My mom is receiving hospice and is in the preactive stage of dying. She isn't afraid to die, but is frightened. What do I say to her when she talks about dying?

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My mom is now living with my husband and I with the assistance of hospice. I believe she is in the preacitve death stage and I don't know to say to her when she talks about dying? She is not afraid to die but is frightened. I've discussed her seeing my dad again, meeting her maker etc, but anyone have any words of real comfort.

Answers 1 to 10 of 25
Moushiel, you could talk to your mother in a language of faith which represents her beliefs. This would give her strength and comfort. Some ( maybe even most?) people who are in hospice and close to dying never bring up the subject of dying. Your mother has, so this gives you the green light to talk about it with her. It sounds like you already have. Just your physical presence with her, the sound of your voice, holding her hand--will give her security and comfort.
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This is a gift that she is wanting to talk to you.Listen to her-cry with her,tell her how important she is to all of you.Talk about GOD.Let her know how much she is valued.Peoples worse fear is that they will be forgotten,now is the time to let her know exactly how much her life meant and that she will never be forgotten.Don't run from the subject if she brings it up. Be Brave.
Just be there and listen to her. It says a lot that she can be honest enough to tell you her feelings about death. Maybe having her pastor visit her may help as well. Good luck and God bless.
Although your mother talks about dying, you may not be able to comfort her with words. Perhaps there is a lullaby, hymn, or song your mother used to sing around the house that you could sing to her, or with her. Or play familiar recorded music to her. You can also ask the Hospice nurse what kind of music is used in Hospice facilities. Holding your mother's hand might also be comforting. As she withdraws more into herself, you may not be sure how she responds to these gestures. My father-in-law, who outlived all his siblings, had a vision of them all coming to take him "home."
I spent some time thinking about this when my father-in-law was in the process of dying. My mother-in-law and I were the only ones with him when he took his last breath, and it was pretty hairy to say the least. I also would go sit with my neighbor and friend as she was dying of cancer, so I've had a little time to think about it. Being a Christian and having the whole eternity thing wrapped up, I'm not really afraid to die, but I'm also not looking forward to the process itself. It's the whole fear of the unknown as to what your last minutes are going to be like, you know pain and stuff. That part wigs me out a little, to be honest. So if your mother can put into words what the exact reason for her fear is, then at least that would give you some insight into what she's thinking. Maybe she's afraid of being alone at the end, that's understandable. As for me, I just have to trust Christ in his sovereignty to take care of my last minutes and have faith that he'll meet me where I need Him at the last. After all, in the grand scheme of things, the time we have here on earth is just a drop in a very large ocean as compared to eternity. I'm gonna put my big girl panties on and buck up.
My father had the same experience as Arianne described. Right before he died he saw a vision of his Mother, who had passed away years before, at the foot of his bed. She spoke to him in her native tongue and he spoke to her. That story was so calming for me - that someone you knew in your life on earth is sent down to help you transition to the next life.
Of all the things that we are taught in life, dying seems to be the most taboo subject. So many people have a hard time being around someone who is dying - because it seems too "scary." That is why so many of us have the fear of dying alone - or wondering if there is something after this life.
If your Mom has been a member of a church, it would be wonderful if her clergy person could visit - or perhaps members of her church. If not, I would let her talk and be a good listener. None of us have the answers. Ask her to look down on you and her family in the next life - to protect you and pray for you. There are so many stories of family membres who have passed, who send signs to their loved ones on earth. That may comfort her too.
Also, I would also talk to her about "everyday" things that are going on. Funny stories about a child, a pet, etc. - things that focus her away from the fear.
Bless you and your Mom and your family...there is no "roadmap" for this stage in life...we all struggle with it.
Lilli
I would say listen to her and acknowledge her feelings. Let her know you love her and will miss her and value all the time you had with her in life. If she is religious talk about her feelings on life after death and God. Remind her of good things she has done in her life and that you will always love her. Mostly just be there and listen. It is the best anyone can do in a time such as this. A time we will all face one day, one way or another.
I once thought I was dying and the overwhelming emotion I had was not death, but the fear of dying alone. I believe my wife with dementia knows she is dying but she hasn't shared her fears with me. I hope that what would help me would help her and I often remind her that even if I'm not physically present she is always in my thoughts and we will always be together.
To die without having faith in God would be a terrifying ordeal to even think about, much less actually be going through it. When a loved one is at that door, it really puts things into perspective, that time with people you love is THEE most important thing on this planet we live on. Not material belongings, prestige or worldly knowledge. But, in answer to your question, I would say in my opinion the best thing you can say to her is that she shouldn't be afraid, Christ has already paved the way to the place He has prepared for her, and that YOU will be along eventually to join her. Remind her of her Mom and Dad and siblings that have gone on before and that they are there to show her around. When my Dad was at the door, I'm not sure if he knew I was there with him, I tried to look into his eyes, but he was affixed on something above my right shoulder. I believe that was his guardian angel there to escort him to that beautiful place where there is no sickness or death, no more crying. I TRULY believe in a place called Heaven because if God can create a beautiful place called Earth for us all to inhabit, spinning in the middle of nothingness, He is capable of creating a place with streets made out of pure gold and beauty beyond compare in another area of His Heavens.
Since He inhabits eternity, I would say the areas are endless. To feel security in knowing that this is not the end brings peace and joy to a person about to cross over.
Moushiel,
Sorry to hear about your mom. I just lost my mother Friday Oct. 1. I think she to was a little scared to die . But for her it was because she was in the hospital. Once I found out there was nothing they could do I told them I wanted her to come home on hospice where she could die in piece. They tol me she would probably live maybe a week. When I finally got her home Friday night I told her I loved her and would miss her very much, if she was ready to go be with my father it was ok and that I would be ok. Thirthy min. later she passed I was able to be there holding her hand and I felt when her sprit left her body. She went very peacefully. So I guess what I am trying to say is just let her know it is ok to go if she is ready, and that you will be ok. I hope this helps.

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