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I appreciate this question, and the answers here, too. It's easy for us to believe our parents when they talk and act like it is OUR job to make them happy. And I think they may honestly believe that. But it's not. The only person eh can make that choice is you Mom. And she doesn't have a great track record in the department, does she? Finding the way to see her as separate from you...and the grace to say NO when she demands a yes...that's where you are being called right now. Her world can only be as big and vibrant as she chooses it to be. Whether you drive her to the mall, or whether she sits at home doesn't matter.

If the question you are actually asking is,"how do I get her to stop demanding these things of me," the answer is "you can't.". All you can do is draw boundaries even though she is asking. All you can do is take steps forward in your own life. Call one of the friends you've dropped. Go see a movie. Talk about anything except your Mom. Start to build your own life without her, and let her inevitable complaints be white noise. Sending you (and others in this boat) lots of love...
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I'm so sorry for your difficulties right now. If the things we try don't work, we have to try other things. And it changes every darned day, but that's the way it is. One thing my mom's speech therapist told me many years ago was that I MUST stop allowing my mom to hang onto me when she walks. Your mom is clearly capable of walking unassisted when she is alone, don't allow her to do it when she is with you. Feels mean, but helps her.

Get her magazines to look at while you are at, for mom Country and Birds and Blooms have helped. She works large piece jigsaw puzzles. Have her fold her own clothes and put them away. If she doesn't do it willingly, you can at least try dumping them on her bed so they are in her way to see if it helps. And get someone to come in and stay with her or take her for an outing sometimes. If you can't afford this, look for resources to pay for it. If her husband was in the military, there may be a Veterans benefit that will pay for this. If you don't think she presently qualifies financially, you can move some of her money into your account so that she qill qualify, they don't have a 5 year look back period like Medicare does. Can you afford for her to go to a senior day care program? Was there a hobby she was once interested in? Provide the supplies for her to be involved in that. Will she take her photos and put them into photo albums? If you have provided things for her to do, and she refuses to do them, then you are no longer responsible for her boredom. Refuse to receive it.
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Hi Jill: When abused Caregivers speak, we listen, and many will respond to you. You will get a lot of opinions and advice, but then it is YOUR decision about what you must do.
You are obviously a victim of your Mother's psychological problems--whatever they may be--and so far, it sounds as if she has ruined your life. Just reading your post ruined a bit of my day, and I don't even know you. We see so much of that here, and being compassionate, responsible care givers ourselves, we very much want to help you resolve your situation.
Have you ever seen a counselor to help you "detach" for your own health? Part of the problem is your reaction to her. You know many people who are not in a similar situation, right? Because she got ahold of you at a very young age, you did not learn about BOUNDARIES. To me, it sounds like you are really her Siamese twin. First, you must get strong to separate from her, emotionally, then physically.
Speaking of the "things" you have purchased to occupy your Mother reminds me of all the things I used to do and containers I bought to try to help my daughter get her bedroom organized. I thought, If only I get the perfect item, she will use it and her room will be neat. hahaha Excuse me while I laugh--at myself. She is 23 now, a lovely young woman with heavy responsibilities in her job, lots of friends, amazing gifts--but she is still disorganized and I cannot stand to go to her apartment. Your Mother's rationale is not yours, for if it were, you would have a life and she would be cheering you on to have one!!!
I hope you realize she is victimizing you, and that YOU are the one in control of that. I am not saying it is easy after being ingrained for 48 years, but if you want your autonomy, you are going to have to decide to become an individual.
My heart aches for you--it reminds me of these poor women who were abducted and held against their will for years. Stolen life.
I hope you get the advice and support you need, Jill. The first step in a new direction is always very difficult, like getting ready to jump into a pool of very cold water: you wait for just the right moment when your fear leaves for a split second. You must dig down and find your will to live beyond this burdensome, unhealthy attachment. I wish you strength and peace, dear one. Hugs, Christina
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