How do you get a senior to agree to a few hours of adult day care?

Asked by

I found an adult day care center that is willing to accept him. We took him there long enough for us to speak with the day care specialist, in the mean time my husbands father sat next to another gentleman that also has had a stroke, they got along well and my father in law promised to come back that following friday. Come friday my husband went in and told his dad to get up and get dressed so he could go visit with the gentleman again. My father in law refused and said he was not going to go back there EVER!!! We wanted to take him there to have some socialization in his life because he only sits in his chair at home barking orders at us and he told us to SHUT our damn mouths and do what he says. The adult day care was our last hope. We are losing our minds and our health is deteriorating quickly.

Answers 1 to 10 of 21
Telling your father he has to do something is not going to work. Asking your father to do something may work.

Why not have the facility call him and ask if he can help
Perhaps if he feels that he is needed he will be willing to go and see his new friend. We all need to have a purpose in life, perhaps this is all he will need to get him motivated. Be patient good things come to those that wait.
Top Answer
We had the same situation with my mother. We tried various venues of caregiving and she told them to all go home. She was restless and tried to move her furniture all around; would not wear a life bracelet, asked a friend to borrow the car (she didn't care WHAT the police or DMV thought--she knew better) ...and the list goes on. Her Dr. was not very helpful unfortunately in advising us. We finally found some help through a Geriatic Doctor and a Social Worker for the Aged. Both determined my mother was cognitively impaired after her stroke. She was not making good judgment calls, and we needed to intervene. We prayed and talked together as a family and decided the best place for her would be an AL w/limited supervision. She escaped twice and was miserable. She fell 3x's and the third time broke her back. Now mom is at a Conv./Rehab, and scoots around in her wheelchair. The wheelchair and her bed have alarms.Not the ideal situation, but we are at peace because we know she is safe. She greets and visits residents and staff...most days she is fairly content. Of course there are times she becomes restless again, but there are professionals who are there to help her. I am the only child and try to visit every other day, and we go on outings in the City Coach that will pick up her wheelchair. I would encourage you to get a Geriatic Dr.'s evaluation for your father, talk to a Social Worker and for you and a loved one to begin visiting skilled care rehab/conv. homes. It would probably be best for your father's and your physical, emotional and spiritual health. Please keep us updated. We have been there. If my mother was a humble person and would accept help we would have her at home. As it is, she does best with a professional team helping her and living in an environment with people her own age.
I feel your frustration! My Dad has never been social, and we can't get him to go anywhere...even though he is happy to see people if it "happens" to happen. He just doesn't remember that he liked it. Maybe try getting him to choose between two days to go ("Do you want to go on Tuesday or Wednesday?") and put it on the calendar in his room. Then, on that day, if he doesn't go, remind him he promised and that he needs to keep his promises, same as he expects you to. That could help.
The barking orders thing...that goes through me. It's awful. All I've found to deal with that is to say, "I won't deal with you in that mood" and walk out. It will be harder if he's in your living room (my Dad doesn't tend to hang out downstairs) but see if that helps. Swallowing it, or doing what they bark about, just teaches them it works,

Good luck!
JaneB I like your response to barking orders. "I'm not going to deal with you in the mood." I'm going to use this line. In the past I've just been silent on the phone. But a reply is even better- to reinforce that the barking is ineffective. Thank you!
JaneB I also like your response, as I have to do the same thing with my 85 year old mother. She lives alone, but I go there everyday. Somedays when I get there she is so miserable, everything I do is wrong, everything I pick up at the grocery store is the wrong thing, and she didn't take her pill or answer the phone because she wasn't in the "mood". I say, I'm going to leave now, and when I come back I hope you are in a better mood. It seems to work (for that one day anyway) Good luck, it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat.
i wish i knew!! maybe the answers you get will help both of us!! good luck
I took a few months, my Mom was the absolute worst and she is proof you can do it. I talked to the owner and she told me to call it a club and ask him to go to lunch there. We went to lunch, another day, breakfast, another day there for a haircut, once to play bingo, and then I started to bring knitting and we just sat as I introduced her to friends. Then I took her on days when they had a DJ and dancing, Singers, etc.I did this a LOT, then they asked my Mom to work there and she was thrilled! Could she work, no, but she thought she did and then it was called work. I continued to stay with her a couple of hours and then we went home. Then, one day I left for 15 mins, she was ok, then 30, then an hour, then 2 hours, then 4 hours... it worked. Slow and Steady wins the race, you being there until he feels comfortable works. Turns out most of them thought they worked there for all different reasons. Pretend you want to go too. Good Luck.
The work idea is a great one. Did the "club" give the residents actual chores? At my mother's SN they bring a pile of towels to the activity room every so often, and ask the residents if they want to help fold them. This also encourages socialization. Something difficult for the aged--they do not feel as productive. Another suggestion for my mother when she cannot sleep/gets restless--"well Mom, you can always pray for your us and your grandchildren--we can all use it!" :) We are so thankful for this site--thanks again!
Yes laundry is one and they dont want to share the job! LOL
ALso setting the tables and sweeping the floors or asking hem to watch the doors so no one leaves, etc. Some thought they were there for the book keeping and didnt even do it and funny thing, NO ONE ever asked for a check they told me! LOL
Hopeful, did you ever try the old lawrence Welk shows or music at night? They love it.

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support