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I hear you, rubikat:) we are who we are, which also makes us caregivers to those who may not deserve us--if life were Fair. Life is a mystery, Dear One.
Blessings to you all.
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Hey there Christina, sounds like alot of us in the same boat.I think the shame of it all is that I would've loved to have had a great relationship with my mother, and could never understand why this never happened. I have jumped through hoops and done headstands to get her approval. To realise you will never have a loving relationship is hard. Ive often wondered why she turned out like she did, she came from a loving family etc, but always had a sense of entitlement and that she was just that bit better than others.
She has put me down all my life, and when I came to care for her I thought finally she has to approve of me doing this, but it just made matters so much worse. She admits its all about her, and I tell her that's fair enough, but according to this theory of hers that therefore means I can use this statement as well to forge a life for myself...this is where she trips up, and tries to say but you owe me. For what? If she wasn't my mother she would be a person I would avoid. But she is and that makes me care for her wellbeing. This is all. I do find myself falling into the trap over and over with my desire to have this 'loving mother' overrides any kind of logic at times, and leaves me drained, depressed and just not a nice person to know.
This will continue till the day she is not here, and I'm sure I will feel all the guilt of maybe I should've tried harder, but I hope that logic prevails and I dig myself out of that negative thought process. Sometimes understanding why a person is like what they are like, does little to help, and can make you sadder.
All I can do is my best to not be like this to my kids, and learn from mistakes..I gave my kids life, and I love them to pieces, they are far from perfect, but I do not own their lives nor would I hold them to ransom that they must care for me or I will make their lives hell, the thought they would resent me like I do my own mother just makes me shudder.
I am who I am, good and bad, but I have learnt that your loved ones are not pawns in some sick manipulative game of life, and you don't treat them so. Live and let live, you get one shot at this life thing, either get to the end with regrets and delusions about yourself, or give it a bloody good shot and get to the end with a feeling of pride and satisfaction you did good. I want to go in the ground being able to slide into the 6ft hole on my knees holding a glass of vino yelling...yeeharr what a ride lol
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Hey rubi an madge: Been reading your posts today. My Mother was like this: manipulative, selfish, never had time for her kids or grandkids, and I am the only one of 3 left who would fit care giving into my life, along with school, work, and community involvement. But, it is my nature to overcome, learn something new every day, grow, etc. I thought this would be a great character builder, but when it started effecting my health--enflamed nerves in both feet, patches of psoriasis, weight gain, interrupted sleep every night, resentment and loathing for my helpless siblings, neither of whom work or do anything for anyone but themselves--I decided, it's her or me.
Dementia does progress, and she does not have those manipulative tendencies anymore. It's only been a matter of months, but she does not put any pressure on me anymore. She is happy to see me and shows her appreciation, even though she is difficult to understand. Sometimes I feel badly that I could not do it in my home anymore, but then I quickly evaluate the reasons in my mind, and I remember that it was the only way to preserve my own life.
It is possible that everyone who reads this thread with difficult parents, will be able to get past the point of frustration and feelings of being manipulated. Your parents could have a change of heart about all sorts of things. When we are in the middle of it and we are tired and they are being awful, it's hard to realize that they will change.
They give up, eventually. I think we all would do what we need to survive, to hang onto autonomy, and life as we know it as self-sufficient adults. It must be fear that drives them in some ways.
I am happy I have been able to forgive my Mother. I still do not understand how she could have been the way she was when we were children, or how uninterested she was in her family, but something in her mind must have made her that way. I have accepted that she did the best she could according to her awareness and capability. I can do better, due to my awareness and ability, so I do.
All the Best to you.
Hugs, Christina
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I have had one of those life changing moments with my Mom. About four years ago before my Dad passed away, she put my brother on her POA and left me out. I was not to be told how much money she had and she even made up a lie to my brother that I had asked my Dad for money to feed my kids. Of course Dad was dying and couldn't give his 2 cents worth. It was life changing. I took a few steps back and thought "who is this woman". And by the way, my husband is a college educated professional and savvy investor who has never been broke. Her lie was just that, a lie, to keep me from knowing what she has. we put 3 girls through college, all three were there at the same time. And she, of course, never even offered them pizza money. Oh yeah, the chickens will come home to roost with her.
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Yup madge, they do sound similiar, the bad mouthing used to work on me as I fought hard to defend myself to others, but now it doesn't work, its like the power is starting to fade like the control, but that was up to me to let that happen. My mother has been a force like no other in my life, and not a good one. And as for money...oh my god!!! a weapon of destruction for her, well she has all the money in the world, yes she could've made her daughters lives a bit easier by helping out. I gave up my job and where I lived to take care of her, so when she went into care I had no income coming in, which she knew, but hey I went out got temporary work, till I found a great job, with great money, and I guess foiled her plans again that I didn't come begging, it did get to a point where I considered it because I'd never not had a job...but boy am I so glad I didn't. Daughters of nacissistic mothers...we have had a lifetime full haven't we.
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rubyjkat, some similarities in your post and mine. I too think Mom will flip out when she actually has to go into a home. Then she will start bad mouthing me and my brother, as she already does. It is like "be careful what you wish for", in her case. I think, like your Mom, the "nursing home" threat is to make sure we know everything she has is hers and hers alone. That is fine with me and my brother. Neither one of us need her money. So she can't use that on us. Crazy.............
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I completely agree it has to be the decision of the daughter/son for their parent/s to go into care. I knew if I waited for my mother to go make the decision herself, I would end up in a padded cell before this ever happened. My mother did the crafty thing of saying I think its time I went into a nursing home, its not fair on you or your husband to take care of me...I would say oh no its fine, I made a promise and i will keep it. But when we did visit a nursing home, my decision, she said she loved it and it was time to move on, I knew she still didn't believe she would be in one. Two days later she was in, much to her horror, and all the manipulations and power plays she could muster to stop it from happening. When reality hit she went into overdrive of hating me, but unfortunately for her, this time everyone agreed with me that this was the right thing for everyone...(a first!).

She hates being in there and would prefer a place that didn't have really old people who went to bed early, and the ones with dementia and the deaf ones are just plain annoying, as well as the ones who are loud and just plain common..(this is my mother true to form). I get the 'is this all i have to look forward to now'...

Its costing her an absolute fortune in the home as she never entertained the idea of putting money in a trust because that would be like leaving me and my sister money and why should she as she says, its her money she can do as she pleases with it...which is true, however...you reap what you sow, she now has all the money in the world that will be spent on her as she always wanted.

Sometimes they will tell you what you want to hear, its another form of manipulation to keep you in line so to speak, you may be lucky that your mum really does want to go in a home, but I would be very sceptical until its a done deal...but that's me and the experiences I have had that's made a bit wary of what she says, is way different to what she really means.

End of day, she's sorted, I'm nearly there with new job and ready to move back to the life I had before embarking on the worst year of my life last year..keep moving forwards and keep smiling...thru gritted teeth sometimes lol.
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I had to put both my parents in a nursing home at the same time...father had parkinson's and mother had alzheimer's ....my brother and I built another home next door to take care of them ( 7years ) it got to the point whereas it was a safety issues and mother fell and broke hip...moved her from hospital to re-hab and had father join her in the same room. Yes there was the "I want to go home" from father...but we stayed our course and moved on knowing that they were being taken care of and safe. Remember..."the caretaker knows when it's time to move to a nursing home, when live is overwhelming and the stress is unbearable" do not let the parent dictate when the right time will be.
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I have a different take on this. My 81 year old Mom has told me since I was in high school (and I will be 60 this spring) that all her money is being saved for her old age and a nursing home. Dad said the same thing but he died and didn't get to enjoy the luxuries of one. Anyway, today she has saved close to a million dollars, lives on SS and small pension, is too cheap to practically live. Won't eat out, take a vacation with family, buy a book over a buck, heat all of her house, paint her house, have her lawn done (it looks like hell) or buy anything that is not priced in 1960's prices. She has accused me of asking her for money (I have not, ever didn't need to). And in general is an unpleasant old lady who WILL go into a nursing home, at her expense. And the irony of it all, she hates people, can't sleep anywhere but her own bed (did I mention she hasn't been to my house in 12 years?)

So, if and when she needs the Home. It will be an easy thing for me and my brother since we were fed a steady diet of "I can't pay for that because I have to save for a nursing home". Of course this was just an excuse to mizer away everything she and Dad had. She will be so unhappy, but wait .....she already is.
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I wanted to bring my father home to die. He finally convinced me that he just wanted the machines to be removed and for him to die naturally. He did so at a nursing home. I would have preferred one the hospices he was in during his long illness, but my mother liked the nursing home because it was closer to her home by 10 minutes. I stayed with him daily and he died in peace. The nurses were wonderful and I could not have taken care of him properly at home. We have to do what is best for all of us. Please try to feel some peace about this decision. Take care - Rebecca
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Today, after years of taking care of my mom, feeling like I would never have a life with my husband again and being so very depressed, mom and I visited a nursing home. She's been so obstanant lately and just downright horrible to be around. Yesterday, she says, "I think I need to look at a nursing home". OMG I couldn't believe my ears because I had promised her that wouldn't ever happen. What I didn't know, is that she could see my frustration, depression and tiredness and sincerely wanted to go to a nursing home where she will have more interaction with people her age. Yes, she has dementia but it's middle of the road and she will make friends. She gave me a gift today. The second gift of life again. Mom was still mom somewhere inside and knew that I couldn't go on this way. (she's blind and deaf as well as can't walk well). Somehow, she knew like she always had. I sincerely think this was her biggest gift to me besides all her love. It was for me that she did this and there is nowhere in my heart that could tell you all the love that I have for her. It has been hell living with mom but somehow she knew that and knew when I had had enough. She's still in there. She still loves me dearly and I will never ever love anyone this much again. She adopted me as a child and she knew the guilt I would feel putting her in a home so she did it. Sorry I'm rambling but I'm still in awe. I thought if this ever happened she would go kicking and screaming. No. She's just as generous as ever it's just that it's harder for that to come out anymore. There is hope and love. Just wanted everyone to know that
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I posted on here for the first time about going mad trying to keep my mother happy, from there I knew deep down it was time for her to go into care, whether she was a danger to herself or others, I didn't really give a stuff, my mother was causing me and my mental health some serious problems, didn't help that she told me I was completely insane and needed help everyday.

I literally found a place for her in one day, and moved her in 2 days later, and that wasnt fast enough...In those 2 days prior it was emotional warfare, she did her damdest by trying to get onside my husband and whoever else would listen that I was unstable, and if if I could just go and my husband stay and care for her, this would work out for everyone....um yeah sounds brilliant to me...NOT

I even started believing I was going mad and went to the dr expecting him to find me a cosy padded cell, which I would've welcomed to get some peace! He tried not to laugh, but as he was my mothers dr too, said that I wasn't crazy just a bit stressed.

For too many years now, I have dropped everything to be at my mothers side, with very little appreciation but I did it because I figured I owed her, not because I loved her, she has made my life hell for so long, but she gets away with what no other person would dare to because she is my mother. I can say I did my best which is MY BEST, she would argue this of course.

Harsh as it sounds, she's had her life full of regrets, bitterness, and mistakes. She is 84, and hasn't turned into the kind loving person I could only ever dream about as my mother. She is where she needs to be as the wise Eddie says (he;s very wise!). Let him be cared for and get on with enjoying your life, one day he will be gone, and none of this will matter as you are then in a position to be free. sometimes I think we feel more comfortable feeling guilty and punish ourselves. Our minds focus on the negative its up to us to reverse those thoughts, and have some enjoyment while you can, if you were told you had 6 weeks to live, how would you live your life then?
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LINDY:

As a retired nurse, I'm sure you talked about the possibility of a higher level of care. Riding the Guilt Rollercoaster? Welcome to the club. It doesn't go away, whether we've done the best we can or not. Your Mom might not accept the idea of a NH (few elderly do) and fight it tooth and nail as she adjusts to the new surroundings. But that's where she needs to be.
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I am 57 years old and the oldest of six children. My parents are divorced, so my Mother, while still being alive and well at the age of 77, is not involved with my Father's care. She has been remarried for 22 years. It has been over two years that myself and my siblings, as well as my husband, have been caring for my father in his own home. At first it involved visiting him to make sure he was eating and taking his meds properly. It started out where he needed little supervision and was still driving occasionally. Soon it progressed to where he needed a bit more supervision. He began taking more than a days worth of pills on a regular basis because he could not remember taking them prior and also had trouble remembering what day it was. We then started looking in on him daily to administer pills and we got meals on wheels for him. I suppose this started in 2009. Eventually he needed surgery for his left foot due to circulation problems and he was becoming more forgetful. He forgot people, places and things. Did
not remember his cardiologist of over 20 years. Would say things like," I have never been down this street before,." when in fact these were familiar roads near his home that he traveled frequently. He would ask repeatedly where we were going when he had a Dr. appt. His PCP gave him aricept, thinking it may help a bit and then, within 3 days, he called me asking if I knew where my mother was even though he has been divorced for 30+ years. He never took another aricept pill after that! He felt she had left him the day before and did not come back. For weeks we dealt with this...all the questions. Listened to him pleading with us to talk to her for him. He felt he had done SOMETHING to upset her. He left the porch light on for her always. In additon to these delusions, he often thought there were people who came and slept there at night and left in the mornig before he awoke. He wrote notes to these people instructing them to shut off the porch light when they came in. He would often make me go upstairs when I was there to check the bedrooms for these people. Last summer he called frantic, saying that some people had a party in his house last night without his permission and he needed some strong men to stay there so it didn't happen again. For two weeks we took turns staying with him to calm his fears about this. I moved many of my articles of clothing in along with toiletries necessary to go to work from there in case the need arose for someone to stay..Also, we identified he could not drive anymore and it was during these times described that we reached the conclusion. The van he drove was disabled in the garage and next we dealt with daily phone calls asking if we knew a good mechanic and calling everyone we could think of to come and give him a hand fixing his car. This went on for months. Neighbors and relatives had to be apprised of the situation so as not to lend any help to fix his vehicle no matter how much he pleaded. He began thinking that things he owned were missing and started to threaten to call the police to report things. We hid all his address and phone books so he had no resources to make these phone calls. His next delusion was that he needed to go to work. He had retired in 1993 but did not recall this information and started obsessing over needing to go to work. He feared he had made a huge mistake in retiring and he was convinced he had no money. HIs bills were handled by my brothers, one of which had power of attorney for several years prior. He demanded money all the time, and my brother would get him money, but he would hide it and then ask for more. We would have to go on a search for the money which was always difficult to find. If we could not find the money he demanded more. We removed his checkbook and kept an envelope of money in the house to quickly produce money if needed. We forwarded al of his mail to my brother and despite not getting mail for months, he wouold check the mailbox every day, sometimes more than once. He continued to cut the grass on a tractor despite his memory problems, and did a very thorough job of it! The phone calls came frequently and then more frequently.......One day he called the police and told them that his 22 yr old daughter (myself) was kidnapped by a salesman. The police came and he was a friend of the family so not much was done.....In the summer I took him for a Dr. visit and asked for documentation of his dementia thinking we would need outside help soon and would need a diagnosis on paper for social agencies to lend us some help. The Cat scan showed a stroke, small vessel disease etc...Lately, right after Thanksgiving, I called him and he was frantic saying he could not talk because he was calling my brother to take him "home." He started to believe he was in a cabin on vacation,and not at his home. For three weeks someone stayed with him around the clock providing 24 hr supervision. During this time he packed up nearly every day to "go home." He started sundowning and getting up at night and packing up to leave. I got a baby monitor so that when I was sleeping there, I could hear him if he awoke at night. If unatteded in this middle of the night he would make countless phone calls asking for help. His PCP put him on respirdal. This helped him sleep somewhat....Many days were spent driving him around looking for his home. Sometimes when we would return home, he would believe he was home for 10 min to an hour. He could not be left alone for any length of time. Once I went to the store for one hour and when I was gone he went to the neighbors to see if they could take him home. My sister came in from NJ to give me respite because I had been staying there since Thanksgiving. I found it increasingly difficullt to do my job due to the stress. My sister spent hours driving him around and "going home" since she had no idea what else to do. When she was packing up to leave he left the house, crossed the street and was on the neighbors porch tryiing to find out how to leave. He had begun to think there were people keeping him there and that he needed special papers to leave. My sister was beside herself, thinking she had done a poor job of looking after him. When she got him back in the house, and was blocking the door so he could not exit, he threatened to hit her. This was on a Monday, this past week. On Tuesday I took off work. I had an intermittent Family Leave in place that allowed me to do this and was set up in case of emergency with him We worked with a consulting agency who helped in placement of loved ones. Their fees are paid by the facility where placement occurs. She recommended two places. I visited them both on Tuesday. Set up an evaluation for Wednesday, and we moved him in on Thursday. His PCP goes there so the transition was seamless. He never balked at us packing up and going. Not even when we loaded his favorite recliner into my husbands van. He was happy because he thought he was going home. I never told him this, I just told him he was going to be able to leave finally and he was really happy that he was getting his wish. When he was evaluated by the facility he did express to them that the place where he was, was a beautiful place but it was not his home. Very sad. Watching my little Dad walk out of his home of 46 yrs down the sidewalk and to my husbands van was so heartbreaking.....it was the worst day of my entire life. I sobbed when he was gone.......uncontrollably. We took several cars, myself, my husband and my brothers, and checked him into the Nursing Home. He never even protested when we moved in his belongings, hung familiar pictures on his wall, and loaded his clothes on hangars in the closet. After 8 hours moving him in, eating a meal with him there, and signing countless papers, he said he was ready to go.....wanted to get back before dark and that it was getting late. We informed him we were leaving but he was staying. He mumbles something about being misunderstood. I think even in his confusion he knew hhis obsessions and delusions were the cause of his predicament. He seemed agitated and said angrily that if we were going....then to GO! We scurried out of his room like mice. It all seemed too easy.........
Now, I related here the circumstances that took us to the final decision to place my Dad. Does it not seem clear to anyone reading this that taking care of him at home had become increasingly unmanageable? We were very blessed that nothing happened to him in this period of time when his mind was deteriorating, is that not apparent to the reader? There was potential for disaster every day. He was a smoker and I saw more than 3 cigs lit at a time sometimes in various places. He could have burned down the house. He was operating heavy machinery cutting grass sometimes without supervision this past summer. The combination of a gas can to fill the gas tank of a tractor and a lit cigarette is a recipe for disaster. Is this not so? Anyone reading this is asking themselves,"What took you people so long to make this decision?" .....and here is my answer.
Any time we suffer loss, we go through stages until we get to acceptance. Denial, Anger, bargaining, depression come first. During these difficult years I experienced them all. And moving between these stages is not clear cut. We jump from denial to anger to depression and between these stages often before we ever get to acceptance. If we truly love someone, and we identify that they have become a danger to themselves, and not only to themselves but to others, then we are forced to act. Many times we see the situation as manageable in different capacities. Some of these ways we manage are doable, but while they are in motion, our own relationships are beig torn apart. The damage done to relationships we are absent from, after a time, can truly be irrepairable. We all have our limits. We have to identify those limits while we are caregiving. For me, when I saw that my father was in danger, and my sister as well, being that he was so agitated it was the end of the rope for me. Additionally, when I saw the relationship with my husband, my children and my friends suffering, I knew it was time. After all, how ironic is it to bend over backwards to keep your parent in their own home when they no longer believe they are at home anyway? It is true sometimes we extend situations past the time because we are still stuck in denial. I feel fortunate that God stayed with us, answered our prayers, gave us strength and lent protection to all of my family and my Father through this difficult time.Everyone's situation is different, but I still think it will be known to us when the limit has been reached. When you can no longer do a good job at work, when you can no longer get a good night's sleep, and when the care of your loved one reaches a point where it would cost more to keep them in their own home with paid caregiivers than to take them to a facility where they will be safe., then it is time.
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I was 25 when my mom went to live in a nursing home. She had cancer and I was working full time supporting myself. My mom was 60 when she passed away but she adapted quite well.
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I am so sorry for the struggle and pain of those who place their loved ones in a residential home with such ambivalent feelings.I think it would be easier if it could be seen as one of a number of alternatives rather than a last resort. My husband has Lewy Body Dementia and so far needs help with dressing, bathing, toileting at times. His cognitive t right now. We are visiting dementia care units together now and plan to use the one we select for respite care when available, so that when the time comes that he needs more care than I am able to give he will be familiar with the place and the people. I am fortunate that he is an extremely rational man and that we have always been able to discuss things openly. I have been told that people often adjust best when they enter a care place before they lose all cognitive function and can still understand the reasons for the move. I do strongly believe that it's important to consider the needs of everyone involved so that one person's misfortune doesn't become that for everyone involved. Whatever the decision, I hope that guilt plays no part in it. We do the best we can in difficult situations, and taking care of ourselves as well as the ones we love is important.
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Ruby, I went through the same as you and made the same decision in August. Mine was beyond her criticism of others, but the "I need you" broken record is still happening, although, sad and desperate, she cannot speak coherently otherwise. When I experience how I feel after 2 hours of visiting, I know I made the right decision at the right time. Still recovering.
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RUBY:

Thank you!
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Dianne, you are right. There is nothing else you can do for both her safety and your own well being. It sounds like your only reasonable choice at this point and one that can be free of guilt which is a terrible burden. Take care of yourself and see that your mother is cared for without throwing yourself under the bus.
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My 88 year old mother has dementia. She and I live in the same house, but she went into the yard without her walker, fell, and broke her ankle in three places, requiring surgery. She has not been the same since. After discharge from the hospital, she was sent to a NH for rehab. She adapted surprisingly well after an initial meltdown, and was discharged temporarily until she could be weight bearing. Then her therapy would resume. Shortly after coming home, she started going downhill--not eating, becoming agitated and extremely anxious. I was no longer able to assist her to the commode and wheelchair by myself and took her back to the NH so she could rebuild her strength. Her dementia has advanced rapidly. I would guess her to be in Stage 6 dementia. I do not feel I can provide the proper care for her at home when her therapy is complete and must consider the possibility of long term care. My stress level was becoming unmanageable, and I began to develop clinical depression. Mom wants to come home so badly, but she needs 24/7 care. I am also unemployed and looking for a job, so I do need to work and cannot afford to pay someone to stay with her when I am not at home. I hate the thought of long term care, but I don't know what else to do--for her safety and my sanity and health.
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Jackie, what kind of help would it take to get your lives back while your mom is still living with you? Would it help if she went to a day program several days a week? How about if you had a granny-sitter one night and weekends? What if she went to a nice place that offers respite care while you and hubby go on a vacation? I don't know what she does with her SS $ now, but it seems reasonable to me that most of it could be used for these kinds of things.

It sounds like your mother has some degree of dementia. You say that she can't remember anything. Is this worse now than three years ago? It is likely it will continue to worsen, and the point may come where you simply cannot meet her needs in your home. You are planning ahead for your own future and you sound realistic as you face the future. I think it might be good to start planning for your mother's future, while you don't have to operate in crisis mode. I suggest looking into Medicaid for her. Find out what you need to do for her to apply. What services might she be eligible for while she is still living in the community? Does your state have some kind of an elderly waiver program the supports elders living in the community? Call the department of aging. See what is available to your mom, now, and in the event that placement in a care center is necessary in the future. As you say, there may be no "Answer" but I think you can find many small answers that will help reduce the stress. Work on it. You deserve it!
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Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. You are so right on on every level and we're working towards finding her a place, but here in the U.S. we get very little in the way of help. You have to be ultra rich to get any good help or support. It's sad and embarrassing. But it is what it is and we're doing our best to find a solution. Again, thanks for your wise words!
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Gosh jackieb, do you live in the States? I ask because here in New Zealand the government look after the elderly through subsidies as long as their assets aren't more than $200,000 if they are they must pay nearly $1000 per week for full time care, which I think is reasonable because that includes everything. I mean it when I say I do know how you feel, sometimes when my mother was good and sweet (not often) I still felt completely trapped. Everytime we looked at going to the movies or out for dinner she would get sick conveniently. At night she would call out did you lock the doors...yes....are you sure....yes...but I can feel a draft...it goes on. The worst time I found was the morning, it was routine with me getting up and her saying oh good are we getting up now...it doesn't sound like anything to get annoyed about, but from there the day was hiddeous as she wrote out lists of things to shop for, which i had to take her. My back is a mess from the constant lifting of her wheelchair in and out of the truck. I could never just go and get the groceries I had to take her and attach a special trolley to her wheelchair, and listen to her say don't forget the beans...30 sec later...don't forget the beans...and this went on right through the supermarket. I just wanted to run out the place and leave her there.

The guilt is crippling, and it makes you sick, physically and emotionally. I have suffered the worst headaches in my life, and I am always tired. Your body and mind are in a constant stress state because you are living a life you shouldn't be. I have just about called it quits with my husband because we fight, mainly because my mother pits us against eachother, and I find out what she said to him, and vice versa and I feel so hurt. It is a nightmare, and in your situation, I can only give my opinion, but what is the use in having money put aside for the years ahead, when you need to use that money now to enjoy your life? Putting money away for your years ahead we all want to be secure and financially ok in later years, but money isn't everything, your health, your relationship, and most importantly your sanity is what matters, enjoy your lives now, put her in a home, give yourselves a break and enjoy the now. If there has been one thing I have learnt this year after living through 2 of the worst natural disasters that killed many people in this country, that you only have the now...tomorrow just might not happen, and whats the point of being the richest people in the cemetery? This is only my opinion for what its worth, I so understand what you're going through...much luck to you xx
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What about the mother who didn't make ones life hell. My 93 year old mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I three years ago. She was a very good mother and is basically still very sweet. But she has "spells" where she cries for her husband and talks to herself about how we "just don't care". She's obsessed with where are two dogs and cat are at all times..she walks with her grandmothers cane (thumping about) calling for them, sometimes in the middle of the night. She has an appetite and takes an hour to finish breakfast. She forgets everything. If we want to go out for dinner she asks where we're going, what time are we going to be back, are the doors locked, where are the animals. I write on a board in her room things like "We'll be back at 8:00, or I went to the market, or the animals are all in the house....but sometimes she forgets to read the board and we come home she's crying and in a state of confusion. She has no bathroom issues yet, she has a half bath in her room and handles herself in that department, so we're grateful for that. It's just that we've been on a short leash for SO LONG! And even though she's slowing down and dementia is creeping in, she's basically healthy! She could live to 100...I don't know if I can take that. We want our lives back and at this point we have guilt for wanting her to pass, albeit peacefully in her sleep (best case scenario) but wishing for someone to die is not a pleasant emotion. She has a lovely room and all her needs met, but she's not happy and we hear her muttering this fact to herself often. She asks God for answers..."why are you keeping me here?" "I want to be with my husband", "They just don't care" etc. Then later she'll take my hand and tell me how grateful she is for all we do for her. The stress of being on a leash is reflecting in our marriage, fights break out, crying, etc. But then, the thought of taking her to a nursing home seems impossible! We are not poor, but we have our own expenses and she only gets $750 from social security. We cannot afford to put her in a place that we'd be comfortable with...the GUILT is crippling. There is no other children and my husband has no siblings. We are utterly alone in this. My husband is good with money and is putting money aside for the years ahead, but we cannot spend it on a nursing facility for her and then be left high and dry in our later years. We've never been so up against a wall and living in a depressed situation. I guess I'm just writing this to vent...there is no answer that I can see.
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Good for you, rubyikat! Hang tough!

It might be a good idea to not visit every day at first, to let her get settled. You could ask the care staff for advice on that.

I think the situation you describe -- "my mother has made my life hell all my life" -- is probably a little different from one where the mother has been nurturing, supportive, and always acting in the child's best interests. If the mother's mean behavior is a big change in personality and is due to factors beyond her control, like dementia, I think my attitude would be a little different. But even in that case there is a limit as to what one individual can do, and there may come a time when a professional staff is needed.

Good luck.
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Yesterday I put my mother into care. I had reached the end of my teether well actually had gone past the end of anything, and I'm sorry to say I couldn't get her in fast enough, and couldn't even stay with her the afternoon to settle her because of the tears and you've just got rid of me comments. I had always thought I would never be like that, I literally ran out of the place, which by the way is gorgeous.

My story is like many I started out with the best of intentions promised my mother that I would never put her in a home and that I wanted to share this time with her etc etc...blah blah...OMG...it has been like living in a nightmare. Im 45 and felt like I'd been given a life sentence. Day in and day out I spent with my mother reminising over the past and her listing all those who'd done her wrong, namely my father...day in day out I ran after her from early morning till night, and even then I couldnt sit down because she wanted me to sit with her and bitch about those she'd already bitched about earlier.

I've felt truly helpless, hopeless, depressed, angry...the list goes on and its all negative. After being up all night last week with her vomiting and other nasties, I was cleaning and soaking sheets, towels and her undies...and I think a lightbulb went on above my head. I thought hang on, here I am soaking my elderly mothers undies, it was a beautiful day outside, what the hell am I doing.
She blamed me for her upset stomach and reckoned I gave her dodgy fruit...

Well something snapped in me...probably my sanity whatever is left of that! I said to her that's it, I can't do this, Ive tried my best, you need full time care, and I need to find my life again. I knew I had to act quick because the manipulation started immediately...she pulled every stunt in the book to make me feel terrible, from abandonment, to betrayel, to how could you, you name it shes said it. But I've stuck with it, because I deserve a life too.

I will go in to see her today and I can imagine the hell I'm going to get, but actually I've taken control of my life, she can jump up and down and cry, or whatever. I am important too. My life is important, my future is important. Our mothers know us so well and can push our buttons like noone else can, it is like a battle, my mother has made my life hell all my life, as from now, she no longer has that power, because I won't give it to her.
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Hey Lindy,
That's what they are there for. You cannot ruin your physical and or mental health by trying to do something that is too much. Would your parent want you to do that?
You can also place them temporarily, as a respite for you, so you can recuperate and see how the facility does for them.
Give yourself a break, have a good cry, realize you are a good daughter and that you are only human. You are doing a good job. Get some help!!! {{{ HUGS!!}}}
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My family and I have had similar experiences. I promised Mom years ago that we would never put her in a nursing home but I didn't know what I was saying. She developed Altzheimer's which is rapidly progressing. She had some kind of attack that put her in the hospital and my father, husband and I finally realized we could not provide adequate care. I believe the reason she did not pass when she had the attack was because we had a home health care aide who was with her at the time. We thought about having the aide full time but we realized this level of care was still not enough. So, she went from the hospital to the nursing home. We have since had to move her to another care facility as the first one became less and less responsive to her needs (they became extremely understaffed and the management is under investigation by their Corporate office). We have wrestled with bringing her back home and fiinally realized that we can't even bring her for a visit much less bring her here to live. So we moved her to a new place without skilled nursing but a specialization in Altzheimer's. So far, the new place is working out well and we all feel less guilty and more confident that she is getting much better care than we could ever provide for her at home. The downside is the cost which is far more than the first facility. It's just so difficult and I feel for all of you. I think the hardest part is trying to make sure that we're taking into account not only what's in the best interest of our loved one but also what's in the best interest of the rest of the caregivers/family. God bless you and help you with these tough choices.
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In my case, it took my mother falling and having to go to the hospital. I than realized I couldn't keep her safe in my home, no matter what I did. She knew she couldn't walk without the walker, but would just get up and walk anyway. I would have to have her in my sight constantly, so the decision was made for me.
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Sending good vibes your way, Carla and Doyle. And to jeanne too.

Yesterday I told my Dad that he needs to keep moving; that if he is unable to walk himself around, I will need to move him to someplace that can accommodate him safely, because we wouldn't be able to do that here. I had looked at places for him in NC, where he lived for 24 years. I haven't done the research here for anything beyond assisted living (and by the time he can't live here, he will be beyond assisted living). I think, and I say this from the safe side of the fence, that the thing is being clear about what the boundaries are for home care, before they get crossed. I wonder what I will say when he reaches the point of being beyond my capacity to care for him?
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