Are there are others out there who are raising kids and parents?

Yes, I am in the same situation you're in. My youngest is 12 and I have a college son, who drives me crazy at times. I'm now raising my nephew who is 6 yrs old. I am caring for my 76 year old mother.

I am so overwhelmed and don't know how much longer I can keep this up. My mother lives in her own home and cannot cook for herself or really groom herself. I am over her house twice a day (before work and after work). My siblings do not help out, but just cause confusion.

They call this a sandwich generation (rasing your children on top of caring for a senior parent).

I also am there. I have a 13 yr old and a 17 yr old. My mother does not live with us (thank goodness), but is difficult and lazy and expects me to do everyting for her. She lives in an independant living facility, so does get her meals, but needs a supply at home too. So I do the grocery shopping. There is a laundry room, but she refuses to take her laundry there, so I do her laundry. There is abus to take them shopping and to doctors appts., but she refuses to do it, so I do...She calls a dozen times a day and complains when I am too busy to come rushing over. If I say I'm doing something with or for my kids, she gets jealouse and tells me what a terrible daughter I am because "she should come first!"
It is not a pretty picture and we "sandwich" generation kids have a tough row to hoe.

Here's my story.... and I am so there with you two! My mom passed away three years ago and all my dad would say was, "Who is gonna take care of me now?" and I knew the row ahead was gonna be a tough one to hoe... Two years later almost to the day of her passing, I had to put my dad in a nursing home... I would not put up with his verbal abuse nor would I let my kids (10 and 6) be around him. He's lazy and likes to be waited on and to criticize... My kids come first! He is incontinent and no longer has any muscle tone. He has basically sat too long. He fell, ended up in hospital, and went to nursing home for rehab but liked it so well and wouldn't do therapy!

I am praying for both of you, dstock and nina! It's not easy, I know...! The guilt, the worry, the lack of help from family... don't get me started!

I am taking care of my 75 year old Mother who has cortical basal degeneration. I am also taking care of my two Grandsons. I have continued to work, but my Mom has become increasingly needy and rebellious. I can certainly sympathize with anyone in this situation. I am finding out how hard it is to deal with my Mom, and it is inevitable she will need to go into a nursing home. Unfortunately there are many people in this situation but limited information to help. I am completely clueless about what to do. For anyone in this situation maintain your faith, but remember to take care of yourself too.

Thank you all for sharing. I know it is not easy being in the position we are in.

I only can try to put things into place when I get to be an elderly person because I do not want to put this burden on my children. This is such an ruff life to go through and especially being young and want to taste LIFE.

Most of my elder care, for all seven elders, coincided with my raising kids. It does affect our children and they have to give up a lot of us. I tried to juggle it all, and I'm sure I failed each generation to some degree. But I did my best. It was all I could do.

Carol

Yes I have a 13, 5, and 18 month old. I am taking care of my father in law. He lives with us. On somedays I feel like I am going to walk right out of this house. It's too many people to juggle.

MY son just started college I thought it was party time. But now I am caring for my mom. She is just like a baby. I fill like I am starting all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if I've sacrificed my young son to my needy mother. My husband says he feels he lost me. Sometimes I feel I've lost myself as well. I keep thinking I'll redeem what I once had some time down the line. Sometimes I think my son will be gone before I realize that I've lost him, too. Sobering thoughts.

What should the sandwich generation do. I am sitting here now with a sore throat and exhaustion. I am feeling I can't give but so much.

I have a 13 yr. and a 17 yr. old, both of whom have been dealing with me dealing with my mother for the last 10 years. My 17 yr. old recently told me that he hoped we could have at least one happy Christmas before he has to go away to college....
My husband says that I always put her needs before my children....
My family and marriage have both suffered as a result of her demands and needs. I have given what I have, but she never appreciates it and never seems to care about my other obligations.

I can understand how difficult this is for you. My in-laws are in their 70's & 80's and have lived with us for the past 5 years. Trying to take care of my 7 and 10 year-old while dealing with my mother-in-laws mental decline has been especially difficult on my kids. My father-in-law is able to care for her now, but she will eventually need more care. This situation has also opened my eyes at to how I might begin to plan for myself because I would like to avoid placing this kind of burden on my children. Take care of yourself and remember that your children need to come first.

When my son was young and I was potty training him. One day I was watching my mother- in- law who had parkinson's while my Father- in- law went to town. Well both needed to use the bathroom at the same time. Thank goodness they had two bathrooms but both were yelling at me at the same time also. One from each bathroom. I was going back and forth to check on them.
It is hard and I am glad my son is 19 now that I am a caregiver for my mom. Good Luck.

Yes ...... My sister has 4 kids and helps to care for her inlaws.

It is not easy. I have two daughters, 16 and 7. My mom recently went to a nursing home. But for the last couple of years, it was sometimes daily trips to mom's for checking on her, grocery shopping, drs appts, home repairs, etc. Nothing I did was ever enough or pleased her. I always bought to wrong kind of bread or the wrong brand of peanut butter. I had to drag my children to doctors appts -- they suffered. Their school work and our family time suffered because of the constant running back and forth. I would have done anything for my mother. I was ready to move mom to our house, but thank goodness we reconsidered. I love my mother, but you know what, it was a hard lesson to learn -- your children and husband come first. Things are better now, my kids and husband know they are no. 1. Mom still complains about the nursing home, the food is terrible, the nurses don't know what they are doing. I can't worry and pull us apart over it any more. She is safe and we are happy. God Bless all of us in this situation. I don't ever want to be a burden to my children. Plan now for your future.

Mom had a stroke a month after my premature grandson was born from my 15 yr old daughter. I cared for my parents and grandson and 2 teenage daughters, one going through post partum depression. All the while working full time. Dad had a heart attack and quad bypass surgery and Mom had dementia after her stroke. Yes I lost alot of years caring for 3 generations of my family. I was able to keep them in their home for 8 years and then had to place them in a SNF. I lost them both within 9 months of each other within the last 2 years. I have to say life without them is harder than caring for them. It has taken me this long to regain my emotional balance and find myself again. This was the hardest time of my life I felt lost and I know they are helping regain my life now in many ways. Hug them love them and although they take alot of care and stress is high, remember the person they used to be and one day you will not be able to hug and kiss and touch them and trust me that is harder. Hug your parents for me, I wish I could one more time.

You know, God never puts more on us than we can bear... and sometime we wonder... my kids have sufferered some b/c my husband and I were raised by older parents and now we AS OLDER PARENTS are raising our kids. I firmly believe that God has a will of working things out.. it's not easy at times... but He is in control...Ksue, I put my mom in diapers the day that I got my son out of them and she told me to make sure to write that in his baby book. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying... But my dad is in a nursing home now.. I have done the grocery shopping, dr appts with kids... I couldn't have handled it much longer... Now I am dealing with paperwork and his finances... how about any of you??

would you ladies consider yourselfs to be generous?

I am with all of you...caring for my 78 year old mother and I have a husband and 2 children, ages 13 and 16...it is very hard...especially when anyone is ill, as my 13 yr old son now has the swine flu....I also work full-time from home...I started out feeling "generous" a year and a half ago when mom came to live here, but now I just feel "tired" all the time and VERY caught in the middle....I feel like I don't do anything really "well" anymore...hang in there everyone...I try to remember the person she was and how my Dad would want me to care for her, but it is very difficult and a nursing facility may be in the near future as she has so many needs...

Yes, and I would like to know are there others who are raising kids, have a disabled spouse and an elderly parent with dementia who can no longer take care of themselves and you are the only child having to deal with all of this?

I'm 52 and my disabled with is 54. We have one son in college who is 18 and another son who is in his junior year of high school who is 17. My mother continues with her dementia and is 78. All of this pressure sure makes living with my bipolar II disorder quite a challenge along with continuing to adjust to going on disability myself and not working since 2003.

A friend of mine has his 80 year old mother now living with him and his wife along with two grandchildren that his daughter abandoned plus they have his unemployed son with his wife and small child. Whenever, I feel that I have it bad, I just think about his household and I know that I could not live like that.

I've been there and did that so I can certainly understand your predicament. Now my 28 year old son is back home after a really bad relationship and my 83 year old mother is living with me since my father died 2 1/2 years ago she to wants to be waited on and is lazy but thank goodness at my age my son helps a lot he cleans and cooks and does yard work and all sorts of things but I had his other grandmother living with us when he was 16 and she had alzheimers and a slew of other ailments she wanted to do things but couldn't and I think the frustrations she felt plus the fact she didn't know what she was doing or saying most of the time made her nasty. Yes it is a hard life and no help from siblings my husband is on the road all the time so the stress is insurmountable. Good luck to you there are a whole bunch of us sandwich generations.

neonwocky,

Thanks for sharing your story. You are quite a survivor. My what opposites you have experienced with your son's other grandmother whose health kept her from doing what she wanted to do which was frustrating and now your mother who wants to be waited on hand and foot which is frustrating also for as you wrote, she's lazy. I think it's time for a family conference where some talking about expectations, responsibilities, within people's abilities and time needs to take place. I'm sorry to hear why your son had to come home, but it is great that he is so helpful. However, if he replaces what she could actually be doing but is not because she is lazy, then he will not have much of a chance to get his own life back together and move on with it. That's my 2 cents worth anyhow.

well what he is doing I was doing I can tell her and she is only going to do what she waants to do and basically when she wants something in retun she has been like that my whole life and I don't see her changing. As for my son he is going on with his life and will soon be opening his own business in a few months probably after the first of the year he is quicker than me and his dad lol and my husvband still is on the road most of the time.. thanks for your 2 cents its always welcomed

I am with you all! My mom has been with us for 4 years. She came 4 months after my dad died. It was a promise I made to him. DUMB!!!! These deathbed promises are not a good idea since you are not looking at things with a clear head and heart. Mom has started to complain about the food I give her and I am a very good cook! She wants roasts every night and says that she gives me enough money to live that way. Tough. It is not happening!!!!!
We are in the process of selling our house and going to a 55 and over, taking her with us because we don't have a choice and brother does nothing. I have help and she pays for it since I am not about to give up my life. Nursing home may be an option soon, but not until we have to. But when we do, she is going and I will feel no guilt. We have done all we can and have given her a good home.

Jenilou is right, take care of yourself! No one else will!!

Amen -^_^=

I am so glad to have started this discussion - I feel that we are all in the same boat... and where I am I feel like I need to build an ark b/c we are having major rain here! Anyways, most of us are women.. I am a stay-at-home Mom... you guys have made me realize that I don't have it so bad... It is hard to balance it all but we manage. We crash when our heads hit the pillow some nights and some nights we stay up with worry - our minds won't stop with all the things on our to do lists. We wear many hats and carry many burdens. My thoughts and prayers with all of you in your many situations. HOW DO YOU STAY ORGANIZED AND ON TOP OF IT ALL? is my next question. AND TO HAVE TIME FOR YOURSELF? I spend a lot of devotional time when I have the time... LOL! HUGS to all of you!

As for the deathbed promises, I am cleaning up a "MESS" that my mom left behind... she warned me what was ahead but I was so clueless at the time.. but now I know.. she told me how it was going to be... and it is... very eerie! And very scary that I didn't know that this was coming! I didn't see the train!! Yet, God was preparing me for it in His own way... I am not making much sense am I?? As Dr Phil said on a commercial (I am not a watcher) - You are your parent's child, but you are not your parent! Let's not make the same mistakes that our parents made!

So many of you are raising parents and taking care of grandchildren..how about 40 somethings raising young kids and taking care of 80 something parents?

I only care for Mom 24/7, her dog, her house, her bills, my house, my bills, my full time job but That is enough to stress a person out. Taking on children with all that is HUGE! U are an angel. My biggest issue is the siblings 1500 miles away saying "...so What if u take care of Mom!.." I guess until you actually do the work people have No concept of what it involves or the life you abandon so a parent can remain in their home with the best care. Some feel a relative should be expected to do this out of the goodness of their hearts while the others get to live their lives with no disruptions or sacrafices. How much is one's life worth and How much is it worth to the family to KNOW without a doubt that a person who loves and cares for Mom is keeping her safe, clean, fed and happy...it's Priceless...UNLESS it intereferes with their inheritance....

Ah, the old money game. My brother thinks he is getting half mom's money. Won't he be surprised to find out that we spent it all on her. Nothing is wrong with her that is life threatening, just life altering. So, she gets lots of care and will be here for a long while. He should have stayed with her on our vacations. It would have been money in the bank!