went foward. I got Mom in a good situation forever and on my own. If I could trade a trillion dollars for the feeling I gained in making sure Mom's care was my number one priority I wouldn't do it. My only regret is that they still do not understand that a LIFE has a greater return on happiness than money can buy. Life is created by God, money is created by man. So when your day comes to pass, do you think god cares how much money you have... or how you took care of his creations? My recomendation is to do what it takes to feel good in your heart, honesty and whole hearted love is all you need. If the denial in others is persitant, leave a door open but don't let it interfere with your decisions on the well being of another. With this attitude doors will open you never imagined.

Oh, have I ever been where you are now! Throughout my father's 8 month illness due to strokes, my siblings did not want to hear or face the truth. I finally decided to turn the situation over to his caseworkers who chased my relatives down before they left the hospital. I had become the recipient of my family's anger because I wanted what was best for Dad. Tiptoeing around them made it worse, so I turned it over to the caseworkers at each facility Dad was sent to ( A total of 8). I am so sorry you are struggling with this situation. Go talk to the people looking after your mother and ask for help. I will keep you in my thoughts. Rebecca

If you’re facing this very common issue, step back and take a deep breath. No one can be shown the light if they refuse to open their eyes. We must move forward in spite of other people’s beliefs and actions in these situations. Don't let your self feel or become powerless. If you do, another problem is created and the original problem will only get worse.
I’d like to take what DanielRomero said on Dec 21st, 2009 "How much can we realistically expect my 80 something father to help with my mother's care?” and expand.
This question should be asked of the Doctor, your Father, sister your self. This will clearly indicate how reasonably your Father & sister perceives the situation and compare it to the medical and possible social work/discharge planner’s advice. Call a local Home Care agency (Home Health or non-medical) and have a home care assessment completed. They are usually done for free, depending where you live, so ask them. This assessment will provide a general and specific evaluation of the household and personal care required to maintain life safely and independently for your parents. It’s not fair to assume that Dad should put himself at risk trying to care for his wife. If it is determined additional care is needed, do your homework and discuss methods and cost of the care level recommended. Often, family can supplement a few hours a week to help with costs. If possible, have a face to face conversation with your sister. Leave your baggage by door, and speak only on the facts and your concerns. Make no insinuations, guilt comments etc. Try very hard to stay on topic and not let personalities and anger/resentment fuel you’re conversation. Find something you both believe about your folks, and let what you think in common be the beginning of the first step together. I hope this is helpful

CATH:

Don't take this literally, but slap some sense into Cleopatra Queen of Denial. Find support groups in your area and drag her along; doctors and nurses at the NH can help too. Eventually enough people are going to be calling her a horse she'll have no choice but to put on a saddle.

Help her see the Light -- whatever light that is --; as long as she begins to embrace the fact that life is a circle that all of us sooner or later complete.

Good luck.

-- ED

Have the social worker meet with all family members and give an assestment of your Mom and she or he will be responsible to see that she goes home with appropiate help or stays in the nursing home in which case medicaide will have to be applied for and when your sister see's what this means as far as financies and home ownership goes she may change her mind and get involved if not at least she will know what is what and do not worry-I have been involved with the medicaide application and believe me it is an eye opener-maybe you want to give your sister one to go over and see what is involved-but it is not unuassal for a family member not to get it conserning what an elder is able to do and what a caregiver especially an elder spouse is able to do-it is almost impossible for a child of an elder to cope with caregiving let alone a spouse who probably has their own health concerns.

My family was the same. Total denial of severity of her illnesses. I was "told off" by several members of my family because they thought I spent too much time with our Mother and not enough time being a single young woman. Well, unfortunately, it took years for them to see the light of her declining health. Years... But, thankfully, today all but 1 understands the complexity of her health challenges and everyone thanks me for hanging in there with her as her fulltime caregiver. I even today enjoying a week off (my sisters are taking care of Mom). Woohoo! My first vacation in 3 years! :) Its sad I guess, but its why I'm all over this site. I'm sorta at a loss of what to do with so much free time. Things are too quiet too! LOL!

You've got it figured out, Lilli. It's different for everyone, but often the emotion toll of trying to get people out of denial is harder than moving forward on your own.

Hang in all of you. It's tough. You've got people here who understand.
Carol

I call this behavior "deep-dish denial." Isn't amazing that those who do the least complain the most?? And as everyone has mentioned above, it is not easy to deal with. Often expert medical advice is dismissed because these people have a fantasy that their parents being immortal. They may not be the type of person who can handle emotional realtities. Unfortunately, someone has to deal with reality and, right now, that person is you.
Is your sister interferring with the plans you have made or just wanting you to be her "venting ear?" If so, I would give her so many minutes to vent, then change the subject or always have a reason to leave the conversation. It does not sound like she is the type to "pitch in" so I would not get angry over it (dealing with this one myself.) I am sorry that your sister is badgering your father. Sometimes the elderly have no energy to deal with a whiner and just let them blather on.
My siblings just "blow up" anytime they are asked to do anything reasonable to help. So I just had to put some distance between us. With everything I have on my plate, I did not have the strength to deal with self-centeredness.
The last thing you need is to have to justify your sound decisions. Make good plans, follow through with them, and create some distance between you and those who are "energy vampires."
Good Luck,
Lilli

Your sister sounds very afraid of yall's mother's decline and dad's aging health which limits his ability as a husband and as a father. I would not be surprised to find fear of mainly her mother no longer being the healthy and strong one, but now declined and one day will die absolutely scares the daylights out of her. I think she's covering up her fears with anger toward you and yall's dad because you two are easy targets which makes it easy for her not to deal with her own emotions about all of this. In my opinion, she's being much more than unrealistic about your mom. She's probably not been as realistic about life in general as you have and now the reality of you are now joining the ranks of older adults now for your parents are about to exit just fill her with fear and that makes her mad. Thus, I would try my best to not personalize her anger and particularly so if after following all the good advice aboe, she chooses to still live in disbelief. How many years apart are you and your sister?

Sounds like your sister is scared about losing her mom. She needs someone to blame and find a reason for her mom not being well. Maybe your sister DOES know what's going on, but can't bring herself to admit it. You know like when a woman is suspicious of her husband. As long as she doesn't say it out loud, it can still be 'just her imagination'.

I am going through the same situation with one of my brothers who does not seem to understand that our mother is not making good decisions in many situations. I have gone through trying to discuss it with him and have started trying to realize he is at one point in the acceptance process and I am further along in accepting the changes in my mother's behavior. I am choosing the issues that are the most important regarding my mother's safety and am stand my ground when I believe we need to protect her. I hope this helps some.

Everyone deals with grief differently. I have dealt with some of the same problems with my mother and sisters. I agree that bringing in third party may help but with my sister, she just decided the doctor was wrong. Your sister still may be angry but she will no longer just be hearing you and your dad's opinion. In bringing in a third party you are doing what you can then just do your best to support your father and realize you can not change other people. You just do the best you can and support your mother and father the best you can.

Sometimes people don't want to admit that there brother or sister or even mom or dad are ill. They are afraid of the end. Sit down they your sister and ask maybe she can take mom for a couple of days so you can get sometings taken care of. My own uncle told be I was the crazy one when I tried to tell hem to come and visit his sister she needs to see him and he needs to see what is going on before its to late.Mom was able to play tricks with people on the phone, she told him I was trying to clean up her home and nothing was wrong with her she made sound like a fool. She also did it to my husband and even the doctors as well. When I finally got throught to my uncle abou the Alzheimers he never got back in touch me in the last four years mom has pass away just this pass month. Good luck, try and have a Merry Christmas with your family. patrica61

I like FamHaynes suggestion, but that just ain't gonna happen. So, set up a consult to discuss your mother's prognosis and future care with your her doctor. Make sure you have a list of questions an important one being, "How much can we realistically expect my 80 something father to help with my our mother's care?". And "What can we do to help get through this difficult time of separation from his wife?". Your sister will probably not like the answers, however she will be getting the answers from a professional and you can tell her you do not have a problem with her getting a second opinion. If she chooses to still be bitter, realize you have done your best, focus on your parents care and do not let her bitterness affect your happiness or ability to do what you can to aid your parents. This advice is easy to give but very hard to follow, I know from a very similar circumstance. This must be very hard on your father, good luck to both of you.

Perhaps Mom could stay with your sister for 30 days. It is amazing how the experience can get through where words can not. For some, even one week will drive the point home.

This is so common and so sad. It may help if you can get some medical people to back up you and your poor dad. He likely feels bad enough the way it is without your sister's blame and denial. It's easier for those who don't have to do the direct care to blame. Please keep supporting your dad, and try to get some third party opinions to help your sister get past this.
Carol