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My husband has dementia, in assisted living, believes there's nothing wrong with him. He contacted an attorney to have me revoked as P.O.A. and appoint his brother as P.O.A. "for 24 hrs. and then he would be his own P.O.A." I have never heard of a "24 hr P.O.A. or being your own P.O.A." ????????????? After several discussions, talking with me, my attonrey and a hefty bill, the attorney told my husband it is in his best interest that I remain the P.O.A., and it would not make sense for his brother to be the P.O.A, since there has been no interaction between my husband and the bro., so the bro could hardly convince a judge that he could be the P.O.A. and the judge would not assign someone to be his P.O.A. knowing they would let him move out and be on his own in his condition, and the attorney told him there is nothing more he can do for him.

Now the brother and his wife (who has never gotten along with my husband (she and my husband actually have hated each other for many, many years) for the past several weeks have gone out of their way to spend many days each week with him, taking him out to eat or to their house, etc. Now, behind my back, from info that has been relayed to me from A.L., my husband was on the phone and said he "will need a tv and a table" and "and pick me up after lunch". The person he was talking to was his sister-in-law. I'm wondering if she's taking him to look at an apartment. I arrived (unexpectedly) right after lunch; at that time he got a call from his sister-in-law, told her she had the wrong #. I stayed for 3 hours. After the first hour, he said he had to go to the bathroom and behind my back called
SIL(that he hates) and said "she's still here, I'll call you when she leaves." I left after 3 hours and 15 min later he called her. Have no idea what was discussed. I know he has an appointment with another doc, (I need to take him to the doc, but he kept this appointment from me) he has no idea I know that, he's doing it behind my back. The appointment is routine, but he also requested to see a social worker and requested testing be done, since he believes there is nothing wrong with him, wants P.O.A. removed and wants to move out of AL.

My husband has turned his entire family against me and he is constantly plotting against me, while at the same time, I'm giving him spending money every week and doing anything I can for him and taking him anything he wants me to take to him, tells me he loves me, always wants to know when I'll be back. I'm there 3 or 4 times a week. I planned to be there on a weekend, his son was here from out of town, I planned to be there then and he told me not to come over until the next day (when he son would be gone).

He's been very pleasant to me recently, I suspected he was up to something; he has always been very dishonest, but now it's worse. I can't trust him. He's very good at making people believe there's absolutely nothing wrong with him. Can he fool a social worker or a doctor? I have documentation from his family doc who has known him for 25 years, stating he has dementia, cannot handle legal or financial matters. Should I sent that documentation to this other doctor before his appointment?

I have retained an attorney, but at this time, don't know if there is anything he can do for me, since this is all the info I have.

Would it be appropriate to have my attorney contact the bro and SIL, or would that just add fuel to the fire?

Don't know how much more I can take. I'm in tears all the time (my husband does not know this) and I don't sleep, I hate to get out of bed in the morning.

I told him I'd take him out to eat for thanksgiving and to a movie. He wants to eat and come back to our house to "watch tv"; I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to get him back to A.L. There'd be no one to help me since my family will be out of town that day. I was invited, but declined, I didn't think that would be fair to my husband.
I can't let my husband know I'm aware of all this, since he has no idea I have access to his call log on his phone and I've been given this info in confidence from A.L.

Please, please help, I'm at my wits end !!!!!!!!!!!

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Star, are you afraid that your sister-in-law is flirting and maybe messing around with your husband in order to get money? If that's the case, what is stopping you as POA from transferring the majority of money that he has into a different account to protect it? After that, I'd leave him the heck alone for awhile. Let him connive and plan whatever he's planning by his little old self, and take a mini vacation.
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You say he's always been very dishonest. His family hates you. Why do you stay with him and let all of this misery come down on you? Why don't you just divorce him? Spend the rest of your life doing what you want to do for yourself?
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Here are a few suggestions:
Talk to the people who are caring for him. Keep in touch with them and ask questions. Let them know that you are the primary contact and legally responsible for his care. Tell them that you appreciate his family's involvement but you need to be kept informed since he is vulnerable.
Get in touch with the bank. You do not need to go into details but let them know that they must get in touch with you if there are any withdrawals or any inquiries about the account. Make sure there is a note saying you have power of attorney and your signature is require.
If you are constantly crying then you need help too. Contact your Alzheimer's association and consult with them and get help for yourself if needed. If you belong to a Parish, talk to them. The assisted living center might have resources available to the family also.
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Star, one more thing, you should read this forum regarding caregiver burn out: https://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Burnout
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Star, first thing to remember is that you husband has dementia, and is in assisted living. Secondly, he most likely, from the sound of it, does not like the assisted living environment, so he will say and do most anything to get out of there, in my opinion, and according to your story. His brother is a conduit for his wish to get out of the assisted living situation. Have you discussed this coming and goings with the assisted living management? If not, you should. Thirdly, you should immediately file for conservatorship, if you can handle it, it seems there is a lot of stress involved, and probate court is not the greatest place, one has to put up with biased court investigators, and the probate judge, and any opposition from other family members, including the brother and his wife, because you would have to notify them, and others of your motion for guardianship. Whatever you do, think long and twice before getting a court appointed private guardian, they are costly, and can eat up all your husband's assets by charging hourly, and their attorney's get to charge also. You should contact your local caregiver alliance organization and get counseling there, and they can help you with referrals, and they can work with the assisted living management to possibly put some rules in place to protect your husband from outside influence.

This is not legal advice, only a personal opinion from someone who has taken care of a person with brain injury for over 10 years. One should always consult a licensed professional when in these types of sticky and stressful situations.
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star what a terrible situation for you to live with!!! My heart goes out to you! What do you want to have happen? Have you spoken with your attorney about getting an "emergency" guardianship? I might try that route first and that would make any POA that his brother can get, null and void. I have a feeling that if your husband doesn't have a large amount of hidden assets, once he is out on his own, bil and sil will leave him stranded and you will have to pick up the pieces. Have you asked his brother why they are doing this? If they have hated each other for so long, it sounds like they now believe whatever story your husband is telling them, so you might not get any cooperation from them at all. I just feel so badly for you and wish there was a simple solution. Please post updates.....I really want to know how this turns out for you....sending you hugs!
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