So many of us in this forum are left on our own to care for our parents. Family "scatters" when one person steps up to shoulder the burden. Please believe me when I say that caring for a parent full time is hard work, endlessly stressful, and isolating. Do you know why your sister is behaving in this manner? Have you offered your help? Have you stayed with your Mom to give Sis respite? Do you visit your Mother often and get involved in her care? Without knowing your family dynamic it is hard to suggest a solution. Either you are not pitching in enough or Sis has develped a martyr syndrome. Neither senario helps your Mom much. Both of you: Put your Mom's needs first. good luck
Sounds like this situation is rife with family dynamics! In an effort to smooth the waters and make some headway, I might consider writing your sister a letter and asking her what you can do to assist her. So often telephone calls and even visits become confrontations which are counter productive in most cases. Writing a kind, gentle, loving, honest letter does not put your sister "on the spot" for a response and is less likely to be taken as a confrontation or accusation. If providing respite care is not an option (you live out of town, health issues, etc) you may offer to pay for non-medical home care hours to provide some respite. Your local Alzheimer's Association may also offer an annual allotment of respite hours they will pay for (ours is $300.00 per year).
Just a guess....are finances involved? Is your mother paying your sister to take care of her? Is she possibly trying to keep that secret thus limiting your access to your mother? Like I said..... just a guess.
Need more input to aadvise on this one,Why does your sister feel it's not your business? Is it perhaps due to not pitching in when your Mom needs you? Sounds like there is more to this, I have six sisters in the begining of this 6yr journey they all went out of there way to tell me that if I took our Mom with Alzhimiers/Dementia in that they would HELP ME with her CAREGIVING two yrs into the process THEY BAILED I ended up quiting my job to care for her along with my 17 and 10 year old. My husband brings home the essentials but emotionally it's difficult. I'm not at all Happy when anyone of my sisters calls and says Oh just thought I check to see how MOM is?? It's been 7 yrs now,not ONE of them come by and we live in the same CITY. :(
I went back to LadyM's profile and learned a bit more about this situation from an answer posted on the thread: "How do I deal with my brother-in-laws that only want to help out when it's convenient for them?" Evidently the brother in law influenced her sister to make various financial moves back in 2009. So, this does sound like it is about $.
I think possibly some laws may have been broken here and a lawyer or someone in law enforcement needs to be brought into this.
I do have to say one thing, as a nurse that works in Long term care we often get overwhelmed ourselves with the care that it takes to handle our patients and we get to leave it all there when we leave. For those of you on this thread I have read so far I must say I find you all to be amazing people for the care and love you give those that need you most.
It's very easy to get upset with your other family members for not doing their part, by their part I mean pitching in to help when able out of love not out of obligation. It truly takes strong, compassionate and caring people to provide such good care.
Once again, as a nurse I see families that come in often, and those who do not visit at all. I had one patient that passed away and I could find no family to call. I spent over eight hours of my time tracking down her sister by piecing clues together I found in her personal belongings. No one should die without having someone know about it in my mind. Though it would be nice to be thanked on occasion, even though its not required, would be nice.
So from me to you....Thank you all so much for being the kind of people we should all strive to be. God bless you, and give you the strength you need..
LadyM, From all this you can gather that if you want to be involved....then get involved. Obviously your sister resents you for what she has volunteered to do. It's a gut wrenching job and she feels abandoned. No one knows what they're getting into when they become a caregiver and it's an incredibly rude awakening. Your sister needs help not phone calls.
that is tricky, I was also wondering the same thing the other sue asked, about her funds, are there alot of things or funds that she could possibly talk mom into all of? Do u offer your help on a regular basis, or whenever u can? that does say alot! Maybe u could be more specific on what the real deal is going on behind closed doors, does she have a resentment against u from along time ago? I could go on and on, but without knowing all the facts, its hard to really give u advice on what I would do! get back to us with more info, so we can make a more educated decision, on how u can be of help! let us know please as we do care!
Just keep in mind that the person that gets hurt the most in these things will be your mother. You are her daughter too and she needs you with her as well. Firmly, but politely let your family know how you feel about being shut out and that you aren't going anywhere.
Lady, there definitely appears to be resentment coming from behind your sister's comment. I've been in your shoes and this may sound corny and Pollyannish....but I have found that really the only answer to "melting the ice" in relationships is love. "Love never fails." I think that's from Corinthians. If one of you could break the ice by doing something sincerely loving toward the other, I"ll bet you could get to some genuine communication between you. Talking in person is key. Most people are decent, loving people deep down, but let's face it....we've all been hurt, and by the time someone's in their fifties, they've probably been hurt quite a bit by other hurting people. As they say, hurt people hurt people. It can be hard, I know, but try kindness.
Do you know why your sister is behaving in this manner? Have you offered your help? Have you stayed with your Mom to give Sis respite? Do you visit your Mother often and get involved in her care?
Without knowing your family dynamic it is hard to suggest a solution. Either you are not pitching in enough or Sis has develped a martyr syndrome. Neither senario helps your Mom much. Both of you: Put your Mom's needs first.
good luck
I think possibly some laws may have been broken here and a lawyer or someone in law enforcement needs to be brought into this.
It's very easy to get upset with your other family members for not doing their part, by their part I mean pitching in to help when able out of love not out of obligation. It truly takes strong, compassionate and caring people to provide such good care.
Once again, as a nurse I see families that come in often, and those who do not visit at all. I had one patient that passed away and I could find no family to call. I spent over eight hours of my time tracking down her sister by piecing clues together I found in her personal belongings. No one should die without having someone know about it in my mind. Though it would be nice to be thanked on occasion, even though its not required, would be nice.
So from me to you....Thank you all so much for being the kind of people we should all strive to be. God bless you, and give you the strength you need..
From all this you can gather that if you want to be involved....then get involved.
Obviously your sister resents you for what she has volunteered to do. It's a gut wrenching job and she feels abandoned. No one knows what they're getting into when they become a caregiver and it's an incredibly rude awakening.
Your sister needs help not phone calls.
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