I have been my dad’s caregiver ever since my mom passed away. Why does he treat me like a maid if he asked me to care for him?

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As the Big SIS myself (I'm the oldest girl in the family), I usually got the 'Cinderella' part in any event. But I quickly learned that the best way to NOT be seen or treated as the maid, is to NOT fill the role. Let Dad know that your time with him is precious and that you would rather go FISHING, or out to dinner, or birdwatching with him than to be the 'maid around the house'.

HIRE someone to come in and clean the house. Ask HIM for help, fixing things, organizing the garage, washing the car, or anything else that he would have normally liked to do. Keep him involved.

If you aren't the only child. Ask your other siblings for help. If you are the only child, let him know how much your time with him means to you, and since you BOTH lost Mom, that you would like to sit with him or do things with him 'while he is still here'. It doesn't have to be a doom and gloom conversation, but it is one that you need to have with Dad.

In my humble opinion it sounds like Dad could be suffering from some depression too, which has an odd effect on how he would relate to others.

Open honest conversations can sometimes lead to the biggest revelations! So take Dad out to lunch, and then tell him how much you enjoy one-on-one time with him, rather than just being there to vacuum the house. Get an understanding of just what he needs, and then find someone ELSE to fill the roles that you do not want.

Sounds simple doesn't it? Well it just might work. :)
It's been my experience that when someone loses RESPECT for another person, they treat them like that. It goes in a marriage I think too. Got to get the respect back, and help him understand that he's darn lucky to have you. I think if a person can NOT treat someone that they just met disrespectful, then they have the ability NOT to treat those they love the same way. It's a choice they make. What do you think?
although the accepted suggestion seems to be not to argue with Alzheimer's patients, when my mother fights me when I help her, even damns me for not letting her die (then accuses me of trying to kill her), I just don't stand for it...any more. From her more acceptable and loving behavior, perhaps just minutes before, I know she is still in there and making decisions. I can get a rise out of her to a lot of action, where 15 seconds before she was slopped over in a pity party.

Anyway, of her treatment of me, I realize that I have been her caregiver for a long time, the only caregiver. 8 years. Now that she's mostly off Ativan, she got her sensibilities back and often realizes her actual predicament, and mine too. She thrashes at me to GET AWAY, she does not want to hear one more suggestion of "if you just take this pill, your sinus headache will go away."

At some point I stand back and DEMAND respect with a very stern "I am trying to help you and you will NOT treat me that way." boohooIcan'thelpit boo hoo. "No, you CAN help it. You will not damn me and you will not hit me." I then leave her alone for several minutes and check back often.

Who knows if this is the wrong way to go about this. This is why two caregivers are best. One catches the flack, and the other comes in as the savior. In the past two days, I have come in after Mom thrashed at my sister and my niece on separate occasions, and I made mom apologize. once with a teary falling into each others arms scene. I rarely get that apology, but eventually I can work with her. I now don't let these scenes get going far.

Generally, teens or dependent seniors get "dependency resentment," and it takes a big hearted understanding senior to allow necessary help without feeling helpless and angry about their situation. Don't we wish the sweet smile and a "thank you sweetie for bringing me apple juice"...for the hundred little things we do everyday that they are aware of...and the hundreds of things we do they are not even aware of.

Oh, sometimes when she is in her "O GAWD" curse moan mode, I make her say "Thank you God for sending me help." She mutters it reluctantly. Who knows what will stick in that sticky brain of hers?
If your dad is not suffering from dementia, then an open honest conversation like the one mentioned above is the only way to get to the root of the problem. If he has dementia, then getting help or using adult day care is your best solution. Caregivers can benefit from counseling and support just like the care receiver. My work with the elderly has shown me that a loss of abilities is a grief process for the elderly. The loss of a wife, the loss of independence, the loss of abilities and function are all very great losses. He will benefit from your honesty and will be blessed by your efforts to spend quality time with him.
I have found that as my parents have aged their needs have become paramount in their minds. It is almost as if they expect everyone in the family to put their life on hold and wait on them. I guess they assume we have more time on the earth left than they do ( or that is what is inferred). it is hard to feel "used " by someone you love and care about but it is important to set boundaries however hard that will be. If you do get a caretaker to help be very careful that you read the caretaker's contract and set the rules of his or her role according to that. Always use someone who is supervised by an agency. Codependency relationships often emerge with a client and the caretaker. This can create even more problems.
Older and infirm people become very narccistic - they are like little kids, it's all about them and what they want - NOW!!. Your dad might not realize how he's treating you or anyone else for that matter. If he does have even slight dementia - he may display anger and grumpiness to mask his fear at being alone or forgetful. Discussing this might help but be prepared do it again and again because he might revert to his old behaviors - I've seen my dad and uncles do this too. All you can do is TRY to take care of him. If you end up too resentful and begin to hate him, is it worth it to fulfill your promise? Being able to retain a loving relationship should be most important, sometimes that means putting up with their attitudes and poor treatment. As long as we know it's temporary it's easier to take. It's okay for you to evaluate what/how much you can take and then determine your boundaries and where your dad should live. Good luck.
My mom treats me as her maid. I often remind her that she can do several of the things she asks me to do herself. She will forget that she can unless I tell her that she can.
She once forgot she can stand up straight. Another time she started writing me notes and handing them to me instead of talking. If i let her, she will forget how to talk and/or walk.
Its important for her to know she still can do these things. Its like rehab. I have to remind my other siblings not to let her do this to them. Its easy to just do these things for her, but in the end, she will forget and that is not good.
We did teach her to stand up right and I no longer get notes, she talks to me now.
Some things she really has forgotten how to do and will never remember, but its up to me to figure out what she can and cannot do.
Today she told me to mow the grass and to shave her. I never have mowed her grass, we have someone who does that. I also told her that Wednesday's is shaving day.
Its a tough battle. Like today, she got herself a napkin for lunch, but didn't get one for my dad. I told her to get one for him too. She looked at me shocked. She even had to think about it for a second. I honestly think she thought she wasn't able, but then realized she got one for herself. So, she did get him one.
She is way more capable than she thinks she is.
I think she enjoys doing things herself once she knows she can. Its us, her caretakers, who makes her think she can't. We enable that behavior.
She's made great progress. But, as I said, there are really some things she just cannot do and I have to know which is which.
because he is thinking only that you are there to help him with his daily activities as his daughter, why don't you tell him how are you feeling. tell him that you need to hear from him that he loves you and that everything you are doing for him is being appreciated. tell him to be polite, don't forget to say please and thank you, daddy, please remember that I have feelings. tell him that you need to hear that from him. to see what's happens//
They become completely self-centered and selfish, my Dad doesn't see me as a person at all, I'm just his maid. I jokingly refer to him as "The Shah" ...the humor helps a little but it does hurt. It really depends on what kind of relationship you have with your Dad prior to the onset of the behavior.
I agree, its annoying. I find garbage on the carpet and have to pick it up.

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