My step-dad bought his privately hired caregiver a used car, and gave her $5,000. Should I let her know she will be fired if she accepts any more gifts?

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My step-dad bought his privately hired caregiver a used car, (because she has to take him to doctors out of town every few months and her vehicle was failing) and gave her $5,000. We have discussed this. I have spoken to her and she yelled at me saying that it was his idea, and the money is going towards her little girls education. At first he was going to be 10,000! Now, every time he discusses what he wants her to do, she blames it on me.
We now have a few other people coming in and she is not coming in 7 days a week. It started out to be just weekends, then went to 5 days a week, then she was dropping in every day. She started taking him to her church, he said he liked the breakfasts, she brings her daughters over.
We live in a small community, and access to caregivers is expensive and limited.
It all comes down to what he wants. He is 91, and mentally sound. I know he gets lonely and he likes her company.
My question is, should I report her, or just let her know that she will be fired if she accepts any more gifts?

Answers 1 to 10 of 38
I have cautioned family members repeatedly about hired caregivers who become too "familiar" with their charges. You need to act immediately and remove this person from your step-father's care. She is not acting professionally and she may be helping herself to his income.
Whomever has his POA should check his bank accounts and credit report for theft and/or fraud. If it is warranted, place a "fraud alert" on his credit report. This would prevent anyone from taking out a loan or opening credit card accounts. If you suspect abuse, contact adult services and perhaps the police and file a report.
If this woman is belligerent to you when you call, it is a sure sign that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your step-father for her own gain. In the future, instruct any paid caregiver that they are not to ask personal questions about your father's family, finances, or other sensitive information. They are not to accept excessive gifts and by doing so, their employment will be terminated.
If you cannot find help for your step-father in his home town, consider moving him closer to you in either a private apt. or ALF. It is better than letting him be taken advantage of in his home town where no one is monitoring the hired help.
good luck
Kittiemom, get this criminal out of your stepfather's life immediately, and contact local law enforcement regarding what she has done to him. There are laws in all 50 states against the exploitation of the elderly or disabled, and that is exactly what this piece of trash is doing to your loved one. Imagine the nerve of her yelling at dare she! She took money that was given to her to purchase a car to help your stepdad, and instead she spent it on her "child's education"?? Yeah, right! Even if that is true, it is still a criminal act for her to do that. It is called financial exploitation of the elderly. Please, get this she-devil out of both of your lives immediately! She is trying to "move and take over" because SHE WANTS HIS MONEY. Next thing you know she will convince him to change his will. There is a special place in hell for trash like that, but in the meantime, I am liking the sound of...JAIL. This sort of thing happens to old people here in Florida all the time, but when those skanks get caught, THEY GO TO JAIL. Please, rescue your stepdad from this creature. God will bless you for it!
Top Answer
I am a privately paid caregiver and would never consider taking a gift much less something like that amount of money. My elder has Alz. and was always trying to give me jewelry. I would say thank you, go put it back. I finally gave the jewelry box to her daughter to take home.
What that caregiver is doing is very unprofessional. Fire her. You do not owe her an explanation, but do what the others suggested and make sure she has not gotten into his money. If she had, file charges. If you don't, she will find another elder to take advantage of. I wish you luck with this situation, and pray you find another caregiver who is there for the right reason...
I agree that this is NOT professional, if your stepdad wanted to provide reliable transportation because she drives him on a lot of trips,that is one thing. But to accept money of any kind other than compensation for sevices is a huge no,no. It is not up to him to give her money for her daughters education. That's what she should be working for, and should never accept gifts esspecially large ones.
And most definaltly should never,ever,ever, be disrepectful in anyway to the family. As a former paid cargiver, the patient and his family are to be treated like you would any other customer/employer. Old people ant to give stuff away a lot. Its like they are at the end of their life and they want to sort through things for som reason. There have been many stories where pricless family eirlooms have been thoughtlessly given away by well meaning elders who are unable to make good judgments. To some cargiver to sell to a pawn shop or discard casue they have no value to them. And many elders got taken for thousands by cargivers that were allowd to get to close. Now that said,there have been many cargivers get close to there charges, think of them like family. But ussualy these honest people are not low lifes, and they would never take anything from them. This girl sounds like trouble. Lots of red flags here. At the least she needs to be fired. She shouldn't be spending her days off at his residence. And yes since you know you step dad is suceptable to low lifes, you need to warn every hired hand that they are NOT to get to personal. You want the, to remain professional,compassionate, but keep their distance. A lot can be said for a compassionate cargiver,there is a difference between one who gets close and is like family, and one who acts like family to get to close. A honest person wouldn't accept money for her childs education.

As a woman, you already know what she's up to. Report her a__ and see what you can do to get the $5,000 back. All that "check with your daughter," etc. is just another divide & conquer tactic designed to drive a wedge between you and the old man because you're "cutting into her flow."

In the absence of public transportation if she doesn't have reliable wheels, she can't get there; but that's her problem. Besides, she can always call a cab. He could've bought himself a car that she can use to drive him around. Now she has two thanks to Sugar Daddy; who also gives her money "for her daughter" and treats her to restaurants.

A decent, self-respecting woman wouldn't take advantage of a man whose loneliness makes him overly generous. Then he'll more than likely feel stupid and used after she's done taking him to the cleaners. (Don't mean to sound heartless, but the 30-something neighbor next door is playing Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing." His "Old Lady" dumped him again in her search for a "real" man that'll give her anything she wants. A man's home is his castle until the Queen arrives, and the poor guy didn't realize that high-maintenance, golddigging sk__k was playing the field and playing him like a fiddle . Their loud arguments always had to do with money, and he'd always give in. His money was her money, and her money was her money. That fool has been drinking to a stupor for over a week and slurring as he tries to sing along Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" and croaking like a frog with Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love." ... Love makes you do silly things, doesn't it? They lived together 3 years, and it's going to take him at least another 3 to get over her. Unless he drinks himself to death. ... Idiot.)

Now, back to your Dad:

Since he's mentally sound, have a heart to heart chat and let him know how you feel. Give him lots of respect and the opportunity to articulate -- and defend -- his point of view. The art of being a woman is allowing the man to believe he's in charge and, as lord and master of his own life, he must have the willingness to take full responsibility for his actions -- and follies.

Good luck my friend, and keep us posted. These home-wrecking, self-serving vixens of mayhem need to be stopped.

-- ED

Another thing that may need to be done would be to get a restraining order for her to stay away from his home. If she isn't reported at least to her agency, she will find someone else to prey on.
ed, that's a wonderful point about him buying himself a car and allowing her to use it. I guess I was thinking back to when my aunt had bought her sis in law a used car to take them to their appt. because other transportation was to expensive for them. In that case though they were like sisters, not a paid cargiver situation. and elderly aunt didn't drive,hubby could no longer drive. Sis in law burnt her old car out taking them on long trips. Sis in law couldn't afford to pay a service. But your right that is sooo different. She is a gold digger. The worst kind. She shouldn't be working for a service.

Restraining order? Absolutely. But people like her often find ways around them. Still, it's a great idea.


You're right. Apples & oranges. If confronted, that caregiver will undoubtedly say the $5K gift and the car were his idea; and that he insisted. The fact of the matter is that most women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, and many men will either fall for the Damsel in Distress in a heartbeat or consider how best to help -- especially when there's a secondary gain. Even when they know there's a possibility they might be taken for a fool.

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime." The best way to help others is to give them the tools to help themselves. I don't care if it's a man or a woman; straight, gay, bi, confused, in the closet, or behind the closet.

Most women I know find me intriguing or intimidating. Perhaps because I'm the only male out of 14 children, and I understand the female psyche better than the average Joe. Perhaps because I'm looking for a self-reliant, self-respecting woman who wants me but doesn't need me; and only hangs around because she loves me.

Although it sounds like I'm looking for a custom-fit in an off-the-rack world, there are many out there. Yet no one, no matter how lonely or mature, deserves to be manipulated, used, or abused in any way. And I have no tolerance for these golddiggers -- which are quite common in my Southeast Bronx neighborhood and usually target the physically/psychologically frail elderly to the point they often feel grateful that some Spring chicken finds them "attractive" and wants to spend some time with them the week when the SSI/SSD checks arrive.

My "Trick Alarm" goes up when females 20-30 years younger than I approach me at the Parkchester Fountain while I'm reading and relaxing. "Casing the joint," they ask if I'm single, what kind of work do I do, and if I have a car. I immediately flip the script with something like "I just came back from Upstate (NY prison) after catching three bodies, and I'm looking for a place to hang out for a while. ... Can I get your #?" In a nutshell, they realize I'm not to be played with and the conversation ends abruptly. Maybe when I hit 90 my tune will be completely different, but for now I'd rather hang on to my self-respect and keep my eyes peeled for these shiftless predators who prefer to get the milk and the cow for free.

Good night my ladies.

-- ED
Ed lmao, sooo true. No wonder you mom has dementia after raising 14 children, and 13 of them girls. Just kidding.

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