My sister cares for our mom now and says her health is none of our business. What should we do if we hardly get to speak to her when we call?

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Well I know this may not help but I care for my mom and my mom doesn't WANT to talk to my brother and sister on the rare times they call...which is when she is in the hospital..then they disappear again.. also when they talk to her...she can't help but speak back but because of her breathing problems she starts coughing and gets short of breath. My mom is disappointed and doesn't want to hear the I love yous...she would rather see her adult kids her son wouldn't even talk to her when she was well on Christmas..when she called to talk to her grand kids. All her money is tied up in trust. I always knew this would be my job and I have help..my brother and sister resent me but I try to do the right thing and call when something acute is going on. She is in the hospital now. I called my sister and asked her to call my brother who wont take calls from our area code...She lives overseas but she still could write or call on occasion..she calls RARELY and only for a minute or two. My sister said she would be happy to and thanked me for letting her know what was going on. I said if there is any change or anything to let her know I would ...but if she doesn't hear everything is the same. And she is fine with that FOR NOW. My brother took a large sum of money that was to come to my mom after my father's death.. he was the executor. It was discovered missing by me and now he has to pay it back with interest and lawyers fees it took to get it all sorted out. He is mad because he thinks he is owed the money...even though he was paid handsomely for being the executor and a lawfirm did most of the work whom my dad's estate also paid for. My mom is at home with caregivers 24/7 now..because she can afford it and doesn't want to be in a nursing home..but she is much worse now and needs hospice. I handle all her medical issues..dr visits.prescritions insurance..ect. I have no access to her money..she has a trust officer for that and my siblings know this...as when they want money from my mom they call her trust officer who tells them to ask my mom. She is still capable of making decisions for herself and her personal business...she just relies on me to handle all her medical..as its just one less thing for her and she trusts me...she named me as her HCPOA long before my father ever was even retired let alone after he died suddenly.

I hope that you can write a letter to your mom telling her you are thinking of her..if you are worried that she won't get the letter and it may be intercepted...ask her priest to give it to her or a trusted friend or anyone you know that might be able to visit with her privately without your sister there. Good luck. She may not know you are trying to reach her...or she does and your mom is just angry...angry that she is ill and angry at the world. In that case..you just have to accept it. Offer to help in anyway.. go by when and if you can as much as you can...Write a letter to your sister..it might soften things and help..don't accuse..just reach out. Don't give up..that's what your sister expects...keep at it...she will soften...because she will get tired one day and feel isolated and need to reach out...then she will be comfortable calling you. Good Luck
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can you get your mom out of the house for lunch or something? if so, see if you can get her to an estate attorney for free consult...and advice...good luck!
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i'm sad to see so many leaping to the conclusion that you aren't doing enough or that it's about money...my sis just plain resents me. i've offered to stay with mom for the nightly caregiver shift to save tons of money but sis ignores my requests...she is now ordering me as to when i can see mom and with which caregivers! it has nothing to do with money or how much i offer to help...she has poa and is a control freak and doesn't want my input or help...tries to shut me out as much as possible! she's away for 3 weeks now but has the caretakers monitoring ME and reporting to her...even threatened me with a restraining order and says I BRING negative energy to the house and drain mom when the truth is she brings the negative energy ON ME and no one cares if i get upset! i'm assuming your sister resents you and is standing in the way...go visit your mom soon and often! if you can, get poa and see if you can move her away from sis before it's too late...you need MPOA and if possible, FPOA...talk to mom when you see her and tell her what sis is doing...praying for you here!!
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Sounds like this situation is rife with family dynamics! In an effort to smooth the waters and make some headway, I might consider writing your sister a letter and asking her what you can do to assist her. So often telephone calls and even visits become confrontations which are counter productive in most cases. Writing a kind, gentle, loving, honest letter does not put your sister "on the spot" for a response and is less likely to be taken as a confrontation or accusation. If providing respite care is not an option (you live out of town, health issues, etc) you may offer to pay for non-medical home care hours to provide some respite. Your local Alzheimer's Association may also offer an annual allotment of respite hours they will pay for (ours is $300.00 per year).
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LadyM,
From all this you can gather that if you want to be involved....then get involved.
Obviously your sister resents you for what she has volunteered to do. It's a gut wrenching job and she feels abandoned. No one knows what they're getting into when they become a caregiver and it's an incredibly rude awakening.
Your sister needs help not phone calls.
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To susan63 - I think you may have nailed it. I am going through the same thing with my father and my sister trying to hide the fact she is being paid, even with a home health care aide also present. My father won't discuss it because she has convinced him that I have an "agenda". Yeah - getting him out of her clutches, maybe.

If you are speaking from experience, how did you handle this? I hope this is not happening to the OP because it is heartbreaking. He is not getting appropriate medical care either from what I've been able to piece together. Hugs to you and the OP.
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I do have to say one thing, as a nurse that works in Long term care we often get overwhelmed ourselves with the care that it takes to handle our patients and we get to leave it all there when we leave. For those of you on this thread I have read so far I must say I find you all to be amazing people for the care and love you give those that need you most.

It's very easy to get upset with your other family members for not doing their part, by their part I mean pitching in to help when able out of love not out of obligation. It truly takes strong, compassionate and caring people to provide such good care.

Once again, as a nurse I see families that come in often, and those who do not visit at all. I had one patient that passed away and I could find no family to call. I spent over eight hours of my time tracking down her sister by piecing clues together I found in her personal belongings. No one should die without having someone know about it in my mind. Though it would be nice to be thanked on occasion, even though its not required, would be nice.

So from me to you....Thank you all so much for being the kind of people we should all strive to be. God bless you, and give you the strength you need..
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i am not saying that this is exactly your case, but i know somebody that did the same to her sister because her sister didn't visit her mother, just wanted to know about her by calling her over the phone and this sister didn't help her with money. so visit her and maybe take care of her for a weekend. I don't know you, i am just guessing.
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Susan, its the opposite for me, the more I tell my brothers about her condition the faster they run away...I allow my brothers in her life as much as they will participate, but in this moment they are completely MIA and there is nothing that seeminly makes them want to show up.

I am just managing my time in a way where I can learn how to cope without them
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I am helping with my parents now, almost same situation. I have one brother and love him very much, he handles situations differently than I do, but it is very frustrating and I do feel alone in this. I found the more I share with him about my dads health the more involved he gets at times and I have learned to ask him for help instead of waiting for him to offer. I have tried to think the best for my dad because he truly loves my brother so its not about me its about my dad.
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