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I printed out 2 articles. One on Caregiver Burnout and one on Caregiver Depression.
Should I give these to my mother ? She's a very negative, critical person and has no idea how much I have given up to care for her, yet all she does is complain.
i don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think it's her fault, but i think she should know how this affects me. Of course, there's always the chance that she will twist it all around to make me feel even worse !!

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Hi rebecca lynn -- yep you've come to the right site. As others have said, you may or may not show those articels to your mom. After weighing the pros & cons, the ball is in your hands. I will leave it all up to you. Just let us know what happened. I will quickly share mine here, I showed a similar book to my mom dealing with the stress that elderly parents bring to their middle-age kid. She skimmed the pages for like 5-7 minutes then placed the book on her bed, got up, asked for fruit juice and never bothered to read it again! ^_^ after a few days I asked her again if she understands it, she just nodded and did something else again. She zipped her mouth & left me wondering if she fully understands me or not. After 18 yrs of caregiving for her, at some point, you will learn to act intuitively, & by this ability you learn to avoid useless confrontation that will most often never be resolved. SO why stress yourself... U will come to that point when u know this is what you can give, this is up to this point only. beyond that, let your parent do what she wants to do, yet there won't be guilt on your part anymore. After all, we are all operating on medical financial triage... resources are finite, money is finite, we have our limitations, our time is limited, our patience & vitality is all drained. Let's practice triage. conserve for our own sake whatever is left of us. And re-charge please. it's not bad to distance yourself so u can recharge. don't feel guilty about it. Keep us posted what is ur decision and how ur mom took it? We're here for u.
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Hi Rebeccalynn, I have been a caregiver to my mother for the last 14 years(she has MS), and I know exactly how you feel. I am the youngest son of four children, and my brothers and sisters are the "perfect ones" that can do no wrong. and I too have been the victim of negative comments and negative attitude from my mother. But what I had to understand is that our relationship changed a long time ago, I stopped being the child, and became the extension of herself that she was when she was healthy. It may not be you that she is attacking, but herself for being in the dependent situation that she is in.I have learned that she cannot understand what she is doing to me, without feeling that she is responsible for my decision to take care of her, and guilt turns to anger, and then it is taken out on me.So you see, it becomes a vicious cycle, and nothing gets resolved. Just understand that you are the most important person in her life and when she needs someone to help her physically and emotionally, you are her rock. There are many outside resources to help you, try to step away and take moments for yourself, take time to write down how you feel by entering it into a journal, or take a quiet walk for a half an hour. These things have helped me immensely, and I hope I have been helpful, we are here for each other. I hope my suggestion finds you and your mother well.
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Welcome RebeccaLynn - to a club we all would rather not be in. In my case, I think articles would just inflame my mother. I do not find i can discuss things with her either, but the past few years I have been stating (not for discussion) my needs and limitations more that I did before (see crecent comments in my post "Does anyone care for a borderline personality parent? Do you have any tips for helping them?").This I often do by email as she lives in another city and sometimes face to face.

You say " I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think it's her fault, but i think she should know how this affects me." I do agree - absolutely - and while it may not be her "fault" she does bear some responsibility in the situation. Your feelings are as important as hers. Self centered, negative people usually have no idea how they affect others and I think only you can tell her that. Those of us who were brought up by a negative critical parent have been "trained" to put the needs/feelings of others before our own. Breaking out of that is hard but can be done and really needs to be done for our emotional health and even our physical and.spiritual health. There is excellent support here. Wishing you all the success possible in your situation, You are worth it!
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Hi RebeccaLynn, I'm sure you'll enjoy the helpful posts here. A lot of SecretSister's story can describe mine too. Never got along with mom and caring for her was the worst nightmare ever. Too much closeness with a person I couldn't ever in one lifetime be close to. We've since parted company (long, very ugly story). I have one of those "pefect" sisters too. Lives across country, I'll give her a pass for that, only sees the mom every 3-4yrs and never once offered me/my family any help or thanks.
I agree that the articles probably won't go over as you'd like. Moms like these never think they apply to them because it's always someone else's fault. But you know your mom better than we do and if you think it'll help, go for it.
I wish you the best. Taking care of a negative parent is a challenge.
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Hi, Rebecca Lynn--I tend to think that it wouldn't do you any good to show your mother those articles on caregiver burnout and depression. She may in fact become defensive and angry, rather than sympathetic toward you. The problem I ran into when my elderly mother was alive was the frustration I felt that my mother could not see my point of view about certain things-----when formerly she would have. It was as if her mind and personality were being affected by the aging process, and this was difficult and saddening to see. Because in her earlier life she had been very composed and rational thinking. I don't know what is the case with your mother.....but chances are that showing her the articles wouldn't help, and may make matters worse. A healthy thing for you to do is come on here and express yourself to the other caregivers here, who DO sympathize and understand. Oh yeah, by the way, I sympathize with you and want you to know I think you're doing the best job you can for your mother under the circumstances! I say you're a good daughter to your Mom!
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Hi Rebecca Lynn, Sorry you're in this "no win" situation. I'm sorry we're ALL in this situation. I don't think it would do any harm to let her read the articles...but if she is anything like my Mom, it won't do any good either. Whenever my Mom is confronted with evidence of any wrongdoing she simply says, "Well you know I'm not in my right mind!" "I can't help it". So the blame goes right back to me for bringing it up. The only thing that has helped me is to "take the high road" and tell myself she really has a problem. I started something a few months ago that really seems to work. Mom wants me to be wherever she is in the house (same room). When she starts acting up I ask her to please stop or I'm leaving the room. If she doesn't stop I go to another room in the house for about a half hour. I kept repeating this to show her I do not have to tolerate her behavior and if she wants to act that way, she can be all by herself. After a few days she improved dramatically!! It's kind of like giving your kids a time out.
However please have at least one day a week for yourself. Get someone else to watch Mom and take the day to do whatever makes you happy. You need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.
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Naheaton your MIL is lucky to have a DIL like you. You are lucky to have the company too.

I use to try to get mom to go to the movies with me, before she got sick, and she use to say she couldn't sit for long periods of time. Our outings would be to go to the market. I use to laugh at her when she'd drive those motorized market scooters to shop because she'd run into everything (before she had the stroke). Now when I'm marketing and see a senior citizen on one I often wish my mom was still in the condition to drive one.

Got a little off the subject here, just thought I would plant that thought while it was there.
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Wow when reading this I could have written it. My sister can do no wrong. My sister live 2000 miles away has Mom for a short visit yet feels she knows all the answers. Tells me over the phone how I should handle things. She does not have the time to help our mother as it would interfear with her life. My mother has not a clue how I feel , if she did she would not care. I was always the black sheep until now. When my Momis there all they do is shop, my mom has so much now I dread the next trip when she comes back as I don't know where to put any more. Just know you are not alone. Tired
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Some people are so ugly, mean, and hardhearted that you can't just love the devil out of them, but you must protect and respect yourself.
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RebeccaLynn, your photo is a beautiful testament to stress. Very nice photo! I don't think there is anything wrong with your wanting to share some of your posts with your Mom, or even reading portions of what you have written to her as conversation starters. IF she can engage in such conversations, even if she doesn't find them helpful, they may be very therapeutic to you. I occasionally discuss and share some of my posts and related care content with my Mom and have enjoyed interesting discussions with her. She gets to ask why caregivers might feel certain ways and whether and how I feel, and I get to correlate it to how she may occasionally feel when she thinks too much about her health decline. Then again, it tales mature communication styles to do what you are wanting to do. GO for it! It says a lot about you that you wish to engage in a mature conversation or exchange with your Mom. It may not be perfect, but it may just be what the doctor ordered for you to share where it is most meaningful to you. Follow your heart, and know that I am rooting for you, whatever you decide. Hugs. Ours is not an easy road, and you are doing the very best you can. Your Mom has her own life issues to work out. In the meantime, you can try to better balance your emotions by sharing your thoughts gently with someone who knows you better than most,.
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