I can't help but feel relieved that my mother has passed away. How can I cope with feeling guilty about that?

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We buried my mom last week. Horrible and sad. But I am feeling guilty about the certain amount of relief I feel. You can't win.

Answers 1 to 7 of 7
i am caring for my mother-in-law and dad just passed away on dec. 14. mom wimpers and sighs so much. I don't know what to do to help her...She won't sleep for more than an hour at nite. Our doctor gave me ativan but she is so out of it on those meds it scares me. During the day I try to distract her or involve her in some activity but have a hard time keeping her attention. any suggestions?
My mom is still with us but I was just saying to a friend that I am not sure if it would be better on her if this struggle was over. It is not that we mind caring for her and we will continue to care for her as long as she is on this Earth, but I understand what you are feeling. There will be some relief in more than one way when she passes..she will be in a better place, and we will be able to breath a bit .😇
Its one of the toughest experiences in the world caring for an elderly parent. Watching our parents suffer mentally and physically from aging. Its not easy. And you are so right, we just cannot win. I would consider talking with a counselor or therapist or joining a support group to work out your feelings.
wadingray, what you feel is actually normal. When someone has been suffering a long time, we can feel relief when they die. It is usually a mix of grief with relief and feeling guilty because we feel relieved.
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wadingray, so sorry for your loss. But that relief mixed with your sorrow is so normal, it comes from the dying process not being any worse than it was so that anxiety is now released for one thing! And maybe from and end to suffering and declining. which you had no idea now bad it might have gotten had it gone on. And yes, it comes from having the burden of care lifted, but that is not altogether selfish, just reality! You would have cared for her longer if it could have kept her alive longer, but in the end all we can do will not keep them here forever. And she now has the best possible life that could never have been on earth...

When I lost my mom I needed to debrief more than I had the chance to, even though I went to the hospice grief group. If it will help, unload on us. Sometimes I think only fellow caregivers who have been through it fully understand how normal that feeling of relief is and would never condemn you for feeling it.
Keep as busy as possible. I found that the more quiet time I had, the more I dwelled on it. I wish someone had dragged me out of the house and forced me to walk or jog each day. Exercising really does help because our cortisol hormone level is at its highest in the morning. This is a "fight or flight" hormone that drives us to get up in the morning and get going. So if you're not doing much, that stress hormone level stays up all day and it isn't good. By exercising in the morning, you break down that cortisol level and begin to feel better and sleep better.
Dear Wadingray,....I personally don't think that you are a terrible person for feeling guilty about Mom's passing. I feel that way now, but my Mom is still alive with dementia at 93. Alive, but not living. My Dad passed away from complications of Alzheimer's at 63. He had it for more than 10 years. When he died and we had the viewing of the body, people were surprised to hear all laughter from the room that we were in. It is a relief!! And, in all reality....what kind of living were they doing? I believe it is a win-win situation. And all, then, is right with the world.

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