My mother is caring for another family's father who falls a lot. My sister and I are afraid one day he will fall and take our beautiful mother with him. What can we do?

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My mother who is 87, and has been living on her own in our family home since my father died in 1992. She started seeing a man who is now 92, several years ago. Her "friend" is a lot of company to her, but his health has deteriorated to the point that she has become his caregiver. He has two sons who just let my mother continue fretting over him, taking him to doctor after doctor, finding him a place to stay when she goes on a trip, brushing his hair, setting up appointments for him, including having other caregivers into her home to bathe him, and give him physical therapy. It is exhausting for her, but she is a wonderful lady with a big heart who never complains, and would never never suggest putting him in a "home". My sister and I have talked to her about doing something else, but she just shrugs it off. We think his sons should step in and take care of their own father. My mother's quality of life is suffering. He falls a lot. Last night my mother had to call 911 again. My sister and I are afraid one day he will fall and take our beautiful mother with him. What can we do? My sister calls her sons sometimes when they don't take action, such as when my mother was recovering from breast cancer a few years ago, and needed rest. Please advise us on how to intervene appropriately, before our mother is hurt taking care of someone else who has a family!

Answers 1 to 4 of 4
I did not mention that my mother's friend is living with her full time in her home, although he has his own home in the same city.
I would take immediate action. I realize that your mother has found this nice man a wonderful companion, however, her health and safety are in danger. You need to have a frank talk with her about your concerns. Contact the sons and give them a date when they can come collect their father and care for him in his own home. I am afraid some tough love is called for here - you wouldn't let her be taken advantage of in other ways...this is no different. Assure your Mom that you will see to it that they get to visit often. Do not let the sons get away with this a moment longer. And bless your mother for being so kind, but protect her. She may be lonely. Find other activities to help her fill in that time (ie: church activities, senior center, shopping, anything she is capable of doing).
Good luck...let us know how things went...
Lilli
I agree with Lilli--as usual. Call a meeting with the sons, you and your sister. I would not include Mother and Father at first meeting. As adult children, it is time for them to take charge, "even if" your Mother is so generous, etc. The sons need to be financially responsible, either by managing their Dad's money and/or setting up a trust, if one is not set up currently. They should not expect your Mother to handle all this. She needs a break which sounds like what you want give her. Communication key. I'd take her for a mani-pedi, hair appointment, and massage while things are getting worked out!
Thank you both so much for your response. My mother is very active in church, bridge club, traveling, shopping, volunteering with Hospice among other things. and I think her friend is becoming bitter and jealous in the process which only make things worse on both of them. How can we convince her though. I think you're right. Maybe my sister and I should both discuss with both sons at the same time. My mother is coming to visit us here in Florida for 10 days, and when she comes here, we don't let her do a thing! She is the princess, pediures, facials, shopping, dinner, all of it, whatever she wants! She lives in Alamance County. Her friend is staying is actually staying with one of the sons this time, I guess because it is Christmas. Otherwise my mother has always had to arrange for him to stay at Twin Lakes or somewhere like that, but he doesnt like it, of course. Thank you. Any more information you can provide would be most helpful. I would like to send these posts to my sister if there is a way.

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