What can I do if we have elderly parents who are being taken advantage of by one son?

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I hope someone can help me clarify this situation, what the potential outcomes are, and the best course of action. We have elderly parents who are being taken advantage of by one son, Jim. For the past 20 years, Jim has never been able to grow up, in spite of being married & divorced, married again & widowed, and now he's living w/someone. He has custody of 2 children, and a 3rd lives with his ex-wife.
He has refused any type of self-improvement. Turned down a FREE college education to play video games. Gave up a well-paying job as as a trucker with a CDL because he didn't like being away from home. Most of his "career" has been delivering soft drinks & beer to quick-marts.
We estimate based on how much we think he's been given in recent years that his monthly shortfall is about $600-700. He & his common-law wife smoke 2+ packs a day, and she's now on disability for her emphysema and COPD and yes, still puffing away. And frankly her disability check is the only time she's ever managed to have an income, so kudos to her for her deathly habit - at least it's paid off! The children get SS survivor benefits, a few hundred each month. So their actual income is probably around around or just under $30K/year for a family of four - minus the child support that they state garnishes from his paycheck.
The parents have already declared bankruptcy once. This past year my husband and I hired a lawyer because although they cannot declare bankruptcy again, their income cannot be attached by any creditor because it's all disability, SS, and military retirement. Their creditors cannot get a dime. This also means they no longer have any credit available to them. We thought the lack of credit might force them to cut Jim off. Alas, they now give him their cash, and then call us when they can't afford groceries or meds.
I want to at least refuse all financial assistance no matter how painful to watch. I'd like to force my mother-in-law to finally say NO. (She and Jim are in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship and my father-in-law has early dementia so cannot get between them to protect himself.) However, I told my husband that they ONLY reason I don't call APS is because it's his mother and I feel like he & his other brother should make that call. If this were happening to total strangers, I'd call APS.
Also, I fear that if this all unravels, the children will end up in foster care, or the question will be asked if we would take them. Nobody in the family is emotionally or financially prepared to start all over again with young children.
It's just the worst situation all the way around. I'd like to think if Jim's world came crashing down, he'd grow up and do something about it. But I don't believe that would happen.
I have already made it clear that NO MORE money is leaving our home for this problem. I have a senior in high school and I need to prepare to help him get out into the world. I have another that's a sophomore. I'll soon have four people with driver's licenses but only two cars. We need reliable transportation because my children are expected to work and contribute. I work at a start-up that like all start-ups is fragile in this economy. My husband works in a not-for-profit. Things are tight! I can't fail my own family just because Jim always fails his. And yet I'm letting the fear of the potential outcomes hang over me and prevent me from acting... help...

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Thank you for your incredible honesty about your family's situation. This has to be difficult to share and it took courage. It's clear that you are at the end of your rope. As difficult as this is for you, you are absolutely right when you say that you can't fail your own family because your brother-in-law always fails his. Your number one priority MUST be your husband and your children. That being said, these types of issues are happening all over the country and I was just helping another woman with a similar situation. This is financial elder abuse. There is no other way to describe it. Your husband needs to make a decision and act on behalf of his parents. The thing is that APS won't be able to do much if the family decides not to press charges. The court won't be able to step nor will the DA's office. Charges have to be filed against Jim. The problem with this is that it sounds like your in-laws are giving money willingly. Is this is the case, then you can't really do anything unless your in-laws are being threatened or intimidated into giving the money each month. It's a horrible situation.

You and your husband should sit down and figure out together how as a family you want to handle Jim. I'm not sure why the children would go to foster care when they have a mother. I assume that's equally as complicated. You can't let your fear about "what might happen" guide your decision making. Fear is sometimes described as False Evidence Appearing Real and when it takes over, it's almost impossible to make rationale decisions. I strongly recommend that you move into action mode and begin with a meeting with your husband and maybe his older brother. Create a definitive plan and decide that you will not enable your in-laws with any more money after they have given theirs to Jim. Your husband needs to calmly tell his parents that they cannot come to you for money because they have given theirs away. Begin by stopping the enabling process on all fronts. This will not be easy. Changing the cycle is not easy, but the only person who is getting exactly what he wants is Jim.

Just to be clear: This is a form of elder abuse and it's addiction to a cycle that does not work and cannot continue to work. Take care of your own family first. Your husband and his older brother need to intervene. I hope this helps.
There are several problems involved in your question. When that occurs the only way to proceed is to prioritize. Which is number one, number two, etc. If number one is the elderly parents then you might consider a Conservatorship (some states) or a Guardianship (other states.Your first step is to go toL egal AidRight now I am having to stop because the system is not allowing me to proof read. Bye.e

Planeman
In Ohio the have "Elder Abuse" program...that's includes, verbal, mental, physical and financial abuse...check your local programs and they will come out and access the problem...sometimes a third party can make elders understand better than family.
Long story short.....my Father passed away 4 years ago,,my younger brother lived with them his whole life,,,even committed bankruptcy while living in their home and not working... During the course of closing up my Dads burial,,,Mom was asked to sign many documents. It was later discovered by me,,,that she no longer owned her home,,,she signed it over to her son,,,along with Dad's Hummer ,,insurance annuity's and even made himself Trading Agent on her investment accounts. He changed beneficiary's putting himself 100% ... I was very close with my Mom for my entire life and know by her own admission she didn't give him everything ,,,nor did she know he got her house somehow... She also was on alot of medication which she is no longer on at that time,,,it was told to me and in medical reports her son was trying to have her deemed incompetent on a regular basis... It got so bad during this time because I suspected he was intimidating her with violence,,,the police where called to her house on 3 occasions for "Screaming " coming from the house where the 2 of them lived. finally my brother did everything to keep me out,,,even pulling a stunt of threatening me through her ,,,that I couldn't take her to her doctor appointments or he would hurt me ,,,,so my Mom started to call me stating "You better not come to take me today to Doctor so and so because it's not safe... bottom line things got so bad Mom had to come live with me but while she was at my house he ended up selling her house without ever telling us...All her belongings where gone,,,he even gave her burial plot away to his older brother who is trying to use it as Extortion of $200,000. or she doesn't get buried with my Dad... Finally Mom filed a police complaint,,,,my brother was arrested on 7 felony counts ... Problem is he had political strings being pulled and I kinda knew it from the beginning as the DA was not acting right at all... Even the Detective on the case admitted they where playing politics and wanted her to come in and take a statement to throw out all the charges a year after his arrest to close the matter up... We finally thought we were going to have our day in court,,,, well Mom never even got to go before the judge because this DA who was suppose to be for her ,,,took her in a room prior to this hearing ALONE and told me and a friend that came along to push Mom in her chair since I am disabled myself also ...and when he tried to take her in for questioning prior to the hearing I asked to be with her ,,,,because I was afraid of what might be said without a witness and second her health and someone to monitor that while they put her through this drill ,,,,my friend that was pushing her in her chair asked to go in since they denied me because I could potentially be a witness later down the road,,,,and they denied my friend too,, so they took my Mom alone with me and my friends outside the witness room,,,as we listened ,,,she clearly told the DA 3 times "I did NOT GIVE my son the house "" nor did I give him all these other things he is claiming I did.... I thought it was going well and then he got up and went across the hallway into the courtroom ,,,called the head DA in and she asked my Mother something ,,,only this time we couldn't hear any words being said,,,,she comes out of the room and I already saw my brother the creep leaving the courthouse. this woman said to me it's over your Mother said she could have given the house to him,,,,???? She said initially before all this went down she could have left him the house ,,,,but not until after her death because he lived there and was such a looser both my parents were worried he wouldn't have a roof over his head.... So some $315,000. later he took ,,,,they dismissed him. ???? I am outraged and so is everyone that was there that day.... besides the fact no one was allowed in that room with her and she could have suffered a heart attack or stroke since she was so nervous and stressed....she has hypertension ,,,Parkinson's and a resected bowel from cancer...and recently developed ... They had her sworn complaint to the detective a year prior and an audio tape taken the same day. On that tape all she could say is how afraid she was of her son... Understand I was POA when my Dad was alive and he actually wrote his and her wills ,,,but at some point my brother got her signature making him POA , but at the time he sold her home or hummer he had been revoked as POA . The Detective felt it was a rock solid case ,,,,until she called me and told me they where playing politics and she didn't like it,,,,there were 4 different Judges with every 2 months they asked for a continuance,,, We believe they were hoping my Mother's memory would decline along with her health since she has a slow growing thyroid cancer..... I feel along with many others my Mother was victimized all over again at the hand of an evil DA. I might add on one of those calls to the Police my Mother's neighbors made for screaming coming from her house ,,,it was found my brother punched my Mother's headboard missing her by an inch in trying to intimidate her into signing some papers first thing in the morning when he woke her up... He broke his right hand and went into work that day second shift and pulled insurance fraud saying he fell out of the truck on the job,,,,
This is an outrage !!!! My poor Mother lost everything ,,,all her belongings,,,,stuff from her 50th wedding anniversary ... Never to see her things again,,,,and they found most of the stuff in his new house he brought with her money . He got what he planed to get and hasn't seen my Mom in over 3 years....nice son. I believe my Mother's Civil Rights weren't even protected,,, no one will even return calls,,,,even now the Detective came on board to their politics she said she didn't play..... It's a disgrace ......Any advice ??? I have been trying to care for my Mother for 3 years and I have lupus so it's been a real struggle,,,, but we have no one else . I really didn't think they could throw 7 felony's out and send her on her Merry way to tell her and you go home with your daughter and have a joyous Christmas,,,,, What a disgrace..... Is there no justice ???
Who can i go to if my78 yr old mother whos an elderly is being taken advantage by her husband who is 50 yrs old and till this day hasent provided the family with a certificate of mariage.
Mexox, if you suspect fraud, you call the police.

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