tugarjd Asked June 2010

Should my husband and I pay my mom for living with and caring for her?

Follow
Share

When we moved in 3 years ago to care for mother and my step-dad, we gave them $350/month to help on bills and food. When my brother found out that we were doing this, he told my mother we should not be paying her...that she should be paying us. This made her so mad. We stopped giving her this money because my brother thought it was just terrible. I continued to feel guilty and mother would make rude comments about us not helping out. So, we started giving her $200.00/month and we also buy groceries all during the month to help out and buy some foods that my husband and I like. The other day, she told me we weren't helping her enough. Her bank statements always shows an increase in her monthly balance. She is doing financially well. She's 83 and has a very negative dispostion, but she has lots of health problems. We will continue to give her the money because I get tired of her making me feel guilty. What do most people do...pay or not pay their parents?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
17

Answers

Show:
faithful Aug 2010
First of all , I commend you and your husband for stepping up and taking care of your parents , however, YOU moved in with her --- so that means you don't have mortgage/rent , electric/gas ,trash removal ,phone and etc... bills .Of course you should be paying her . If not to help with bills then just out of common decency . I took care of my mom through cancer and my father through his dementia and even though it gets hard at times we should never take advantage of our parents' age or illnesses.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

deefer12 Jul 2010
If your Mom had moved in with you, you could be charging her for room and board! So you should be able to be compensated for living with and taking care of her. Of course that all depends on how much you actually have to do for her. Does she have dementia and need constant care, or does she just want someone around so she is not alone? I agree that most of her $ would be gone in no time if she were in a nursing home.
Are either you or your husband also holding down a job? There are so many variables to consider. Please give more info on your situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

IsabelCares Jul 2010
Isn't that the truth debmed1256? That was uplifting to just read that a sibling would stand up on behalf of the primary caregiver in such a way. That is one understanding sibling of what all a caregiver faces day in and day out. If only others understood as much about caregiving!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

debmcd1256 Jul 2010
Wow! I still can't get past reading that your brother is supportive in his position that mom should be paying you! Too few siblings like that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

IsabelCares Jul 2010
Amen, Lilliput!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

toadballet1 Jul 2010
I had to read your post several times to make sure I was getting it right. If you are providing all this wonderful TLC...stop paying her now. Get some local estimates for in-home or paid caregiving and tell her that you are "even Steven." (in fact, you are probably still getting the short end.) Whatever you would pay in rent to live there is a pittance compared to the care you are providing if they had to pay for it. If she fusses, hand her the brochures to all the lovely assisted living centers and see how little they offer "for free."
Woweeee....I thought I had heard it all. Note to Elders: let's be a little more grateful for caring family members by honoring and respecting them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

LynnPO Jul 2010
DJ - The two of you are selfless and have gone above and beyond for your parents. I'm sure all of us here admire your generosity but...perhaps it's time you and your husband started thinking about YOURSELVES and consider moving your living parents to assisted living. Once the health issues of parents start to increase the risk of injury to them and TO YOU increases. Can you get them up off the floor without injury to yourself? Can you get them in/out of the tub? For the sake of your own health when you are their age, perhaps it's best that someone else provide the medical care now. You can still visit regularly, take them out, tend to them but you'll be able to enjoy their company and spend better time if someone else does all the physical tending. The constant stress of such care giving, worrying about repairs and manipulating to keep mom happy (doing a major repair in 4 days??!!) ages us considerably - and we don't realise it until years later. If you lived in the same place for 43 years and gave it up, that means you're at last 43+18 or 20, retirement age. I'm not that age but realize now that I have bad sciatic nerve problems and bulging disks - all because I insisted that I could lift mom in and out of her wheelchair, the tub and car. I'll suffer with it for another 30 years.... it's okay to think of yourselves, your kids and grandkids need some of your time and attention too. Spend as much time on the future!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

susan63 Jul 2010
Oh DJ you and your husband really are saints. You didn't mention it but it sounds like you both need a break. Please find home health that could come in for just a day like maybe 10 hours and go have some fun! I really think your Mom might change her tune if she saw what you do.
I don't know your financial situation but she really should be paying YOU if it doesn't create a severe hardship for her. Goodness what about your financial future? I know money is such a touchy issue for all of us.

Even if your mother never appreciates one thing you do, you will recieve your reward in heaven.

Please take a break for your own sanity! God Bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

tugarjd Jul 2010
Hi, Emerald4me and Susan63: I do everything here at mother's that I would do at my own home, clean the house, cook the meals, shop for groceries, take mother to lots of doctor visits, take her to the Senior Center and visits with friends, etc. I have to hold her hand or arm when she walks, fill her insulin needles several times a day, organize her medicine and now give it to her, etc. My husband does all the outside yard work as well as helps vacuum, laundry, grocery shops, trash, helps his parents during the week with some of their household, yard, and doctor's needs, too. So, we both are doing for two sets of parents. My mother, though, is the most needy because she has so many health problems. I'm tired just reading what I just wrote. Plus, mother is very negative. Thank you so much for your comments to me.

For Dee: Mother would pass out before she paid me anything for helping her. She does buy my $1.00 McDonald's hamburgers, fries, and a senior drink sometimes or gives my husband some money to help pay on our meal when we eat out, which is usually only on Sunday.

Hi, LynnPo: My step-dad did pass away from alzheimer's two years ago. We have lived here 3 years. We gave up everything where we had lived for 43 years...our home, our daughter and grandsons, our jobs, our church and friends...so they wouldn't have to go to a nursing home. Mother isn't able now to cook, clean, take care of her medicines, or do many basic things. She can't see well, her balance is getting bad, and she has seizures and insulin dependent diabetes. Things are getting worse all the time. Thank you for you response.


For Looney: Thank you for you email. My step-dad didn't like my husband doing anything at home, but he had alzheimer's, so we thought that was his problem with it all. Mother never compliments my husband's work in the yard, but the neighbors do and friends do. Plus, he is battling prostate cancer and we have that to worry about, too. Thanks for your response.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

IsabelCares Jun 2010
djnorris, by asking her to "give you a certain amount," I meant asking her to tell you the dollar amount she wants from you. I didn't mean "give" in a literal sense.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Related
Articles

Related
Questions