How do you deal with resentment of your sibling who is in control of everything for your parent and doesn't include you on any decisions?

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Mom is in assisted living and taken care of well.

Sibling has healthcare POA and financial POA but declared bankruptcy and has gotten money from Mom over the years, $10000 one time, and never paid her pack. I know it's Mom's money and she can do what she chooses with it, even if she does have beginning dementia. Sibling convinced Mom to give her control over everything, and sibling has always been a private person and works 'alone' and does not include either my other sibling nor I on decisions.

Answers 1 to 5 of 5
First of all asst living is certainly NOT cheap, so is mom being protected in that regard so that she'll have enough money to continue to live there? Secondly, how did this sibling come to have all the responsibility and none of you'all have anything to say about it? As soon as someone has a different agenda than helping mom for just the sake of helping, then it's time to step up and ask some questions. It's probably not going to be possible to NOT get your sibling in defensive mode, but get your brother/sister on the same page as you and
do something. I don't know what your mom's mental health is like now, but if she's able to understand what's going on then you've got to decide what to tell her. Some parents like to be included in their own financial affairs, some don't care. Soon it'll be too late to tell her anything cause she won't remember it anyhow.
To the best of my knowledge she has enough nestegg right now for a while, unless it starts disappearing she should be okay for about 10 yrs is our guesstimate.

Sibling has always been able to manipulate Mom and make her feel sorry for her for whatever trials she's going through in life, and how to get sympathy from Mom. After our Dad passed years ago, it just got worse. The worse luck my sibling has, the more pity my Mom feels for her and Mom told me 'SHE NEEDS me'. Whereas my elder sibling and I have never had to run to Mom for help and have just been able to enjoy our time/relationship with her. Mom still does NOT understand how hurt my older sibling and I were that she didn't give us ANY legal authority, NO legal voice by turning everything over to our sibling. She said she just wanted to 'make it simple'. We did ask questions at first and had family meetings, but nothing came of it. Mom doesn't understand all of what is in those legal documents. Mom's POA had a clause that she WAIVED the POA's responsibility by our state law that the POA had to report financial statements/recordings on how her accounts are handled. So legally sibling doesn't have to tell ANYONE squat.
Well that stinks doesn't it. It never ceases to amaze me that as soon as there's money involved, the gloves come off and it's a big fat problem. I wonder what your mom would say if you asked her what dad would say about this sibling... Was he the one that put the brakes on with this sister, or did he also fall prey? Can mom be de-programed do you think if you got her away for a few days?
NoVoice - My mom doesn't have any money other than what is in her checking account but she has listed my brother on the account although he lives in a different state, rarely calls, and hasn't seen her in six years. He couldn't care less about her while my husband and I move her to our town, pay her cable, buy her groceries, take her to doctor's appts., and do EVERYTHING necessary to keep her living in her own apt. She is now delusional, paranoid, and has told the caregivers we are paying for that we are trying to kill her, that we are stealing from her, and all kinds of lies while she talks about her son as if he walks on water. So what I'm getting at is many parents have a favorite and it has nothing to do with you and what you do or won't do for them. The bottom line is that as long as your mother is legally competent and she has designated POA to your sibling there is nothing you can do. Even if you went to the trouble and expense of hiring an attorney to challenge, it's highly unlikely you could get a judge to rule in your favor since she has the right to delegate POA to anyone she chooses. I thank God my mom doesn't have any money because I know my brother would take every dime and leave me with nothing.
Top Answer
Coming from a family with 8 siblings and having been on both sides of the fence - like anything in life, if it's out of your control let it go. As hard as it is thinking about it will eat you up and take away from the time you have with your mom. Moms feel the need to be needed (your sister's role) but also like being comforted by their children (your and your other sibling's role). As hard as it is (and trust me I've experienced this difficulty) try to concentrate on the good....the fact that your mom is still with you and she has financial stability for about 10 years. "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are" Ralph Emerson

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