How are you remembering your Mother for Mother's DAy 2010?

I have decided to honor my mother's memory this year by planting a Forget-Me-Not in my garden. Each time I see it I can think of the mother of my childhood and the day long ago when she planted the same flower in her garden-a gift from me. I can think of all the gifts she gave me over the years and of the mother she became in later life. I can remember her as she was.

What ways have you found to cope with the holidays that remind us so much of our loss?

Blogging has helped me to cope day to day but this holiday is very difficult for me-my first as a motherless child.

Answers 1 to 10 of 29
Mother's Day has always been a hard one for me, as I didn't have a loving mother. She was and is the most difficult person I've ever had to deal with. Picking out cards was always hard, because the lovely verses just didn't fit. Mom was mean, and didn't communicate much with us, except to complain or demand something, period. This year, I probably won't do anything, because the past year was very destructive to us, due to her complaints, accusations, and actions. It's very sad. I will just relish the love of my little boy, and thank God for him, and for my ailing dad.
SS, ditto that. I always dreaded having to buy mom a card because I never found a card that read "thanks for all the verbal abuse, the backhanded compliments, the demands, the ridicule, I loved how you made me feel like I was worthless, and yes, it was so nice of you to constantly compare me with my sister, you know, the one who comes to visit you every 3-4 yrs". I've looked lately but couldn't find a card that read "Happy Mother's Day to the mom who recently disowned me, revoked my POA and accused me of stealing". Must not be a run on those type of cards, thank God. This mother's day I will be honored by my adult son and his 8yr old daughter and my daughter and her 9 mo old son. Wonderful, loving kids who never heard from their mother the words I heard from mine. Bless you SS. You and I broke the cycle.
Amen, Sis! You know, I am tempted to send just that kind of card to my mom, but she wouldn't understand, and I don't want to be a brat, even though she thinks I am. Punished for doing well. Now that's something to honor! Glad God sees things differently. Bless you, too, Always. Unless a daughter had an abusive mother, they wouldn't understand. Funny how our moms can convince other moms that they are the victims. Ever notice that?
I guess I pay my mom back by loving on my son. I just don't want him to have to grow up the way I did! You know what I mean.
Hi Ladies,
I cried when I read these posts. And I do, truly mean I cried. SS, it reminded me of when I was a child and watched the abuse that my best friend (I was 9 and she was 7) suffered through. Back then, there was no such a thing as reporting the abuse of children. Parents were given the open door to treat them as they wished. As we grew older, she and I would tell each other we were Sisters. Through the years of our growing up, (even at that young age), each day when we were dropped off by the school bus, I would run into my home, hug Mom and drop my books and head next door to my friend's house. Mom had told me. I would go over and help my friend with whatever she had to do each afternoon in cleaning the house and by the age of 9, she could cook as well as an adult, so I learned early to cook and helped her as much as I could. Anything to prevent her being beat with a belt. It was horrifying to watch it, as I only saw it done twice but it did not mean I did not know what was going on if I were standing outside and I heard any of the five children next door screaming. The parents were in their 30's; they were well and seemed mentally stable. Who is to know what makes some parents do what they have and are doing to their children.... Who is to know really, what kind of suffering or torment they may have endured in their own childhood days. You very rarely hear of the older generation coming forth with the stories 'that they could tell'. For some reason, they have buried them but carelessly carry it on over to the next generation. Thank the Lord, Yes! You two have broken the cycle. I do pray that you will find it in your hearts to forgive them for anything they may have done to hurt you because your forgiving them 100%, from the heart will be the only way you can let go of the pain, the wanting to hate feelings that your heart holds. I write from experience. My father was an alcoholic. 5 days a week, he worked hard. On Friday night and through until Sunday afternoon, he was so intoxicated he did not know where he was most of the time. I grew up in that environment where my Mom was mine and my siblings Angel and protector, along with the Lord holding the reigns of life for Mom. I prayed throughout my childhood for God to make him stop and one night, it ended. There was a wreck. For three months he lay in a coma. When he woke, he could not remember from the wreck and back in time. He rememberd nothing. Not our names, who he was, nothing. As none of his past memory came back, it still seemed as if he was 'the good side of our Daddy' - the one we saw on weeknights when he wasn't drinking - he learned over time who we all were and when he came home to us, he was different: this time holding a Bible. And until the day he died from cancer in the brainstem, he prayed every day that when he left this world he would live in Heaven with the Lord. There were alot and I mean, alot of bad times when he was drinking; the things I saw as a child but I believe God can heal all wounds and he can replace the wounds with the balm of His love which will bring your own spirit into His place of being - Where God wants you to be.
What to choose for Mother's Day or not? ..... Maybe something that I do may bring you a good idea, or thoughts on something even better. From the day I put her in the nursing home, I started her a collection of cross/crucifix's which hang on her walls, on her bulletin board along with beautifully colored poetry which can be read by the staff. I feel the crosses give Mom a sense of the Lord near her even though she may not pray any longer within her mental state of being. It gives them something to think about so that they are reminded that God is close and is caring for them. I do believe it brings a calmness to her.
Thank you both for writing those posts; it took courage, I know to share those things which courage is what you gave me when I wrote you about my Dad. You are both in my prayers and I wish you both a blessed and wonderful Happy Mother's Day. ~~ Madison
I went out and got myself a beautiful hanging basket with orange and pink geraniums in it. Then I told my husband that's what he got me for mother's day, and that he had really good taste. He was happy not to have to go shopping. Win Win!!
Top Answer
SS:

As a young child, the Boogeyman had my birth mother's face on it. ... When my parents divorced, I moved to western Brazil with my Dad and was raised by his mother (Cunda) and sometimes supervised by his four concubines. Over time, Cunda's TLC overrode those nasty childhood memories I brought from NY.

Cunda, who's turning 104 in September, only asked for a kiss at sunrise and one before going to bed. She never asked for anything else, except that we grew up to become decent, self-reliant, productive human beings. ... All 19 did just that. We honor her every day of the year (a little white rose every time we visit, a phone call to ask for one of those Old World recipes, a brief letter to let her know we're okay. To us Mother's Day isn't a yearly event. It's a timeless day that began when we first felt her love.

To me, Cunda is the only mother I've ever known.
Madison, I know that we (Believers) are commanded to forgive, and I say I have. The problem is, the abuse is ongoing. My dad lies in a nursing home, and mom is causing trouble there every time she visits. I have forgiven dad, and the Lord took my anger away. I now feel such a love and compassion for him that I never felt before. As his legal guardian (mom had a guardian, too), I am dad's advocate, and sometimes have to oppose things my mom does that are not in his best interests. While he was still in their home, she was very neglectful and even abusive to him, so I am extremely protective, because with his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, he cannot defend himself, or even speak up for himself. But it makes it clear (in non-verbal ways) that she causes problems for him. This has been documented. It's not that I don't forgive, but I get to practice it 70 X 7, in that it's ongoing. I pray for peace for dad and me, but she won't give it. Distance is my coping mechanism. My God-given longing for a relationship with my mother only serves to remind me how bad things are, and I choose to protect myself from further hurt by ignoring the impulses to be involved with her. It is very painful. Forgiveness alone won't solve it. Her mental illness is the problem, and it's not healthy for me to be around her.

But, when my father and mother forsake me, the Lord shall take me up. God gave me an adoptive mother; a dear lady from church, who has loved me for 10 years now, like one of her own. I know the difference between a loving mother, and my birth mom. Forgiveness alone won't bridge that gap. I'm just thankful that God graced me with the real thing, and someone to show me how to be a loving mother to my little boy. That's what I focus on.

Thanks for sharing your story, Madison. I grew up in an alcoholic home, too. Mom was also addicted to prescription narcotic pain medications. Needless to say, Mother's Day has never been my favorite holiday.

Thanks for your story, and comments Ed. Thank God for the Cundas! She's 104? What a life!

For those of you who had good mothers, I wish you and your moms a blessed Mother's Day! I am praying for those of you who are grieving the loss of a mom who passed.

SSister, I read you 'about an hour ago' and your words were read with all my heart; I want you to know this. To be honest, after reading your post I think I fell into a well of thought. I believe there are many of us, SS, that can go on with our lives, succeed and live relatively happy lives after growing up in any sadness or trauma inflicted childhoods but the healthiest thing I can see is being open about it. To accept what was,
to take it and change the bad to good for this next generation, just as you are doing for your little boy. Nothing will ever change what has happened in the past; to grow from it and being better than it is a blessing to all who achieve making the change. Your little boy thanks you each day of his life, by his smile, by his trust in you, by his love for you but I thank you for being such a wonderful Mother to him. The world certainly needs more good Mothers for there are children in this world who are not so blessed.
SSister, I do not know know or claim to know all that is wrong with your Mother. I know you posted that she has mental illness. May I ask a personal question and share something at the same time with you?
Has she seen a neurologist? The reason I ask this (and you probably already know this) is because a neurologist can diagnose and rule in or rule out so many more things than a family doctor can. Due to my Mom being diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in the Spring of 2008, Mom underwent only one week of chemo which was so strong that it left her deathly ill. It not only knocked her whole system out of line, it knocked her on into a very heavy state of dementia. For the first time in my life, I viewed my dear Mother as someone I did not know. I viewed a mean streak that really showed more paranoia than being mean. The odd thing was she held nothing back in aiming the gun of meaness toward others but with me, she was always gentle. This went against me in a round about way because it made my family not want to be around her and they were jealous because she did not do it to me. I have no answers at all as to why she did not show anger towards me. It will always be a mystery. Anyway, her Oncologist pulled in a neurosurgeon who ran all the brain tests, etc. and yes, he could see the dementia but he prescribed her two drugs: Aricept for memory and Abilify for her moods. And they worked. Aricept, as the neur. told us is a drug that is being studied and thought to be one that anyone who is between 55 to 60 years or older should begin taking it. He went on to explain that studies showed that if people, especially people who have mental illness in their family, took it that it would help them keep their memory longer, thus people would not suffer from dementias as early as they normally would, therefore they would have the chance of staying out of nursing homes for a longer length of time. It made sense as we listened to him. Once Mom started taking it, it took almost a week for it to begin working and they told us it could be as long as 14 days before we may see the effects of it. The Abilify toned her. It is a wonderful drug, especially for the elderly; #1 - it is a safe one and when I say 'tone', I mean just that. She was not drugged up. She was not dragging. She was 'just so normal' and it was a beautiful sight to see her like this from where she had just been in an upsetting state of mind. SS, I just wanted to tell you about these two medications. You may already know about them; she may have already tried them. When those two drugs do not work though, there is something else out there to try. Mom's doctors learned from me that I am a hard basketball to bounce. It is so hard for me to take 'No' as an answer. When she has been sick and it doesn't look like they're coming up with anything, that is when I've told them to start looking--- with this whole wide world full of the technology and the medical findings it holds, do not tell me you've looked under every stone.
People get tired and worn out from the caregiving; as one person posted days ago, she felt like she was in a haze. That 'haze' is for real and it can keep one from thinking sensible thoughts. When I pray again, I am thanking the Lord for your adoptive Mother. Praising Him for sending her to you, SS. I have a sister. I talk with her every other day but she does not know me. She does not care for me nor our Mom. To get close to either of us would make her 'involved' and that she will not do because she has never wanted to have anything to do with caring for Mom. How sad for her, and I've told her so because there are so many things she is missing.
I have one more thing for you, SS and for anyone else out there who needs this. I won't go into explaining anything for I've made this post long enough already (sorry folks for taking extra space) but please visit the author, Stormie Omartian's website and when the main page comes up, click on About Stormie.
SS, I think you're going to be okay with me sending you this web address. May the Lord Jesus just hold you close to Him and may He give you a hug for me. You are in my prayers dear one.
~ madison
Madison, you're a wise and caring person. When I read about your neighbor friend and your father, I thought my mean mom is nothing compared to what you've been through and my heart goes out to you for what you saw in your childhood. Abuse is abuse no matter how it is meted out. The damage can be long lasting, if not forever.
Every time I try to "get over it", here she comes again, just like SS's mom. I had a father who thought I hung the moon so I knew what love felt like and mom didn't show any love. I was bewildered for many yrs then it turned to dislike, distrust and disgust . . . fast forward to entering my senior yrs and it's STILL going on. I've been there for her since dad died but it wasn't good enough so she chose her paid caregiver over me and my kids. How do you think it felt to sit in her home, exhausted from caring for her,while holding down a job, family, etc and she says to me and my son that she's decided her caregiver is going to take over, we're no longer needed? At least I had a witness.
Except to be hateful, why would she go to a lawyer to revoke my POA? I wasn't even her primary POA, my son was. She said I stole financial papers(I did not) yet I just found out by accident that I'm still on her joint banking acct. All of this is pure meaness. I thought it was going to come to an end with the revocation but more stuff is surfacing. I can keep on forgiving but I can't forget because she won't let me. Call me terrible but when it comes to mom, I can't keep taking this garbage with a smile, I'm tired of a lifetime of it and I just don't want to anymore. I have a good life, I love my family, my job, my friends, everything is good or at least tolerable and then there's mom . . .
I wish all of you a very Happy Mother's Day! If you have a loving mother, you are very blessed.

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