What is a polite thing to say to people who want to visit an Alzheimer's patient, but I don't want them here?

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My husband cannot communicate, no speech, no head nodding yes or no. Relatives of his insist upon visitng so they can hug him, talk to him. He does not hug. He sits for a few minutes and then hes gone....to sleep, to watch tv. These are people whom he really never cared for when he had all his senses. He would tell me he really wanted nothing to do with them, never liked them, and would prefer no association with them. I do not care for them either. I do not want them in the house. I tell these people he would not know them anyway. What is a polite/nice way to tell them NO WAY, not gonna happen????

Answers 1 to 9 of 9
Top Answer
"It is so kind of you to want to visit. I truly appreciate the thought. Carl is not up to accpeting visitors at this time."
Hmm...didn't see the original post actually name the husband as "Carl"....perhaps you both know each other. Anyway.....

Jeanne's answer is a very good one and I would certainly try that. However, don't be surprised if it takes a little more emphasis. Some people just do not / cannot hear the true message when politeness is being used. Maybe giving them another *something* they can DO, instead of visit, such as asking them to please send him nice cards to enjoy? It sounds as if there were no real feelings between your husband and these family members before, and it is natural to wonder why NOW they seem to be making their presence known. Are you concerned that they may be "after something"? It has been my experience that if you want to find out who your REAL family and friends are.....asking them to HELP DO things usually separates them out pretty quickly. I don't know how much, if any, outside help you get with the caretaking of your husband, but if these are family members that *really* care, you may be able to use the help. If not, and they just want to continue "visiting", but are not interested in being of any real help to you.......don't hesitate to send them along on their merry way.....even if you have to be a little UNpolite about it. Folks that have not had the experience of full time caretaking simply do not understand that caregivers simply do not have the luxury of wasting time on things that are not directly helpful to their patient or themselves. Don't mean to sound unfeeling....I've just been there.

This was the kind answer that my friend said to me:
Your friendship meant so much to Mother when she could remember people. I would prefer that you remember her as she was. It is difficult for her to struggle to remember and to feel sad that she cannot. Please feel free to write a card that we can share together if you wish. ( Personally I think a lot of people are afraid this may happen to them, and they are curiousity seekers. ) For me, I wanted to know if she still remembered me, as we were very close, and to say "see you later", and have closure. I waited until her funeral, and was sure to attend then and comfort her family, and donate to the Alzheimer's association. That could even be done at this point in time if people really wish to be helpful.
I usually just tell them that with the dementia, it is confusing and stressful to have visitors. Now is not a good time. Thanks for the thought and I will give him your regards!
Recently a friend wanted to call another friend to say hello. I care for you, etc. But the friend she wanted to speak with no longer remembered who she was. She might have in person, but not over the phone. I suggested she write a short note and include a photo of them together or just one of herself. If she called I advised her to spend time recalling the things they did together and not expect much reply. The important thing was not to stress our forgetful friend by expecting her to remember but to express the caring and love.
If your Loved one is not interested and never has cared for these people then the suggestions given are great. Sometimes, well, maybe these relatives have always liked your love one and are genuine about want to see him but bottom line is no one should be forced on him; it seems he might not be in a position to defend himself; when we do have our wits we can not answer the door or phone etc etc and keep people away...so i guess you have to respect his wishes
If this is in your home just be straight forward and tell them this isn't a good time. I am dealing with a dad who has dementia, some days he knows me nd calls me sugar like he always did and then there are other days he just stares at me. It can be very confusing for the one itch dementia. If these people were not close before then they're probably looking for something.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Its just that some people call and say the same thing over and over...that they want to sit and talk to him, and hug him and have lunch with him. He cannot talk, he sits here for a few minutes and then he leaves. I tell these people that, and I tell them over and over and over. And every month or two when they call, it is the same thing. Are they not listening? Maybe they dont WANT to listen. My husband makes noises, he doesn't sit with ME and eat his dinner/lunch/breakfast. I dont understand why people do not believe what I am telling them. And to drive 2 or 4 hours one way to get here? They are so silly.
Maybe those friends r in denial that he has dementia? either way they should respect both y'all wishes.

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