My mother recently made a new Durable Power of Attorney in the state of Alabama. Does this mean we have no medical poa for my mother?

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In the Power of Attorney, it gives my brother the ability to be her medical power of attorney. However, she also did a living will and excluded naming a medical directive or naming anyone to be her proxy.

My brother says the living will overrides the Durable Power of Attorney. So, mom basically doesn't have a medical power of attorney. Wouldn't name one. This was all done legally with an attorney.

My question is, does anyone know what the heck this really means? Does this mean we have no medical poa for my mother. The durable power of attorney give my brother the ability to place her in a nursing home, etc. etc.

Since I was not included in this process and no one discussed any of this with me, I have many questions. No one will talk to me about mom's care and mom and I have no relaitonship anymore over all of this.

To add insult to injury, she named me alternate on the durable power of attorney, however, they spelled my last name wrong.........I have only had this last name for 30 years. And my brother tells me she wanted my 28 years old nephew to be the alternate but he refused (not his resposibility, or so I was told).

Can anyone blame me for cutting ties with these people?

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
My mother doesn't spell my first name right -- and she gave it to me!

Cutting ties over who has POA seems pretty drastic. I wouldn't worry about whether anyone blames you. Just consider what is really best for you in the long run. You want to have a say in Mother's care, yet you are willing to severe all ties. Hmmm ...

Do whatever works for you. But try to think ahead to how this is going to play out next month and next year. Try not to react in haste in a way you'll regret later.
You might call an attorney in your area to get the definitions you need. As long as Mother is being taken care of, what does it matter whose name is on a piece of paper. There are no bragging rights in the care of elder parents.
Hi jeanne, I once remember you making the statement that responsibility without power was unfeasible. I remembered that statement because it applied to my situation with my mother and brother.

I have not cut ties over the POA. I have cut ties over a relationship that never existed. She was never there for me or my brother. I have cut ties over her running down my character. Why? Because I dared to tell her how much she had hurt me. She can't be wrong, ever. My brother even acknowledged this.

So, at the 11th hour, she refused to assign a medical power of attorney. I guess she thinks she will always have her wits and health. She will always be in control. God help us, I hope she does.

Thanks for your comments, I guess I am feeling pretty tense today. It is her 82nd birthday and I just can't bring myself to call her. Jeanne, it is very sad and there is no repairing it. I have done much research on mental illness and narcissistic behavior. And I truly believe I am dealing with both. So there is no solution for me. Just more pain if I choose to engage with her. Thanks again. You are always wise and kind.

I don't want anyone to think I cut ties over the POA. I guess my post was a little scattered. The POA is a symptom of much deeper issues. I was the one who pushed her to get these papers done. So she is angry toward me for doing this. So she is going to make damn well sure I get left out of the decisions making but, by George, I will do the butt wiping when the time comes. I was told as much by my brother. He indicated I could move her to my home or the nursing facility across the street from me and take care of her. Mind you, I have no power, which makes things pretty hard.

I guess the problem is a general lack of respect. I cut ties with mom because my brother was disrespecting me and I told her she needed to make things equal between us because he would take advantage (and he will) of me otherwise. She blew up and told me she was sick of me calling her and complaining, all I did was complain (now mind you she never calls me, hasn't been to my home in 13 years, doesn't seem to really love anyone) and that she thought my intentions were to give her a heart attack. So, I backed out. I am done. Haven't talked to her in two months.

My neighbor, who still lives across the street from Mom and who grew up with me, told me, "you need to forget these people, they are not nice to you. They think they are superior beings." She has know us all our lives.

So don't think the POA is the problem, it is just another insult to a lifetime of insults.
Top Answer
The doctors and hospital would make the decision on when to pull the plug, if no family is able, but if she is in a coma i am sure they would consult family as to avoid any legal issues with family. Property settlement you could take to court if you wanted and if not stay away, save yourself from family harm. It sounds like you are hurt and it sounds like being fair is not on the agenda, and that is hard to accept.
It sounds like you are considering what is best for you in the long run. Good! Distancing yourself from toxic relationships makes sense to me. I think you will have regrets no matter what you do -- regrets that you did not have a loving, nurturing mother and respectful siblings.

Good luck to you.
I understand completely. This last session with mother has left me drained and nauseated. It is not thaf this session as particularly worse than many others -though she told me several times that she never wanted to see me again, I think she is mad because I didn't leave a message for her at the hospital when she was in and out wthin 24 hours, and they nothing was found wrong again - maybe she reacted because I didn't immediately side with her saying that the hospital is wrong - so out of proportion, It is the accumulated hurt of a lifetime of emotional abuse, and I really don't want to take any more. I am pleased with the way I handled this last series of outbursts, but they have left me drained. No matter how well I handle her, I don't seem to be able to prevent myself from having some reaction. I am not sure it is possible to detach myself to that degree, as I do still care for her. It is sort of like caring for a wild beast, but knowing that any contact comes with danger.
I know you have wrested with this before, as have I. My prayers are with you.
((((((((hugs))))))) Joan
Friends, Yesterday was very difficult for me emotionally. No matter what mom has done, it still hurts. I sent her chocolates for her birthday and I did not call her. I just can't. Today I feel much better and stronger.

Thank you all for the understanding comments.

Madge - thank goodness it's Friday, really applies for you today!

I mean this sincerely, try to avoid beating yourself up on this. Get out, work in the yard, go to Tuesday Morning, take a class at the library, go for a walk or whatever to get them out of the forefront of your brain. I know it's hard, please try.

But if your state (AL) requires that the POA get entered to be legal, I'd go on-line and get a copy. My mom is in TX and TX doesn't require this. But we have a house in MS and MS law requires that POA's get filed at the courthouse, so I can go onto the Harrison County (or any other MS county) who has a website for on-line legal and get a copy of ANYBODY's POA, or property transfer or judgements, etc for a small fee. All public information. So see if that's the case for AL so you have a document you can download to have a hard copy in your hands.
Thank you igloo, I have a copy. that is how I know my name was misspelled. I pointed it out to my brother, he said he was not sure how to spell my last name. It is an Irish name, simple. Brother just can't spell. But, if I had been included in this process, I would have caught it. My daughter, who is an attorney, says it should be fine. It is in "good faith". Mom really wanted my nephew on this, so once again I would have been excluded. My brother just refused to go along with her.

You are right igloo, time to move on. I am a very lucky woman. I am retired, live in Florida and the beach beckons. Last week I saw a pod of dolphin swimming close to shore. It was amazing. Thank you

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