Jackienickname Asked February 2012

Can I put my wife in a nursing home against her will?

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Can I put my wife in a nursing home against her will? I am her only caretaker and I do not do a very good job of it. I am resentful after 4 years of being the only one. Her son comes to get money, grandsons maybe call once in a while. No visitors come, everyone is afraid they may have to help with something. I am exhausted. Had PT and nurse and bather for about 4 weeks but insurance run out on them. Now have a homemaker 2 hours a day 5 days a week. She lays in her diaper all day with no changes. She is unable to even sit up on her own let alone get up to use commode. lays there 24 7 flat on her back, even to eat and drink which makes quite a mess, has no desire to sit up. Dementia is setting in, tried to eat with the phone as a fork, forgets how to even use the phone, She watches cars go by the house all day long but has to ask me if there is a road in front of the house and what the cross street is and about the stop light. There is no cross street and no stop light. Many things like that happening daily. Trying to get her on medicaid, i think they pay for nursing homes, hope so cause i can't. Do I need to get POA and a living will now or what? she is 72 im 62, i can't lift her anymore, tore ligimates in shoulder doing that, even to sit her up i can't hold her up, she leans backwards, refuses to lean forward to sit up. Therapy gave up on her said they can do nothing, her legs are constricted with muscles drawing up. bad knees, leukemia (lgl)type, arthritis and buldging discs in spine, fibromyalgia, diabetic, on coumadin for which i have no way to monitor at this time, dr working on that, needs to be done weekly. So she is totally imobile as far as walking, cant even stand up. Depression has really set in on me and I don't know what to do. Anyone suggestions please. on AgingCare.com:

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jeannegibbs Mar 2017
Lidiaparker55, you need to change your circumstances as soon as possible.

1) Select a good nursing home and get your husband in it. Try to find one with memory care also, in case his behaviors escalate and he needs that.
2) Arrange to visit husband once a day, or whatever is practical given its location and his level of dementia.
3) If necessary, apply for Medicaid.
4) Get counseling for yourself. You are experiencing a great trauma and you need/deserve therapy to help you heal.

It is expected that people who develop dementia will eventually need a care center. People with dementia who can stay in their homes are the exception. Please don't feel guilty that you can't beat the odds and care for this progressive disease at home indefinitely.
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I am going through the same thing with my husband. I am a terrible caregiver in that I am impatient, yell at him a lot, and have to stop myself from hitting him. Then I am consumed with guilt, try to make it up to him, then he does something that totally pushes me over the edge, like continuously getting up without his walker, taking off his shoes, putting on my pants, and falling asleep at the table. He is in terrible shape, but I am in just as bad a shape mentally cause I just can't take it anymore. I cry and cry. I scream. I sit in my chair and get lost in TV programs. I don't contact my friends anymore. I see them having fun and doing lots of things with their spouses and I hate them for it. I hate myself more. I think of suicide every day. I think of ending his life, but imagined myself in prison thinking if I had just taken the steps to place him in a nursing home I'd be living a semi normal life. I would visit him every day, but I just can't handle changing his diapers, the bedwetting, the dementia, and child like behaviors. I am having a nervous breakdown. I know I should get help. I just can't. So I relate to how you feel about taking care of your wife. All those suggestions to address some of her physical problems. But you are DONE. As I am. They don't get that. I love my husband and am wracked with guilt at my failure to be a good caregiver. I can't get past being pissed that our lives have turned to utter misery. I wish us both luck.
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Dustien Jun 2016
Oh my gosh, here I am answering a question that was asked in 2012. My Goodness...LOL..wonder how I ended up on this question.

I sure wish the poster would come back and update us then. Since this was 3.5 years ago, I sure do wonder what happened with this husband's wife and his situation.
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Dustien Jun 2016
Ellastine - You need to ask that question in a new post, rather then in this thread. Your situation is entirely different then this posters situation so it needs a new discussion started. Use the Caregiver Forum link above to find the 'Ask a Question" page to post your question about your husband.
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Dustien Jun 2016
In her condition you can have her sent to the hospital to be checked with with the Drs backing and from there, depending on the outcome, she can be forced into a Nursing home for evaluation. However, as you've already found out, keeping her there is the challenge. Unless you have special Long Term Coverage Insurance will NOT cover long term nursing home care. Only Medicaid will do that. JeanneGibbs is right. You need to start the proceedings to get her approved for Medicaid right away. It could take some time. Monies are divided by them...so much can be kept by the spouse but her part has to be spent down on her care until she has nothing left. There's also a look back period of 5 years, so the money she's been giving to her son out of her SS is going to directly impact when she'll be available for Medicare to start paying. I'd stop that money going out right away if you ever want help from Medicaid.

I like Mommag's idea about Hospice, if they will help, but they aren't a permanent solution either, unless she should die while they are caring for her. Give them a call and get an evaluation from them, but also start the process of qualifying her for Medicaid at the same time so you know what you need to do and can start doing it.

My heart goes out to you...you're indeed in a difficult position. You need to try to get through to her that giving money to her son is going to prevent her getting the care she needs in the future and she's going to have an even more miserable time of it then she is having now. Good Luck and God Bless...
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Ellastine Jun 2016
My husband has just had heart surgery the doctors suggestion that he can't stay alone. What do I do.
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windytown May 2013
SkyView, I don't have any answers for you, but I suggest you start a new thread with your question. This one is pretty dated and your question may not get the notice it deserves. Wishing you and your parents all my best and some good answers for you!
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SkyView May 2013
My mother has dementia, just fractured her ankle and is incredibly hostile to my father, who is taking care of her. She refuses to let him hire any help. He is about at wits' end with the constant mental beatings he takes on a daily basis. They are both 80 years of age, he is physically healthy, and they have been married over 50 years. What can he do legally? Can he have her placed in a facility without her permission?
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NanaShep5 Mar 2012
How my heart goes out to you! I'm taking care of my Dad who isn't in quite such bad condition as your wife, but I know it is already extremely difficult physically & emotionally. It sounds to me like you would be acting in her best interest to find a good place for her since you can't care for her like you would like to. I'm surprised you aren't able to get more home health care through Medicare. Have you checked into all the options in that arena? I just want to encourage you to do what you must without being eaten with guilt! I hope you are depending on the Lord to guide and direct and strengthen you both in this hard time! Rose Shepherd, Crown Point, IN
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Jackie: How are things going with getting your wife placed? I hope you are making progress. Give us an update when you can. Hugs, Cattails
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