My 93-year-old mother is too much for my sister and I to handle. She is frail and showing signs of dementia. Where can she live?

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She sounds like she's ready for assisted living or a nursing home. If she has very little money, she may qualify for Medicaid, and they pay the NH costs. if she has money, she'll have to pay herself until that runs out. But if she needs more care than you can provide, please check into this unless in-home care agencies can provide enough help.
Take care,
There are inexpensive senior housing options and you can consider a full time home health aide. Some people will work for say $350 a m onth- a kind immigrant. Everything depends on money though can in some states put a person on community medicaid where they live at home and get up to 12 hrs. of care daily.
Oh, dear. Shirl, you and your sister are so smart about dealing with this issue straight on. An elder parent can ruin you spritiually, physically, and financially. You are reduced to anger and resentment and can't be the good daughters you want to be. Never in human history have people lived to be so old and these are utterly new issues our baby boomer generation have to deal with. I am dealing with a Scarlett O'Hara grande dame who is 90 and has all her marbles. Scarlett was cute at 17 but a bloody pain in the neck at 90.
Look for Residential Care it is the best choice ever. It is homelike environment and if she will get some medications for a while until she use with the new place, people they will discontinue the treatment and she will do just fine. Trust me. I know what I am talking about. I work with these kind of behaviors every day 24/7 for 5yrs. I can help you find these places.
Good that you have acknowledged that you can't be of the best help to yoru mother. If you engage a home health care aide, BE SURE they are insured and have workers comp insurance. If they are injured while helping your mother and they don't have insurance, they sue YOU and your assets. Be careful who you hire.
Thank you for your guidance. I have just hired an elder attorney and should get some help that way. My mother is becoming quite hostile and may need a guardian appointed since my sister and I are unable to handle her at this point.
Shirl, it is a commitment to keep your mom at home but put your self in her place and ask where you would want to be. This will help you. How lucky to have a sister to help, I;m an only kid with a mother who will be 99 years old soon. I decided to keep her in her own home and care for her with the help of my husband. Yes, it is hard at times and I wish I had someone to share the responsibility. She is now in hospice care. The workers come to the house to help care for her. I can say that I am happy to have had the chance to have a long good bye even though at times, I felt like I was in prison and was depressed.(I ate dark chocolate and took a St John's wort pill once in a while to feel better.) You have to make the choice of which is better for you. Everyone has a different tolerance and degree of patience. I felt caring for my mother was such a small payback for all she did for me and my children.
Thank you for your nice response. It sounds as though your mother was difficult but not hostile like mine. She is threatening all kinds of harm to my sister and me, etc. I'm sorry you are now at the stage of hospice with her and yet 99 years is a really full life. Peace and blessings to you.
Go on-line to the various listings. It's a lot of work but check them out. When you find some in your area, check references and Better Business Bureau. I have Father at a Silverado facility that I love because of their approach to elder care. A right fit for you is most important. The parent will not like any place you put them other than their or your home. At 93 the relief of them being contained with nurses and Drs. on call is tremendous. Get them the best care your money (or theirs) can provide. This is as much about you as it is them. Make a visit and follow your nose.
Shirl, I would recommend you look into an assisted living community that has memory care, as well. Once your mother's dementia has progressed to a severe state or if she begins to wander, she will require a secure environment. It's best to find a home that will enable her to age in place as her sensitivity to change will only increase as the dementia worsens.

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