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I haven't had hardly any help from my brother who lives here in town since my husband and I moved in with my mother three years ago. He never calls and offers to help with mother or to come stay with her to give us a break. He has stayed with her when I've asked him so my husband could go to MD Anderson. I will tell him once in awhile problems we have with mother and problems with living with her. But, his reaction is that she is 83 years old and we don't know what we'll be like when we are 83 years old. Well, tonight, I told him a problem that is about to happen with mother and I still got the same reaction. The problem coming up is... my husband received a birthday card with money in it to "take his sweety" out to supper." Of course, that's me.... and that the person giving the card would come over and stay with mother while we went out to eat. I didn't ask mother if my husband and I could do this or not because mother doesn't have plans for Saturday night. She doesn't do anything without me. She can't see well, can't drive, and has a lot of health problems. Well, the person who gave my husband this birthday card and money came over to our house to eat tonight and we discussed going out to eat Saturday night and they would come over to stay with mother. Mother immediately said that might not happen because she might not feel like doing this. And, she said that we were always bossing her around and she might not want to do that. So, now, mother will be upset if we go out to eat and she doesn't want us to. I guess she feels she isn't in control of what is happening. I just hate to know we'll have a confrontation about it. Well, I told this to my brother and he started this thing about we don't know how we'll be when we are 83 years old, etc. I told him that my husband and I can't just stay with mother 24/7, that it will run us crazy and it has already run us crazy!! He didn't seem to get that we need a break here sometimes. My brother and I aren't confrontational people, so we didn't really deal with this problem, just sort of dropped it. Now, my husband and I know that mother is about to be upset and we'll have to listen to her put-downs of us again. Mother says really mean things when she gets mad at us. I don't know if I have a guestion or not, it's just that I don't want to tell my brother anything else because he just doesn't "get it." He needs to come live with her for a month, then he'd get it.

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"aren't confrontational people, so we didn't really deal with this problem, just sort of dropped it"

To me the heart of this whole thing is both of you not confronting this issue and just dropping it. This same pattern is seen with your mother and these plans to go out and eat. You are your mom's adult child, but not her little girl anymore. Your husband can't fight this boundary battle with your mother only you can because it sounds like she's got you with a lot of F.O.G. fear, obligation and guilt. Tell mommy that you and not playing kiddie-bo anymore and some nice has offered to come over so you two can go out. I really does not matter if she feels like it or not because she's not the one going out. I can only imagine the burden this has put on your marriage and I wonder how your husband is bearing up under all of this.

One big boundary problem is that you are no longer in your own home. She's got you just where she wants you, but I think for the sake of your own sanity you should find some way for her to be safe and cared for while ya'll find somewhere else to live. And please don't hide behind your husband's pants expecting him to be your knight in shinning armor. My wife tried that for years and it did not work.
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I know exactly what your going through with your Brother, I have two siblings that do not have a clue what we go through, and they really cant understand, they still see the same sweet Mama they always had, they dont hear all the complaints from her and they dont have to get two ready everytime they go somewhere and all the other stuff that goes with it. Everytime I say something that my Mama says about me to my sister, her response is wanting to know what I did to make her mad. I hope you do have support from your husband, because you definitely need some from someone. I think yall should just go ahead and go out, she may get mad but if not for that it will just be something else, plus if you dont go that just lets her know she has the upper hand. Hope it works out for you and your husband.
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DJ: you are doing the best you can, and dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's is quite the challenge. Nothing makes sense to them. If you have someone (other than your brother) that will stay with Mom while you go out and enjoy your hubbie's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUBBIE), please go and enjoy yourself.

Why not have your mother CALL your brother? Some people just don't get it (sounds like my brother) and unless they LIVE IT they won't. It took one solid month of my mother being with my older brother for HIM to get it!

Be strong, and know that you are doing the best you can. Look for ways to get relief for yourself by having her attend SENIOR Day care, or other supervised care and respite.

If your brother is close, make a schedule and let him know that HE will need to care for Mom from "date to date". You don't need to give him a reason. After all.. its HIS mother too!! :)

God bless....
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Hi djnorris,
If someone that is a friend and doesn't happen to be a relative is trying to help you out by giving you time away from your mother, then I say take it and tell your mom 'tough tookies'.
This is the way it is. She should be deeply indebted to your husband & you for taking on the responsibility of caring for her.
Everyone needs a respite from caregiving, even if it is all too brief. I was Primary Caregiver to my MIL before she had to go into the Nursing Home. I took it on with the understanding that every sibling would help out. It worked until her 1st hospitilization. After she came back, everyone helped out for the 1st month or two and then it was like pulling teeth to get all
of them to help out. Then came the 2nd hospitilization and she
had to go into the Nursing Home for good--I'm sure--because not everyone wanted to help out. If everyone wanted to, she could have come back to live with us after rehabilitation. But, no-o-o-o-o-o! You have to act like the parent now, whether you like it or not. I didn't, but I muddled thru and made it. Also keep coming back to www.agingcare.com, because I don't think I would have survived it if it had not been for this site. You never said what your mother illness has that has you & your husband living with her & caring for her. Vent on here, ask for advice.
You can try asking your brother again to help out occasionally.
Try that for starters. Maybe you'll get more of his time to sit with your mom. After all, it's His mother too!!!:) :) :) You're doing a GREAT job and you are very STRONG and KIND for doing this service for your mom. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))!!!!!!!!!!
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Djnorris, As long as you're living in your mother's home, you are having trouble tapping into the power you need to assert control over your life. In reality, you always have that power within you, it's just that--- living with your mother you are put in a position where your mother has constant access to you, so she can try to wear you down. And then you can fall into that old role (that Crowe was talking about) of the little girl who has to obey her mother. It's possible for you to stand up to your mother right now, while you're living with her, but you have to be aware that you going to have to constantly monitor yourself to stand strong....and believe that you have the right to decide for your own life. You are in charge of your life, not your mother. It would be so much better if you and your husband could move out and make arrangements for good care for your mother without all of you under the same roof. Good luck! Stay strong.
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Staying home instead of going to dinner or any place else is giving her control over your life. My grandmother lived until 105 and just before she died, she told me to do what I wanted as long as my father was in a safe environment. You have to realize that they are scared of something happening and you will not be there if it does - some stranger will be taking care of them. If you can, just ignore the comments knowing that you are doing all you can to care for this person to the best of your ability.
As far as your brother, pretend you are an only child. I have 2 brothers. One that lives with me and one that lives down the street. I took both parents in my house when I got divorced and I have asked my brothers for help or relief since I need to work to pay the bills and both ignore the situation like it didn't exist. When I do things as a only child, I don't get as frustrated. It's sad, but you need to do things to survive the frustration. Because, as the adage goes, every dog will have his day!
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Dj, it seems to me your biggest problem is NOT the brother, it's the mother. You don't say in your profile that your mother has alzheimer's, so I would ask her this 'mom, do you remember that you looked forward to spending time ALONE with dad?, well that's what hubby and I are going to do. We're going out to dinner, someone will come and visit with you while we're gone if you like, and we'll be back late so don't wait up'. PERIOD don't take no for an answer. Like the Nike ads says, 'Just do it'. Make your plans, and stick to it. She won't die if she separates from your hip for an evening. Have fun.
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you could look at it this way, your mother is likely to be mad about something or other even if you stay. Actually she has the RIGHT to feel however she wants to, just as we all do. A spiritual leader said warping our own lives to change the behavior or feelings of another is...the prescription for enslavement...put that in your pipe and smoke it for about ten years. What a concept.
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It's been my own experience that not only don't my siblings 'get it', they have absolutely no intention of ever 'getting it'. I guess it's it kinda like the old puttin' your head in the sand -denial trick. I believe if they were to allow themselves to understand the true difficulties we face, they would be overwhelmed with guilt about their own parents as well as their own sibling.
Or maybe I'm just feeling generous today.
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Mother upset?????? Heaven forbid!!!!
After all, her life is soooooo much more important than that of you or your husband???? How dare you wish for a little time for yourselves????
Sounds like time to GET a little confrontational unless you enjoy being run over.
I understand you are living under her roof, but you are a human being & deserve a life also. Are you daughter or servant?
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