How can I get away without my mom when she won't go to respite care or to a relative's?

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Mom wants to be with me 24/7 and is fantastic at the guilt thing. She doesn't want me going anywhere without her (she lives with me), doesn't want to spend her money on help. I want my life with my husband back but she just doesn't understand. She says she does and then is VERY upset if we go anywhere without her. I honestly can't stand this anymore. She's very controlling yet has alzheimers. Sometimes I just wish it would get worse so she didn't even know me anymore and I could put her in a nursing home. Right now I can't as it's her biggest fear. I'm tired (work fulltime and take care of my disabled hubby) but I want private time with him. Even going to the movies makes her unhappy being alone for 2 hours. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and no one in the family even calls anymore. I'm very very alone other than hubby and he's had it too with her making me feel guilty and sad. My depression is very bad right now but i can't even find time for a psychologist to go to. Not a free minute in my day. HELP

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Top Answer
Main thing to remember is that you are not going to get her to understand or empathize with you. She has dementia. Remember the letters ARE: Never Argue, Reason, or Explain to a person with dementia. You can't make deals with someone with dementia, you can't remind them about anything. They live in a different reality than yours, one that is as totally real to them as yours is to you. That said, those of us who work/live with those suffering from dementia also have noted that they can be controlling, manipulative, and cunning. Your first duty is to yourself and you sound like you're on the ragged edge. My advice, as a nurse in the field, is to make arrangements to have someone sit with her. Contact an agency with experience dealing with Alzheimers patients - and really grill them. Ask them what their caregivers do if your mother says this or that, or acts out, or whatever. If their answers make you feel better, then hire one for a short time and go do whatever. If there is an adult day care in your town, talk with someone there. You cannot be held hostage to someone else's disease, especially if it makes you feel resentful, angry, and exhausted. What good would you be to her then?
Actually, I DISAGREE with the advice that you must get her to understand anything. That would require a personality transplant on her end. I'd say that the option here is for YOU to understand that she will not be happy no matter what, and then step back and grab what time and peace you can create, until she is in full-time care elsewhere. Also, be clear to yourself about what you want refuge from: Time spent taking care of others, or time away from her complaining (or both). You won't get time from her complaining until she is incapable of it. There are some terrific techniques for taking the "sting" out of emotional encounters in the realm of "energy psychology" and they are do-it-yourself techniques. Google things like EFT, or Tapas Acupressure Technique, or Be Set Free Fast, and see how easy they are. Then maybe you can get relief while she still lives with you. I'd go nuts without them.

Good luck to you!
How did you get away from your child when she refused to stay with a babysitter? Well, she didn't really get to refuse, did she? You did what was best, and she had to learn to cope with it.

How can your mother refuse to let you go out? Other people can buy you tickets for a guilt trip, but you are in control of whether to go or not. Or you should be. If you need help with that, see a counselor. See a counselor even if Mother doesn't want you to be gone regularly.

If she really needs 24/7 care, she is in the wrong place. She needs a placement where they have a night shift, and enough staff to spell each other for breaks. If she is well enough to live in your home, she needs to be able to stay on her own for reasonable periods. If this isn't possible, then she needs either to go somewhere else or to pay for assistance to come into the home.

What is she saving her money for? Has Alz made her forget we can't take it with us?

Maybe dementia has made her incapable of making decisions in her own best interest. Just as your daughter could pick out what to where to kindergarten but not do the menu planning at 5, there may be some decisions you have to take over for your mother, for her sake.

Figure out the boundaries. Lay it out for Mom in terms she can understand. Here is how we can keep you here with us: 1, 2, 3. Spell out the help that has to be available. Spell out your expectation to be able to go out, by yourself, and with your husband. Tell her what has to happen financially. Repeat as necessary. Be firm and kind.

You don't have to wait until she doesn't know you to place her in a long term care facility. Try keeping her with you with some in-home help and some boundaries, while you are getting some counselling. Work at it. And know that if you can't make it work there are alternatives. Really.
I agree I had to tell my husband-when he needed to be placed and he said no just as he had about going to adult day care-it is not your decision to make-just as you can not give into a child that is being unreasonable. I found that any small change that I made gave me courage. When my husband was mean to me when visiting him in rehab I learned to leave-not just go down the hall for a spell and when he was nasty to me on the phone I would not go to see him for a few days-he finally got it that I would not stand for his treating me badly. After a while it gets easier to take a stand. Tell her you are going to do things without her and if she will not go places without you-you are still going out without her.
I haven't any idea what the answer for you is. I am in the same situation. I sit at my computer typing waiting for my mom to wake up and call me, "Deb". As I hear that sound of my name, something inside of me cringes! If I don't respond quickly I'll hear the sound of her trying to get up ( she is unable to walk), that's when she usually falls and ends up in the hospital with fractured hips, dislocated hips, etc. I am unable to go to the bathroom without her looking for me. The doctors, have expressed concern about my overall health lately. They say it is beginning to show. Like you, my mother's biggest fear is going to a nursing home. If I could just get more help! Sometimes I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I cry alot. My mom and I live together in a house that we share the rent in. My only sister lives 3000 miles away, and shows no interest in helping out. She doesn't even call anymore. If you find a relief please share it with me. Also, know that my heart understands what you are going through, and although I don't know the answers; maybe it will help just knowing that you are not alone. hang in there
I must say I don't feel your comments are very fair or respectful.. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I do not think we should stand as it were in judgement of someone else's feelings...
I just wanted to say that I hear you ... I hear your pain ... I hear your frustration ... I hear your guilt ... and again, I hear your pain. You have been heard ... and it is OK to feel that way about your mom.

I am in the exact same place as you with my Mom ... I'm at my wits end as well ... and I'm on my own with dealing with her. I know that I have to find a way to have some time to myself WITHOUT the guilt from her affecting me ... I'm just beginning to think about how to do that too.

No advice here ... just great big ears that hear your cry.
You must find a way to get her to understand you cannot be with her all the time. You deserve time for yourself. As another answer stated, be firm but kind. I wish that approach would work for my elderly problem, though. But you absolutely do need time alone with yourself and your husband. It's absolutely necessary, for your health and peace of mind, for you to get your mother to understand that.
It's easy to give advice, I know, when it's not in your lap! But I do understand how valuable the time you spend with your husband can be, and you need that for yourself. You'll be making the right decision when you are seeking a balanced approach to loving and caring for your mom. If the scale tips too far in her direction, you yourself are off balance, and it hurts both you and your family when mom gets the lion's share of resources, care, and attention.
Do you have a relative close by that will keep her company for a few hours? In that way you are very blessed.

B, you just have to put your foot down. My dad died a year ago yesterday and he catered to every sneeze my mom had. She was spoiled rotten. I'm thankful that the hospice people pointed that out to me, otherwise I would be living a guilt ridden life.

Sometimes, it just takes a person from the outside to see how you live. That's what changed it for me.

Tough love kiddo. Tell your mom you're dying inside because you're not present in life. Do you really want that for me mom?!

Is assisted living a possibility? You sound like where I was six months ago. My life was miserable when my mom lived with us. I don't know where I found the courage to get her into AL, but I did. I thank my dad for my strength with her actually. :)
tenderrose, you haven't filled your profile out. Who are you caring for? What is his or her condition?

Wanting to figure out how to get some time to oneself is not dwelling on the negative. Trying to balance the conflicting needs of two loved ones is not about me, me, me.

I hope you didn't mean to, but you certainly came across as very judgmental. Where is the love in that?

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