Our mother is now in a facility. I have a brother who is an addict (part-time) and thinks he can keep her in mom and dad's house. Should we let him try?

Asked by

She is in a Memory Care unit where the residents there seem worse than she is. I'm not sure what stage of Alzheimer's she is in. My brother's history is that he is a trooper for about 3 or 4 days and then gone. I know I will end up rescueing my mom whom I love, but I have too much going on with my own life to care for her 24-7. My sister makes me feel guilty, but she and my brother are younger than me, years younger. My sister works and doesn't get home until bedtime. She goes to work around 11 a.m. so that excuses her involvement in daily routines. Help!

Answers 1 to 10 of 22
Have you asked the doctor what stage she is? If she is where she needs to be for her own safety and best care, then why do you feel a need to rescue her and rescue her from what when as you say that you have too much going on in your life to care for her 24/7 which is not something a family member should take on? How is your sister making you feel guilty and why are you choosing to let her intimidate you for it does not sound like she is any help? What, if any, work does your brother do and what is he addicted to. I've not heard of a part time addict? It sounds to me like there's a lot of emotional blackmail being thrown at using using Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Set some reasonable boundaries, choose to not let them push your buttons and if you can't get a qualified therapist to help you with this. I wish you well. It sounds like you need to primarily take good care of yourself so that you don't end up really needing to be rescued.
If your mother is safe and well cared for in the facility, I suggest you leave her there. If you take her out and put her in your brother's care, how will you know when he is "gone"? Alz can progress rapidly and in unsuspected ways. She will need 24/7 care. It doesn't sound like your brother can provide that. If he can't take care of her, what happens if she wanders away, turns on the stove, falls, etc.?

Do what is best for your mom, not your brother or sister.
If your brother is an addict, he is an addict 24/7 whether he uses or not. It would not be safe to leave your mother with him. I think you have mad to correct choice to have mom in a care unit. It is difficult when siblings don't agree with you, but since you have been the primary caregiver, you need to be OK with your choice
If it is at all humanly possible I vote to try it. The key word is "trying".
From my own experience, a 24/7 facility is the last stop in life's path. The indignity of the nursing home is as an assist in finishing off the weak and disabled.
If your brother thinks it is possible then try it. It may even help him in his own abdication problem by assuming more of the responsibility. What do you have to lose?
Top Answer
Just for the record, there is no such thing as a part time addict- that's like saying that someone is slightly pregnant- you either are or your not! Addicts are charming, manipulative and unreliable. If mom is currently in a memory care unit there is a reason otherwise she would be in a less supervised environment. It's not easy to judge the care she actually needs vs the care that you think she needs. It's your call and you've spoken your concerns, so if you do allow this you and only you will be responsible for the outcome and personal responsibility that you will take on. Good luck and god bless.
ABSOLUTELY NOT! You would not be doing your mom nor your brother and good, it is putting temptation right into his lap! A facility is a much better place and he won't have access to the drugs, you can all rotate visitation
I agree that you cannot be an addict part time. Your mother is in a good place and I would leave her there. Don't feel guilty that you can't keep her full time. I keep my mother full time but am a widow and have been able to retire to focus on her. It is a full time job and there are many times that I am overwhelmed. There is lots of stress that just occurs when you are caring for a parent in your home. An addict is more susceptible to this stress. I think you could be putting your mother in danger and causing more stress on yourself. Let the guilt go. Being a caregiver is not for everyone and nobody should feel guilty for not being called to take on that responsibility. There are so many great care centers and you are doing your part by keeping her in a place where she can have all the help she needs. Let the guilt go and spend that time focusing on you and loving your mother. Ask your brother to share visitation with you. God bless.
No. You need to get a grip on your brother's condition. There is no such thing as a part-time addict. You are either an addict or an addict in recovery. His grandiosity in assuming he could care for her is a good indicator that he's not dealing in the reality of the situation. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to care for you mother in her home.
Carecoach is correct. Placing your mother with Alz and her prescription medications into the care of an addict is a very bad idea.

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support