M1953 Asked June 2011

What do you do when your parent gets mad at you for sharing their medical test with your siblings?

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For several years, I was the daughter who took her parents for all the appointments, helped with the mowing & eventually my husband & I took care of my parents lawn (it is a farm, so about a days work with the weedeating), pulled weeds in flower beds, repaired anything that needed repaired (the home was built in 1953 so lots to repair), painted sheds, barns, gates, etc. A year ago, when taking my dad for an appointment, he has Hepatitis from blood transfusion during the early '80s, my mom asked me to go back with them to hear results. The doctor read the results of the most recent test & what he read said that dad had an additional strain of Hep. My mom kept interrupting the doctor, who was reading the results to another doctor that was present, telling them that it was their 64th wedding anniversary & my husband & I were taking them out to eat. The doctor kept trying to read the results & mom continued to interrupt. Mom is 87 dad 91 When the doctor said that dad had the additional strain, then my dad said "well what do we do about it!" The doctor said "at your age, they couldn't do anything, as the treatment was like going through chemo, would possibly kill him. The problem is that dad has some early signs of alzheimers & can only remember things from years & years ago! Mom was rattling about their anniversary! On the way home we discussed the results, to my husband & he asked what could be done & we told him nothing & dad didn't have to go back to this doctor! We also said that the doctor would send the results to their GP back home. After we arrived home, I had been very ill with a bladder infection. It seems like for years I have let my health go & took care of mom & dad! I didn't get my siblings called right away, in fact was so ill, I spent a few days just laying around! My eldest brother had called me to ask how it went the next day after the appointment & I informed him of the results. He is real close to a brother that I avoid, he is grouchy, mean & ugly to me, he also does the farming for mom & dad & makes a lot of money off them. So you would think he could have called him, but I didnt say for him to, which I should have. Then I did send my sister, who I am close to an e-mail, I don't have an e-mail for any of my other siblings. A few days after the appointment, I did call my youngest sister, who is close to the grouchy brother, she in turn calls the grouchy brother, who turns around & calls me & grouches to me because he wasn't informed first as he is the boss! I got upset with him, tried to tell him I had been sick, but he wasn't listening, told him I didn't have time for this kind of treatment & hung up on him. I turned around & called my parents & informed them that grouchy would be confronting them regarding the tests & my mom said "he treats us like that all the time, we just ignore him & we weren't going to tell any of them anything about the results!" I told mom "you didn't tell me not to tell the rest of them, so now they know, you should have told me the day of the appointment, if you didn't want me to share, after all I have shared all the appointment results, for years & years with the rest of them!" At that time, mom said "well you didn't do anything wrong!" The big problem now is, since that appointment, mom & dad got my nephew to mow for them & was real cross with me when I called to let them know what day I would be down to mow, saying he would be doing the mowing, what she didn't know was that was good news to us, but she treated it like I was being punished! Weeks later she was calling for us to mow! Mom has written my daughter, nasty letters regarding me, making up lies about me, claiming I was cheating on my husband, accused me of lying about my dad's test results, has told my sister whom I get along with nasty lies about me, both she & my daughter defended me, I have been excluded from birthday parties for the parents, all holidays, most recently mom & dad's 65th anniversary party. Three days before the party my mom calls me & says "yous are coming to the party, right?" I said what party! She starts reading one of the newspaper articles that had been printed in newspapers, claiming it was in all the papers, I had her tell me which ones, then said "we don't get those papers mom!" She then commented that "one person can't do it all!" I said "how did the rest of the brothers & sister get notified of the party," she said your sister called them I suppose, I said well I didn't get a call or an invite & I have plans now, in fact I am working, which I didn't tell her at that time, was so upset with her. So she then got mad at me claiming because one of my aunts was invited, that I should have known as I am close to that Aunt. It so happened my aunt had been out of town & she didn't know I wasn't invited! My sister that put the event on had even told my sister whom I get along with that they weren't inviting me. I am at my wits end on how to handle!

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NancyH Jun 2011
I'm sorry about this, it seems that your family has had some ongoing problems for quite sometime. Maybe it should be just you and hubby and your kids that oughta be rounding up the wagons and cut the others loose. Whatever is going on has been going on way too long for any of us to help much I'm afraid. Gotta protect your immediate family from harm. Including of course your mental and physical health. What will happen to your husband if something happens to you? He will be defenseless against the dysfunction won't he? Take care.
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M1953 Jun 2011
Dear NAHeaton: It seems like my siblings with the exception of one, want to side with my mom, saying I made up all this about dad's test results! What I don't understand is what are they thinking I would gain by lying about test results. Other than my one sister my siblings want nothing to do with me due to this crazy thing about dad's test results! I will think about making an attempt to talk to them, I just get so worked up when dealing with the rest of them & have developed such stomach problems from stress had to undergo several tests to find out what was wrong with me & found out it is just stress! You see the one I call grouchy, is kind of like the Hitler in the family. No one laughs at family events, unless he finds something funny. They treat him like he is God & they are all starved for his approval. He is the youngest boy in the family & don't understand why everyone seems to want to kiss his --------. If I had his approval, but I refuse to stoop to that level, then the rest would approve!
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NancyH Jun 2011
When you said that your mom kept interrupting the doctor that tells me she's got problems maybe with dementia or even the beginning of alzheimer's. If that's the case, then anything she does from here out I would be suspect of and NOT take too seriously. She's going to overreact, forget, change her mind regularly so what's the point of driving yourself crazy about the stuff that comes out of her mouth. In fact if it were me, I'd start keeping her out of the loop for the mundane things and you and/or your husband go directly to your siblings. Sounds like there's problems between you kids too, so that will be interesting. I hope you kids have got mom and dad's finances figured out at this point, cause once your dad gets too sick and your mom goes over the 'edge' so to speak, all or some of you are going to have to take action. Maybe it's time to round up the siblings (even grouchy) and talk between just you kids about the future. I can see many problems on the horizon for you'all, so you may as well bite the bullet now and know what's coming. But as for how your mom is treating you, just stay close to your siblings and it'll be fine.
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