Dad won't shower or change his diaper. What should I do?

My aunt has dementia and hasn't bathed on her own since moving in with me 3 years ago. She's 95 now. Very occasionally she lets me do a sponge bath, but mostly she "remembers" that she bathed this morning or argues that she used to bathe all the time. You have to pick your battles. I put her in respite care once a month. There is a caregiver there that has the knack for bathing her. By the time she starts to smell a bit ripe, it's time for respite care again. I give her a wet, warm washcloth every morning to clean her face and hands. I give her lotion to keep her skin supple. I hire a foot care nurse to do her toenails every month and check her skin integrity (even though I'm an RN, my aunt won't let me do it - she still sees me as a little kid). I make sure she changes her Depends at least twice or 3 times daily. No sores or rashes, so I guess this is good enough. She doesn't exactly smell like a rose, but she's tolerable. Life is too short to be battling with a dementia sufferer about baths. It's stressful on them too.

When my mom did this, I knew it was time to hire a nurses aid. I couldn't stand the smell and it wasn't healthy for her. I think it was a combination of not remembering to shower and being afraid of falling in there. Luckily, she didn't put up too much of a fuss having someone help her. The girl we hired is wonderful and my mom now looks forward to seeing her.

This happens with my dad also, plus he doesn't take his clothes off to go to bed! I think it may be depression

Sometimes an outside person is able to get around these obstacles. Does he have an aide, a nurse or someone who visits regularly? If not, having someone come in a few days a week may do him (and you!) wonders.

Definitely happened with my Dad, who is now in a NH, and now happening with Mom. A couple of things not knowing your situation. With Dad, he lost his sense of smell, so he couldn't smell how bad he smelled! I had to say, "I won't take you to church or anywhere unless you bathe." That worked for a while. He wouldn't change his Depends and stuff paper towels in his pants because he thought he was saving money, (something else to think about with that generation).

Now with Mom, she definitely has depression, sleeps all day and as for bathing, we'll she also can't smell herself and when I told her just yesterday, "you need to bathe," she said "I do?" She just forgot........

So I am on plan B and plan to hire home healthcare to come in one day a week to pick up the house and be with her while she bathes. Even if she says, "no" I'm just doing it. Yuck.....enough is enough!

Hope this is helpful.

-SS

@lizziebee, My mil is 93 and refused to shower/bath or change her adult panties also. We hired in home care to help assist but were not sucsessful at that time. When we placed her back into a care facility we then hired a caregiver, w/the specifics of getting and helping her to shower/bath in mind. While it took several starts and fails,2 months worthand many frustrated days, she is now getting one once a week...! We didn't think this would happen, but with dementia we learned that repetition is key to almost everything!!! Keep trying or hire an inhome care person, they are out there, it will help you help your dad as well. We asked at the care facility if they knew of someone who was kind gental but yet firm to assist in this area.They were very helpful. Good luck and Godbless......

My my... Had the same sort of thing going on with my mom.. Nothing worked. So my sister who is in remission, from cancer, took the time to help me. She comes over two days a week and gets my mom out of bed.. Mom bathes on her own, but doesn't know how hot to make the water.. But I always check it. Than we both wash moms hair at the sink when she is out of the tub.. Each of us standing on other side of her. We massage her scalp and take our time. Mom said yesterday, that she remembers our little hands, growing inside her belly. It was a very touching moment.. No matter what, your parents are yours... Enjoy every moment. Embrace it and turn the problem into a blessing of your life.

I had similar problems and had a home care attendant for my mother who has dementia. The problem was home care attendants are not allowed to force patients to physically do anything when a patient resists. If someone is hurt they can lose their license. My mother also lost her sense of smell. It was up to me. You may not like this, but I had to do something for her own good. I'd take a empty milk container filled with warm water and pour it over her. Because she didn't like being wet she was forced to disrobe and I could give her a sponge bath. This solved my problem of having to wrestle with her. At 93-years old, she is pretty strong and I did not want her or me to get hurt. Nursing home staff will tell you that patients can hurt them. I did this once a week for almost a month. Now when I tell her it's time to bath (sponge bath), she complains but does not physically fight me. Yes, I had to mop up water, but it was worth it. My mother was also stuffing toilet paper between her legs after she'd wiped herself instead of flushing it. She is capable of using the bathroom. For some reason she started urinating on the floor. That's when I began using Depends. I tell her that they are panties which I think helps her dignity or sense of normalcy. Each morning when she goes to the bathroom I tell her to throw the "panties" in the waste basket and then wash between her legs. This has worked for me. Maybe it will help someone else.

I am new to this site and do find it very helpful and information. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's this summer though I've noticed his decline for two years now. (his primary doctor told me "if it were me, I wouldn't want to know" so I didn't pursue treatment). He is on two medications but I am thinking that because we waited so long, maybe the drugs are not that helpful.
But the showering issue is something I have been battling over these past few years and I found it so frustrating as he was always such a clean, neat person. I do know that he thinks "I took a shower yesterday" and he does have a very low sense of smell. I am learning little "tricks" that sometimes work and sometimes do not. When he is in our bedroom and I'm asking him to shower, he will stand up, look out the window, sit on the bed, stand up look out the window sit on the bed... over and over. Now I sit myself on his side of the bed preventing him from doing that step (and hold on to his clothes) otherwise he would just dress himself without showering. Rather than arguing about him not shaving, I am doing that daily and he doesn't seem to mind. Another thing that amazes me as he was always just so proud of his appearance (he is 21 years older than me).
But reading all these responses does help to know that it all is part of this horrible disease (even though it does get discouraging know what I have to look forward to -- He is considered moderate at this time. So I am grateful that at least for now, he knows who he is, where he is an who we all are and so far is able to go to the bathroom himself. He is 84..
I'm not sure that I answered your question, but for myself, I find it helpful knowing that others are having the same problems...

My husband was the same way when it came to showering, shaving and changing into "street clothes" in the morning. I finally figured out that I was part of the problem...my expectations were not always consistent nor always simple and concise. I had placed a white board in the room he usually sat in. I was using it to write the current date, weather and upcoming events/appointments. Then I started taping up pictures of friends, neighbors and family with the appropriate labels. Then it dawned on me there was no schedule for routine daily activities. I put up a list of expectations (out of frustration) for the first 2 weeks it was only: 1. Get dressed 2. Eat breakfast. And it worked. Now he gets up, sits down in his chair across from the board, and drinks a cup of coffee as he reads/looks or asks me to read out loud the list on the board. Then he gets dressed and sits at the table waiting for his breakfast. I have now added a shower on Sunday and it has been three weeks now with no problems (with the shower part). Next week I will add another shower mid-week. The shaving is still an issue but one I can live with. I know this will probably not work for long...he was as frustrated, as much as I; trying to get use to not working anymore (he needs supervision 24/7) and we had few set routines. My husbands dementia is fairly pronounced; he asks the same questions over and over, does not consistently recognize family members or friends. He frequently cannot recall the names of objects or be clear about what he needs or wants. He has lost most of his safety skills. Sometimes he can read or write simple things like his name and the date and sometimes not. He was diagnosed with Binswanger's Disease in June of 2012 the disease was manifested by many mini-strokes deep in the white matter of his brain. My lesson was understanding that I was a BIG part of the problem. As he continues this hellacious downward spiral I hope I can step back and see how I might be contributing to the problem. Not my strong suit.....