How do I deal with a parent who won't let go of controlling everything even though she knows things need to done?

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My mother has always been in control and now I'm trying to get things in order like a living trust but she won't go sign the papers because too much is going on. I've tried to not take over but when is enough enough? The only way I can deal with is if a drink. which is not good. Also, my husband is seriously ill and he needs my as much as she does. So who do I choose?

Answers 1 to 2 of 2
You don't have to chose; you can do both, but think your husband who is seriously ill come first. I don't know what you mean by too much is going on and your mother will not sign papers. You need to elaborate on exactly what is going on. If your mother is a controlling person and won't let you do what needs to be done, just tell her you will get a court appointed guardian for her as you are trying your best, but your husband needs you and she needs to cooperate.

You didn't mention if she has any dementia; so if she is just being her normal controlling self, she has to understand that you can't do it all if she is uncooperative and that is where a court appointed guardian comes in. You don't really want to go that route, but controlling people have to understand that they have to relinquish that control if they need help and it can't always be "their way". Take care.
Choose your husband.

It sounds like you have done your best to help your mother with legal matters. Having a stroke doesn't automatically render people incapable of making their own decisions. For whatever reasons she has decided to drag her feet on certain things you think she should take care of. Her life, her decisions. All you can do is your best to help, and that has already been done. Maybe if you back off she'll come around to doing them, when she's had some time to absorb her new status and when it can seem like her idea. Or maybe not.

I hope that this is not an absolute either/or -- that you will have to totally neglect one to take care of the other. But I do understand that you cannot be fully there for both.

My husband has dementia and congestive heart failure among other conditions. My 92-y-o mother has mild cognitive impairment and very severe arthritis. And I know without any doubt at all that I could not "do both." Somedays I am overwhelmed just "doing" my husband. Just because I love them both does not magically turn me into Super Caregiver. Fortunately several of my sibs are able/willing to pick up the slack with Mother. I am extremely grateful, but even if I were an only child, I would not be able to give my mother the attention/help/support she needs and also take care of my husband. Sorry, but sometimes you really cannot do everything. Is there anyone else in your mother's life who could look after her a bit?

If mother has a lawyer, explain the situation to him or her, and then drop out for a while. Focus on your life partner. If your mother truly is legally incompetent to manage her own affairs, then some drastic measures might be in order. But declining to sign trust papers is hardly evidence of total imcompetency so unless there is more along those lines, you may just have to let her make her own decisions, on her own timeline.

Choose your husband.

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