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My step-dad bought his privately hired caregiver a used car, (because she has to take him to doctors out of town every few months and her vehicle was failing) and gave her $5,000. We have discussed this. I have spoken to her and she yelled at me saying that it was his idea, and the money is going towards her little girls education. At first he was going to be 10,000! Now, every time he discusses what he wants her to do, she blames it on me.
We now have a few other people coming in and she is not coming in 7 days a week. It started out to be just weekends, then went to 5 days a week, then she was dropping in every day. She started taking him to her church, he said he liked the breakfasts, she brings her daughters over.
We live in a small community, and access to caregivers is expensive and limited.
It all comes down to what he wants. He is 91, and mentally sound. I know he gets lonely and he likes her company.
My question is, should I report her, or just let her know that she will be fired if she accepts any more gifts?

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I am a privately paid caregiver and would never consider taking a gift much less something like that amount of money. My elder has Alz. and was always trying to give me jewelry. I would say thank you, go put it back. I finally gave the jewelry box to her daughter to take home.
What that caregiver is doing is very unprofessional. Fire her. You do not owe her an explanation, but do what the others suggested and make sure she has not gotten into his money. If she had, file charges. If you don't, she will find another elder to take advantage of. I wish you luck with this situation, and pray you find another caregiver who is there for the right reason...
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I have cautioned family members repeatedly about hired caregivers who become too "familiar" with their charges. You need to act immediately and remove this person from your step-father's care. She is not acting professionally and she may be helping herself to his income.
Whomever has his POA should check his bank accounts and credit report for theft and/or fraud. If it is warranted, place a "fraud alert" on his credit report. This would prevent anyone from taking out a loan or opening credit card accounts. If you suspect abuse, contact adult services and perhaps the police and file a report.
If this woman is belligerent to you when you call, it is a sure sign that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your step-father for her own gain. In the future, instruct any paid caregiver that they are not to ask personal questions about your father's family, finances, or other sensitive information. They are not to accept excessive gifts and by doing so, their employment will be terminated.
If you cannot find help for your step-father in his home town, consider moving him closer to you in either a private apt. or ALF. It is better than letting him be taken advantage of in his home town where no one is monitoring the hired help.
good luck
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Kittiemom, get this criminal out of your stepfather's life immediately, and contact local law enforcement regarding what she has done to him. There are laws in all 50 states against the exploitation of the elderly or disabled, and that is exactly what this piece of trash is doing to your loved one. Imagine the nerve of her yelling at you...how dare she! She took money that was given to her to purchase a car to help your stepdad, and instead she spent it on her "child's education"?? Yeah, right! Even if that is true, it is still a criminal act for her to do that. It is called financial exploitation of the elderly. Please, get this she-devil out of both of your lives immediately! She is trying to "move and take over" because SHE WANTS HIS MONEY. Next thing you know she will convince him to change his will. There is a special place in hell for trash like that, but in the meantime, I am liking the sound of...JAIL. This sort of thing happens to old people here in Florida all the time, but when those skanks get caught, THEY GO TO JAIL. Please, rescue your stepdad from this creature. God will bless you for it!
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Another thing that may need to be done would be to get a restraining order for her to stay away from his home. If she isn't reported at least to her agency, she will find someone else to prey on.
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KAREN:

Restraining order? Absolutely. But people like her often find ways around them. Still, it's a great idea.

ALL SHE'S GOT:

You're right. Apples & oranges. If confronted, that caregiver will undoubtedly say the $5K gift and the car were his idea; and that he insisted. The fact of the matter is that most women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, and many men will either fall for the Damsel in Distress in a heartbeat or consider how best to help -- especially when there's a secondary gain. Even when they know there's a possibility they might be taken for a fool.

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime." The best way to help others is to give them the tools to help themselves. I don't care if it's a man or a woman; straight, gay, bi, confused, in the closet, or behind the closet.

Most women I know find me intriguing or intimidating. Perhaps because I'm the only male out of 14 children, and I understand the female psyche better than the average Joe. Perhaps because I'm looking for a self-reliant, self-respecting woman who wants me but doesn't need me; and only hangs around because she loves me.

Although it sounds like I'm looking for a custom-fit in an off-the-rack world, there are many out there. Yet no one, no matter how lonely or mature, deserves to be manipulated, used, or abused in any way. And I have no tolerance for these golddiggers -- which are quite common in my Southeast Bronx neighborhood and usually target the physically/psychologically frail elderly to the point they often feel grateful that some Spring chicken finds them "attractive" and wants to spend some time with them the week when the SSI/SSD checks arrive.

My "Trick Alarm" goes up when females 20-30 years younger than I approach me at the Parkchester Fountain while I'm reading and relaxing. "Casing the joint," they ask if I'm single, what kind of work do I do, and if I have a car. I immediately flip the script with something like "I just came back from Upstate (NY prison) after catching three bodies, and I'm looking for a place to hang out for a while. ... Can I get your #?" In a nutshell, they realize I'm not to be played with and the conversation ends abruptly. Maybe when I hit 90 my tune will be completely different, but for now I'd rather hang on to my self-respect and keep my eyes peeled for these shiftless predators who prefer to get the milk and the cow for free.

Good night my ladies.

-- ED
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If you read on this site very much you'll soon see that what paid caregivers experience happens to family caregivers, too. Unfounded accusations (often because of dementia or long-standing mental health problems) can be devastating to the daughter who is taking care of her father. What your colleague experienced with the missing check fiasco happens all too often to the grandson or niece or son-in-law who is only trying to help, at great personal sacrifice.

Caring for an elder with cognitive problems can be very rewarding and also risky. Whether you are getting a fair wage or not!
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Same story here. Small Town, private pay. Pretty single mother, caregiver, flatters 85 year old widowed Parkinson's man. We were"lucky" to have her as she split her hours to work AM and afternoon until we could get home from work. She tells sob story day after day and laughs at his jokes. She promised she'd never leave him. WHAT?? New tires, then help with used car and cash gifts to "help her out". I askef her not to tell him her problems but.... She continued. We could not find anyone he would work with. Basically he has a tantrum of sorts. I asked her not to take money..."I didn't want to, he made me"!! Talking to him or my husband was futile. She had them both beguiled. Until, he was temp in nursing home and we asked if she would mind dropping in on him just to make sure he was OK while we worked in another city. We had to pay her for hours so she would stay. No, she would not drop in. What happened to I'll never leave you? She was paid in cash. While he was still home she set her own hours. Took off and left him alone while still on the clock. While he was in nursing home she wanted to be paid just to retain her. When he finally went in for void she knew her gravy train had ended. She demanded severance pay! What?? Severance pay is when you work somewhere that takes taxes etc our of your pay and employer decided to no longer employ you. . Not our decision. His money was gone, So was she. She showed up at his funeral and I could not stand to be near her. Sorry this is so long evidently I needed to vent. I just can't stand people who taste advantage of the elderly.
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WOW what an ordeal, and what a story. I was discussing this situation with my 89-year-old client. She and I have an amazing relationship. She was as appalled as I was, at this woman's actions. I had to laugh; often I bring a "treat" for my little lady and every time she tries to pay me. I tell her, "There are treats, and there are necessities. I'm allowed to bring you a treat, and I'll let you know when you owe me for necessities." So one day I had gotten her something that was about $3 which she'd asked for. She only had a $5. I said to forget it. She insisted on giving me the $5. So it was lying on the dining table, and one of the times we went back to the bathroom this quiet little Southern Belle actually RAISED HER VOICE and said "YOU TAKE THAT $5 RIGHT NOW!" we both had a great laugh. And I took the $5. Ha.
I know that my level of comfort with (them) her is outside of the range of what might be safe in some situations, but it has, in fact, worked out just fine. I'm not there on my own time, I don't take anything from them (and wouldn't if offered), and find myself being mostly family, but very respectful of family. Most of the time I simply leave the room if the family comes to sit and visit. Often I'm called back by either her or one of the kids. It's nice. Still - I "know my place"! I also remind them often that in my world and my business, I'm an executive and doctors and investment people ask ME for advice! Ha ha. Gotta have the pride in there SOMEWHERE as you wash the bathroom floor! :-)
Take care - I look forward to hearing the "rest of the story"!
Ruth
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This was our story with our dad. He thought he was making good decisions and taking care of things on his own, so he didn't want our interference. In truth, he was being manipulated. He bought one of his caregivers a car and gave her money. When we figured out what had happened, my dad was furious and said this was none of our business. The caregiver was belligerent with us otherwise we may not have investigated until it was too late. When my brother and I got involved, things changed. I somehow managed to get POA and changed things so that Dad could no longer get to his money. Mom was incapable of dealing with the whole situation, so she was no help - even though she knew that what he was doing was jeopardizing them financially, she would not cross him. And she was in the early stages of dementia.

Somehow my brother scared the caregiver into paying for the car (eventually and after much effort). We have no idea how much money she got from him before we found out.

And just to be clear - my brother and I were not worried about an inheritance. We were worried that he was going to give it away and there would be none left for their care.

Lilliput had great advice. Investigate all of his financial information and try to figure out what is going on before it is too late.
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I am currently a Caregivedr for a very wealthy woman. She bought me a Lexus after working for her For a year. I refused to accept it for 3 weeks. Finally, after she cried real tears...yes, real tears, she phoned her lawyer, and had a neutral third party confirm with her, in private that it was something she REALLY wanted to do. It was, and I reluctantly accepted. I took the bus For 6 months because my car was stolen, and I had no insurance. She felt sorry for me, and wanted to help. But, a LEXUS...come on! Three things stick out in your story: your dad is lonely, the woman takes him to church, and she used the money for her kids education. This doesn't sound like a scandalous person that would more likely manipulate, and use your dad. It always amazes me to hear the adult children of elderly parents complain and blame the Caregivers every time something happens that they don't like. I am with my boss 96 hours a week. She is estranged from almost everyone of her family members. I spend alot of time, and energy encouraging her try to be closer to her family. When I met her, she had everything in her will going to someone who left her in a home for dead....and all kinds of random people. I believe I was a big influence in convincing her to change her will, and leave what she has to her family members. She has since realized that that was the best thing to do, and changed her will on her own accord. You said your dad is of sound mind, that's paramount in trying to establish if he gave to this woman because he truly wanted to and it was his idea. I guess what I'm trying to say is....not ALL situations of an elderly parent gifting their Caregiver are of a scandalous origin, and frankly, I'm frustrated to see the adult children ALWAYS blaming the Caregivers. If your THAT worried, take it to a legal level, and let a Judge assess the circumstances, and decide. People that leave their elderly family members under the charge of a person for 90% or more of the time expect machines, and miracles. We Caregivers are only human like you. Many of us are under paid, sacrifice time with our own families, and suffer from anxiety, and stress taking are of YOUR parents. Don't be SUPRISED if your parent becomes attached to their Caregiver when the Caregiver is the primary person they spend their time with. make the time to VISIT, and CARE for your parents. Be lose to them, heal some of their loneliness, be there for them like they were there for you. Then you would have no surprises, and can make these types of decisions together. From a legal stand point, ask a lawyer. From a "do the right thing" stand point, ask your heart. Also, consider having your dad make you a co-trustee that requires your signature and/or agreement before he gifts anything to anyone. Good luck, and to all the radical Caregiver witch-hunters...ease up...not EVERY Caregiver is out to screw the elderly. Most of us are very honest, loving, and forthright people. And, I'm just tired of reading all your negative crap about Caregivers. Anyone who is breaking the law is a criminal...not necessarily a Caregiver! Good luck.
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