Is it normal to miss my mom so much in Assisted Living?

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I am lost without my mom. She is in Assisted Living. I was visiting her in the morning, come home, then went back in the afternoon. The head nurse said I need to go just once a day, so I have been trying to just go in the afternoon. My mom just waits for me, I feel so bad and miss her. Am I crazy??

Answers 1 to 10 of 23
No you are not crazy. I am not sure of the situation you had with your mother was she living with you or close by. If that is the case then the loss you feel is little like mourning.. You first should not feel guilty if you can not make it to see her and the second as time goes on and you see that she is being well looked after you will find that you will not need to twice a day. My suggestion is trying going later in the morning and then staying until about two in the afternoon and that way you get to see her in the morning and the afternoon and you and your mother will have the best of both worlds.
If you have the time to visit your mother twice a day I think you should see her then. Your mother seems like she is an important person in your life. She may not always be with you so your time with her is very important. If seeing her twice a day makes you and her happy, enjoy being with her and sharing the special times you have together. I just lost my mother and miss her so much, I would enjoy visiting with again.
Maryanne, I can identify completely with what you are feeling. I also go to see my mother once a day in assisted living and several times a day on weekends. It is normal to miss your mother as I miss mine also even though we did not always have the best relationship but we were close. It's strange now when I think back on all the arguments we once had that now those things no longer matter. I miss her, the her she once was, the arguments and our constant conversations on the phone. She was my best friend and I miss her so much. Continue to see your mother as much as you can, It very important that you be aware what is going on in the assisted living and to make sure that she is OK. You did not say what her mental or physical condition is. Continue to take care of yourself and your mother.

My mom has her mind, is very nervous and just lost my dad in October. I get tires of hearing comments from the aides, one told me I should get a bed next to my mother, I baby her too much. My mom is in a wheelchair and has trouble walking and going to the bathroom. Wish people were more understanding.
My mother is in a rehab/ skilled nursing facility. I miss her so very much. She has and dementia; I miss the Mother she was to me all my life. She is in a good place and they take very good care of her. I go every afternoon and have gone in a different times of the day to visit. I find it to be very depressing as I think my Mother is very bored. They have activities but she is not always in the mood to participate. She was a person that always kept busy. Dementia has taken so much from her. Our visits are not at all the way we use to interact. I never feel like we have
Sorry somehow I posted without finishing my thoughts. I was saying the visits are never quality. She doesn't have much interest. I so miss her advice and her laughter. I wonder if it is healthy to miss her so much.
Thanks, Carol
Maryann - realize that both you and your mom are going through mourning - it's only been like 6 months since your dad died. Difficult for all. Anxiety is normal.
Plus the transition to a whole new living situation.

About the AL staff, from their perspective they have a set routine and instead of having 1 resident (your mom) they now have 2 to deal with. They are trying to wean you off by suggesting you limit your visits.

It sounds like you have free time and are a bit adrift.

My suggestion to you is to speak with the AL activities co-ordinator - see if you can work with her to get things together for activities they do at the AL. This will give you an opportunity to go to see your mom for a brief visit, then go and help the activities gal (right now they are probably doing something for Mother's day) for an hour or 2, then go back and see your mom for another short visit, then leave. You actually help activities gal get stuff done - like sit and cut out pictures of flowers from a magazine for them to use the next day, etc. Then help on activities - this way you can interact with your mom and get to know some of the other residents and help bridge friendships between your mom and the other ladies. It will give your mom a "proud" thing to talk about too. You also get to know what the staff is like and who can be your point person to help your mom best (and who to avoid) and which residents are battle-axes'. Even if you're not an arts & crafts person there is stuff you can help activities with, like lining up the walkers if it's an exercise class or being an escort when they go on a shopping trip. I would do the shopping trips when my mom was in IL and I was in town for a few days to visit - hysterical fun escorting 80 & 90 yr olds some with walkers around Merle Norman & Steinmart. The activities gal is going to have the most flexibility in having a volunteer about. Good luck & keep busy.
Maryann: Did your mom just recently move into AL. It could be that the staff feel she needs time to adjust to her new surroundings and hopefully get involved with others in the facility.

Nevertheless, I think it's perfectly fine for you to spend time with your mom on a daily basis. I like the 10am to 2pm idea. That's a nice long visit and your mom can rest in the afternoon and socialize hopefully at dinner.

Is it possible that medication could help with your mom's anxiety?

Thanks so much everyone. It has been such a hard time for me and my mother, her and me dad lived down the street from me. Losing my dad was so hard, and dealing with the guilt of having to put my mom in AL is even harder. Hopefully it will get better.
I work for a NH and believe me you need to go at different times of the day just so they really never know when to expect you. You will see the whole picture of how the aide's treat others within the facility. The idea of helping with activities is such a good one, It might help your mother more than you think as maybe if she knows you are in there then she will start attending as well even if just to watch. We love having family visit and help us with the residents.

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