Should I give the AgingCare articles on Caregiver Burnout and Caregiver Depression to my elderly mother to read?

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I printed out 2 articles. One on Caregiver Burnout and one on Caregiver Depression.
Should I give these to my mother ? She's a very negative, critical person and has no idea how much I have given up to care for her, yet all she does is complain.
i don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think it's her fault, but i think she should know how this affects me. Of course, there's always the chance that she will twist it all around to make me feel even worse !!

Answers 1 to 10 of 39
Why feed coal to the fire dear? You've said she's already negative, critical, and has no idea what you've given up to care for her. Do you really think reading something in black and white will make her realize.

That's just my opinion, I'm sure others will have others but please keep us posted on what you decide to do.

I am curious as to what type of relationship you've had with your mom in the past.

I hope this helps and I'll be watching to see what happens. By the way, what magazines are those from, I'd like to read it for myself. Perhaps I could find them on line.
Just read your profile, should have read before I posted. Just want to tell you that you're not alone in feeling unappreciated, we all feel the same way. Losing your mind, yep we've been there too.

So as others start to add to your post just want to welcome you and assure you that you've come to the right place for help. We're here for you, I know I couldn't have gotten through my ordeal without the wonderful people that I've connected with on this site.
Thanks for the welcome Pamela. To answer your questions, my mother and I never had a close relationship. My sister who is 7 yrs. older than I, was, and still is, the perfect one. She lives about 100 miles away, so she gets a get out of jail free card for any caregiving. Oh and before I forget, the website I found those articles on was helpguide.org
As for giving them to my mom, I hear what you're saying and that was what I was afraid of. But on the other hand, since I can't have a discussion with her, I thought maybe this was the next best thing. hmmm
Hello RebeccaLynn, Welcome! I've been dealing with a negative mom, also. She always was, but I didn't realize how much until I became her caregiver. Then things got incredibly awful! It was a nightmare, and we were her hostages for over two years. My mom doesn't care how she affects anyone, only how they affect her. She would never see herself as part of the problem. Never. And if she were to run across an article, she just wouldn't take the hint. She has Personality Disorders, and it's not nice to be around her. We're glad not to be her caregivers anymore. But fortunately, we help look out for our dad's interests. We are privileged to be a part of their lives. Hope you find some encouragement here, and answers. Bless you!
Hi RebeccaLynn, I'm sure you'll enjoy the helpful posts here. A lot of SecretSister's story can describe mine too. Never got along with mom and caring for her was the worst nightmare ever. Too much closeness with a person I couldn't ever in one lifetime be close to. We've since parted company (long, very ugly story). I have one of those "pefect" sisters too. Lives across country, I'll give her a pass for that, only sees the mom every 3-4yrs and never once offered me/my family any help or thanks.
I agree that the articles probably won't go over as you'd like. Moms like these never think they apply to them because it's always someone else's fault. But you know your mom better than we do and if you think it'll help, go for it.
I wish you the best. Taking care of a negative parent is a challenge.
Hi, Rebecca Lynn--I tend to think that it wouldn't do you any good to show your mother those articles on caregiver burnout and depression. She may in fact become defensive and angry, rather than sympathetic toward you. The problem I ran into when my elderly mother was alive was the frustration I felt that my mother could not see my point of view about certain things-----when formerly she would have. It was as if her mind and personality were being affected by the aging process, and this was difficult and saddening to see. Because in her earlier life she had been very composed and rational thinking. I don't know what is the case with your mother.....but chances are that showing her the articles wouldn't help, and may make matters worse. A healthy thing for you to do is come on here and express yourself to the other caregivers here, who DO sympathize and understand. Oh yeah, by the way, I sympathize with you and want you to know I think you're doing the best job you can for your mother under the circumstances! I say you're a good daughter to your Mom!
REB:

You've come to that fork on the road; now take it! Give her the articles to read and brace for impact. Since you don't know how she'll interpret them, try anticipating her moves. Refuse to be abused, but do it respectfully. Good luck, and welcome to the family.

-- ED
I like what you wrote, Mr. Viera, about her being at a fork in the road. Some people don't understand respect. And it can be near impossible dealing with an unreasonable person, so how things are handled depends upon who we are dealing with, and who we are, don't you think? Women have a tendency to operate differently than men. And mom's often treat their sons with more respect than they do their daughters, from my perspective. Of coarse, that's a huge generalization, so doesn't apply in all scenarios. Either a mother and daughter get along, or they do not, from my experience and observation. What many of us need here, is advice about how to treat ourselves well, when our mothers do not treat us well. We so lack loving guidance, and have been trained to accept criticism, that it can be very disabling. It's hard to be respectful towards an abusive mother, in my opinion, though we try, but often end of being taken advantage of. What daughters in this situation need, is both permission to care for ourselves, and instruction in dealing with a difficult mom. Some may even need protection from an abusive mother.
I'm so glad I came to this site !! Every comment I've received has been invaluable. I'm leaning towards not showing her the articles, although, what edvierajr said kind of makes me think that I should just go for it !!
I've always been the empath in my family, sometimes to a fault, and I internalize everything. I hate conflict , so I avoid it, but in doing so, I am hurting myself.
When my husband slipped and told my mother that I was struggling with depression, she started hounding me about it, and then she started telling me that I had lost my mind.
I guess i was thinking that this is my way of giving her the information and letting her get out of it what she will. I'm still the frightened insecure child that I've always been so I thought of this as taking a step towards respecting myself enough to stand up to her.
I so appreciate everyone's input and I'll be sure to let you know what I decide to do. Any other comments are definitely welcome.
My situation is a flip to this situation. My mother has always been abusive to me, taken advantage of me and never there for me.
For the past year I have been the caregiver for both my parents, moved into their condo in Florida with them, leaving my home and grown children in Georgia.
The flip is...now my mother is so appreciative, supportive of me and what I am doing. Has verbally told me how she never knew me and is so proud of having me for her daughter. Tells everyone how lucky she is. She tries to help me help them. She gets soooo excited when I get a chance to go out for fun...maybe more excited than I am. My brother is in Ohio and doesn't even call..free pass. He was her golden boy and now she is really hurt by him. She was an only child and spoiled. She was Miss Guam and a model when younger.
Now she is a mess and wondering what happened. She feels I am the best thing that ever happened and is sorry that she wasn't a good mother to me. We are now having the good mother/daughter relationship we never had....getting to meet the person we never knew before. Sure she sometimes goes into that princess mode, but now she sees herself doing it and fights it. She will never change, but now she sees herself doing it and doesn't like herself then. Just thought I would share this transformation of a mother/daughter relationship. Too bad it had to take this situation to make it happen... we have been blessed that it did. When she dies I will be broken hearted and that isn't how it was a year ago.

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