How do you deal when a parent doesn't use funds for the right purposes?

Yea i agree!! i went out everynight for 3 years after working all day to grocery shop, clean, cook, help him to bed, write bills, ect. i gave notice after going to a caregivers group and therapy for a year now. i go out and visit but i makes me mad at him - he complains he doesn't get exercise and help but doens't want to hire anyone he can't "afford" it. anyways it felt good to get it out!! I love him and i understand the stupid rules but it doesn't make it right for him to do this but he's been like this his whole life. I have been tempted to report him but in the end i realize he's making his choices and i have to make mine. thanks!

My sister has the same problem with my father. He expects her to come over every night after work. I'm a bit off the hook because I live far away. I think it's reasonable to set expectations and boundaries. Grocery shopping and a visit once or maybe twice a week and maybe a phone call daily is probably o.k., but every night, no. My dad phones my sister at least 5 times a day whining for her to come over. We know he's lonely, but he won't move and won't pay anyone to come in, even though he could afford it. Rather have my sister do it for free. Good luck.

It's amazing how much phrases like "and then [he] makes you feel bad" come up on this forum. Our parents getting older seems like a time in which WE need to grow up and take responsibility for our own feelings and actions, which would make us less vulnerable to manipulation. If spending all my money on whatever I liked and then acting like other people should fill in the gap for me WORKED, I might be tempted to do it too.

OMG! Really? Outrageous!

If I were one of the kids, I would not do for free what he is receiving funds to pay someone to do.

Unless there is some really compelling extenuating circumstance here, like he uses the cash for a drug he could not otherwise afford, I might even be tempted to report his behavior to the funding source.

Smile I am glad you brought up that subject -many elders think that they need to save money to leave after they die and are very tightfisted but they do not realoze that if they need complete care the money will be taken for nursing home care and they need to spend the money that they have or get as your father does for their care-some do not realize how hard it is to care for a person who lives alone-my husband told everyone I did not do much for him-the only time he used his hands were to eat. You need to set boundaries -start cutting back the time you spend decide how often you need to shop once a week or every other week whichever you decide and he needs to do more or hire-you would not report him but a nosey neighbor might and he could be in legal trouble and lawyers are not cheap-it is up to your sister what she does you can only control you. Let us know how it turns out we learn from each other on this form -I am glad you are going to a caregivers support group-I go to one to assist caregivers even though I am a former caregiver-I know the mistakes I made and at times can help those is the hard job of caregiving.

You really can't do much unless they are declared incompetent and you are appointed their legal guardian.
The amount of money my mother has wasted over the past decade on QVC is shocking.

All very good points. The problem i have is that he has no personal money, but has state funds to help with things. He uses it for other things instead of what its intended. He has found away around the system but then complains he doesn't get the exercise and night help like he needs. I've had very frank talks with him but no changes. He's 57 so i can't take away his rights and i figure its his life to live with how he handles it. We all have choices. His choice is to do nothing but complain. He says i spend too much time at my real job and fiance. It will bite him in the butt at some point. It doesn't make me happy to see him go even further down hill. But i realized after 3 years of giving it my all...i had to take care of me too. Its great to be able to vent here. thank you!

Depending on where the senior lives, in-home health services for cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc. may be available at no charge. There are financial criteria the recipient must meet in order to qualify. Relatives, friends and neighbors who are getting hooked into being free labor need to ask the person if they would be willing to accept help in the home if there is no charge. If they say "yes", then the relative or friend needs to spend some time finding out if they qualify for city, county, state or federal assistance to maintain independent living. Local directories under your county and state will list local aging agencies that you can call that will answer your questions. If a senior has "resources" NOT to include a car and home, and those resources exceed about $5,000, they are expected to spend that money first, before relying on government assistance. Once they are down to $5,000 in savings, they should be eligible for in-home help, which is usually 2-3 times a week. If the person needs medical attention for any kind of therapy or wound treatment, the person's doctor can order a home health agency in to assess needs under Medicare, Medicaid, or private insurance. For socialization, find local senior centers that have activities, and accompany them there the first time or two. These centers can be hot beds of activities for all levels of interest and abilities. Transportation can be provided by senior centers, handicapped services or senior transportation agencies. Making some calls to find out what is available is the first step.

Unless a parent is deemed incompetent they can spend their money as they see fit. We just went thru this with my father-in-law who "blew" thru over $600,000 in just under 5 years. He bought new cars for himself and his girlfriend, took many trips which he paid for, paid everytime they went out to eat, and paid her to come clean his house which was a joke. There was nothing we could do to stop him. He would always say - it's my money and I will spend it the way I want to. And he did. Good luck !!

That was very insightful and very much needed. Thanks! My father has Always been one of those people who think the gov't is out to get you and your $. My brother and i have tired to explain how it would be better to be in town. But he doesn't want to be a city person living in an apartment. He doesn't own his own home. He was in an accident when he was 47 and has a spinal cord injury can't use legs. He blames the hospital. He blames all sorts of things. I tired to line up the new evaluation. He wanted to ride horses. I got ahold of therapy ranches - then he tells me he doesn't want to use my time- even though i tell him i want too. I'm someone who follows through with what i say and he hides behind excuses. He is someone who knows how to manipulate others always has been.
I offer to pay for an exercise class for mom - no she doesn't want too. She does go to church but doesn't have any friends from there. She has no friends but she's a fun person. She is 57 and says she's done with life. won't go to a therapist - i offered to pay go with anything. i talk to her every week. I see her once a week or every other week. She wants to know when i'm moving back so we can live together. Yet she's happy i am engaged but not really since she has to "share" me. She moved to be closer to her grandkids with the $800 she had a few years ago. live with her son and get a job. Didn't work out so she moves back to my place and winds up staying a year. She has her own place and i want to see her happy but i am tired that its all on my shoulders- which i know its not my responsibility anymore but i hurt for her. I hurt for my dad. I'm tired of hearing what they don't want to do.
Thank you thank you thank you! i'm trying to remember that!