You can't go against a (sane) person's wishes, so they have the upper hand. However, you don't have to assist them in all of their needs either. They will be forced to find someone else to help them OR move somewhere where they can be taken care of. Not all adult children can withhold help however. Much easier to move them if they have dementia.
The original question was how to move a parent when they don't want to move to assisted living - if you are assisting them & enabling them to live at home - stop doing it. I think my in-laws would go to assisted living if they were not able to brow beat my brother/sister in law to perform all of the handy man-fix it work (while loudly criticizing), take care of the yard, clean the house, do the laundry, bring in groceries, and start to more and more drive them where they need to go. If they have to face a house they can no longer maintain and learn they need help - they will find it. (no cognitive issues)
My mother is 95 yrs still lives at home. But she has forgot how to cook. We take meals into her. But our fear is her safety. She has slowed way down walks slow uses a cane. She sets around to find things wrong with her. It's something new everyday. An of course I'm the only daughter it's getting more than I can handle. I worked in a nursing home for 25 yrs and now it's my turn to figure out what to do. It's not a whole lot of fun. But I feel like she needs to be somewhere with 24 hr nursing. For the first time in my life I'm lost
My mother is 95 yrs still lives at home. But she has forgot how to cook. We take meals into her. But our fear is her safety. She has slowed way down walks slow uses a cane. She sets around to find things wrong with her. It's something new everyday. An of course I'm the only daughter it's getting more than I can handle. I worked in a nursing home for 25 yrs and now it's my turn to figure out what to do. It's not a whole lot of fun. But I feel like she needs to be somewhere with 24 hr nursing. For the first time in my life I'm lost
Only joining this convo as we are back on the utter twaddle about care facilities.
They ARE NOT ALL BAD. In fact MOST ARE GOOD. Some ARE EXCELLENT. A FEW ARE BAD and should be closed down I agree.
Dont generalise. I have visited (and for an extended visit lasting 2-8 hours at a time and on several occasions and unannounced) well over 100 nursing homes and care homes and only once have I seen behaviour that needed reporting past managerial level and that particular home was closed down in less than 3 weeks don't spout rubbish.
What people DO need to know is that NO CARE FACILITY IS INFALLIBLE.
No manager can afford to rest on their laurels and expect everything to run smoothly - it wont.
There will always be difficult residents and to be fair difficult families to handle and manage. There will always be staff to monitor and train and retrain. As a relative it is your role to monitor your loved one and to report in writing to the manager anything you see that is wrong.
If it continues report it to Social services or whoever in your state deals with these facilities with the copies of the letters THATS HOW TO HANDLE IT. Take photos if you need to but make sure you do not capture any person except your LO in the picture or you will be liable. (I have issues about this but it is the law in most places).
Finally, these places are doing a job we can no longer fulfil or your LO wouldn't be there. Try caring for someone 24/7 who is demanding, incontinent, spiteful, violent at times, vicious with the tongue all the time, when you have had no qualitative sleep for a long time. I haven't slept a full night through for 5 years - except for my respite weeks and I can tell you everything deteriorates so if you think you can do better then DO IT.
Nasmir, there is a waiting list for available beds in nursing home, so to say that a nursing home will try every trick in the book is confusing. When one patient leaves, another patient will be in the door later that day.
One has to put the patient's best interest above all others, thus if that person needs a higher level of care, a nursing home would be the best place as the patient has a nurse on his/her floor, plus a weekly visit by the facility hospital... unless one can afford to set up their home to resemble a nursing home plus hire 3 shifts of experience caregivers which is quite costly, but also quality care.
Wow Nasmir...your comment is a complete fabrication..unless you are living in 1940? Everything you have said is completely wrong. Nowadays the elderly are living longer and are sicker, requiring the care of 3 shifts of people per day (24 hours a day) and its impossible for the average family to provide this care at home. Additionally, most nursing homes are comfortable, home-like environments with caring staff. Sure there will be a bad apple in the bunch but that goes for EVERYTHING. You really shouldn't come to a forum like this with such uninformed "advice" for people who need help. You really need to get educated on this subject.
Thank you so much for that statement. This is exactally how I feel. I will take care of my mom for as long as I can before putting her in a nursing home. She was there for me when I raised my three kids. Now I will be there for her!! Hugs to you, Carole
We are 2 sisters and my mom has always told us that when she gets older not to pls put her in a home...when I was going to school for LPN I did my internship in a old folks home...I was 19 and after I saw how they treated elders I had to transfer....I don't know how we will do it but I will never put mymom in there. When she had her kids she sstopped working to care for us..no day care no babysitters. Only in case of emergency. She never rejected us..she gave us lots of love and changed her whole life for us...so now because she needs us we send her away? She never did that to you. I know about the working situation..ok...at least get someone to watch her while your working...I'm sure she has medicaid and medicare...that will help. I'm not saying I'm a better daughter..not at all. I'm just saying I'm going to sacrifice myself like she did with us when we were kids.
misselviramoss, I am very sorry that your mother has dementia. It must be painful to you to have her in a facility when you think she would do OK in a private home.
It sounds like she is on Medicaid. Your father would be allowed to keep the house regardless of where Mom is being taken care of, so that would not be a deal-breaker regarding taking care of her yourself, or finding a better care center for her. And rights to half of the house aren't going to do her any good at this point, are they? The "entire estate" that Dad has is not much, if Mom is on Medicaid. They had to spend all but a moderate amount of their assets before she was accepted. What is left is intended to keep Dad out of poverty. I know you don't care about the money, but I am just trying to explain that money is not the issue in these situations. Dad would have been better off financially if he could have avoided having Mom in a care center.
If you think that taking care of her in your home is a viable option, consider carefully some of these factors: 1) She cannot be left alone. At all. Not while you run to the store, and sometimes not even while you take a shower! You will have zero privacy. Spontaneously doing something will be a distant memory. 2) If you work, you will need reliable in-home help while you are gone. "Reliable" help sometimes miss work, so you will miss work, too. 3) You will NEED time to yourself. Plan for regular respite care right from the beginning. 4) Dementia is a progressive disease. It will get worse. It may be stable for a week or 3 years, but it will get worse. 5) Mom can handle toileting now. That's great. Don't expect it to last forever. What is her weight? How strong are you? Think about how you will handle incontinence and changing her. 6) Depression is a common problem in dementia. It generally can be treated. It may not automatically go away, though, just because she has family around. 7) You don't mention how old your mother is. Dementia can go on for many years if there are no co-morbidity factors. How many years can you put your life on hold? 8) Mom is (if I've read your post correctly) on Medicaid now, and will no doubt need that to continue. You will have to start the application process all over in another state. 9) Caring successfully for someone with dementia requires learning about dementia. 10) Loving someone and being able to care appropriately for them are two different things. Love is a great foundation, but it isn't enough.
Please, browse these forums and read posts from people who have taken in a parent with dementia. See what issues they face, and what their concerns are.
How do you know that your mother just wants to be around family? Does she recognize you as family? Is she thrilled to see you? Does she talk about your dad or sisters or going home?
How about your sisters? Do they visit often? Have you discussed with them or with your father what she was like at home before they placed her where she is?
How long will you be in town? Are you spending full days with your mom?
My father and two sisters put my suddenly put my mom in an alzheimers facility against her will. She thought she was going out to lunch. My mother had polio and has the aftermath to contend with which is part of her problem, and the other is diagnosed as dementia. She is very depressed and lonely, so I flew out from out of state as her out of state daughter, and I found it is IS like an institution; prison setting. I got told that i am forbidden to discuss certain topics, there's tables, and I was told we are not allowed to go in the room and close the door. She's my mother! My father does not visit her hardly at all, and tells everyone she is much worse off than she is, and not to bother visiting her because she is gone. I go anyway, and I find her as an alert old woman with some distortion in her memory bank. She just wants to be around family. She is not autonomous, but she can go to the bathroom and wash herself with a little supervision. She just can't be left alone. I would take her, except my father has this deal with the government that they take her retirement check and he keeps the house. If she leaves that place she could have rights to half the house, and pretty much right now he's got the entire estate minus her retirement pension. I don't care about any of that, I love her just the way she is! People change and I think we have to be outside of self and realize these people may be at the end of their journey, and we should stop being selfish! You know you will have plenty of time to chill with your toddlers. My god!
Hi My3sons! This is something we all go through. Are there any other siblings your wife has that she can stay with?
If not, I would recommend looking into Bed and Breakfast style private residential care homes, which are mostly ran by health care professionals - Nurses and Doctors - that offer a "Real Home" living care option for seniors without having to be in a commercial care facility. You can send me a message for websites you can search for local ones in your area you can tour. They usually offer shared rooms from $2000 a month and own rooms from $3000 a month depending on needs.
If Private Care homes not an option, you might look at a Live-in Caregiver barter option with some pay for 24/7 care. Depending on the area you live in and the standard pay for caregivers there, you may come up with a solution this way. You can post job listing on craigslist or care.com, and of-course be sure to check backgrounds, etc.
My 81 year old mother-in-law resides with myself, my wife, and our 3 young children (ages 7 and 5 year old twins). She has a myriad of health issues, the largest being Parkinson's Disease. Over the past 2 years the disease has advanced to the point where she is approaching 24 hour care. She is able to use a walker for limited mobility but has incontinence issues, can not shower herself or prepare meals, needs assistance rising from a chair or her bed, and rarely wants to leave the house. To put it bluntly, this level of care is not what we signed on for 3 years ago when we moved her in with us. We feel trapped and are developing feelings of guilt and resentment because her presence is hindering our lives and taking away from things we want to do with our 3 young sons. She has stated emphatically that she will not allow us to place her in a personal care home or skilled nursing facility. She self-pays for a caregiver whenever we need to go out for an extended period of time but her resources are limited. Does anyone else find themselves in a similar situation or can anyone offer any ideas?
No one wants to move from their home into assisted living, but sometimes it is the best, or even the only option to keep your parent safe. Making the decision to move a parent into assisted living is one of the hardest and most heart-wrenching decisions of your life. And broaching the topic is equally difficult.
There's no easy to way to bring up the topic. You have to be open and honest, without making it confrontational. Don't condascend, and don't argue. Also, consider taking your parent to visit some assisted living centers (check them out ahead of time by yourself) They will see for themselves that they aren't institutional settings where they will be isolated. Many are like retirement communities, where they can interact and socialize with others. There are restaurants, recreation, group activities and more. Rather than trying to paint a picture. Let your parent see for themselves, in person.
Much easier to move them if they have dementia.
They ARE NOT ALL BAD.
In fact MOST ARE GOOD.
Some ARE EXCELLENT.
A FEW ARE BAD and should be closed down I agree.
Dont generalise. I have visited (and for an extended visit lasting 2-8 hours at a time and on several occasions and unannounced) well over 100 nursing homes and care homes and only once have I seen behaviour that needed reporting past managerial level and that particular home was closed down in less than 3 weeks don't spout rubbish.
What people DO need to know is that NO CARE FACILITY IS INFALLIBLE.
No manager can afford to rest on their laurels and expect everything to run smoothly - it wont.
There will always be difficult residents and to be fair difficult families to handle and manage. There will always be staff to monitor and train and retrain. As a relative it is your role to monitor your loved one and to report in writing to the manager anything you see that is wrong.
If it continues report it to Social services or whoever in your state deals with these facilities with the copies of the letters THATS HOW TO HANDLE IT. Take photos if you need to but make sure you do not capture any person except your LO in the picture or you will be liable. (I have issues about this but it is the law in most places).
Finally, these places are doing a job we can no longer fulfil or your LO wouldn't be there. Try caring for someone 24/7 who is demanding, incontinent, spiteful, violent at times, vicious with the tongue all the time, when you have had no qualitative sleep for a long time. I haven't slept a full night through for 5 years - except for my respite weeks and I can tell you everything deteriorates so if you think you can do better then DO IT.
Its called PUT UP or SHUT UP where I come from
One has to put the patient's best interest above all others, thus if that person needs a higher level of care, a nursing home would be the best place as the patient has a nurse on his/her floor, plus a weekly visit by the facility hospital... unless one can afford to set up their home to resemble a nursing home plus hire 3 shifts of experience caregivers which is quite costly, but also quality care.
Angel
Angel
It sounds like she is on Medicaid. Your father would be allowed to keep the house regardless of where Mom is being taken care of, so that would not be a deal-breaker regarding taking care of her yourself, or finding a better care center for her. And rights to half of the house aren't going to do her any good at this point, are they? The "entire estate" that Dad has is not much, if Mom is on Medicaid. They had to spend all but a moderate amount of their assets before she was accepted. What is left is intended to keep Dad out of poverty. I know you don't care about the money, but I am just trying to explain that money is not the issue in these situations. Dad would have been better off financially if he could have avoided having Mom in a care center.
If you think that taking care of her in your home is a viable option, consider carefully some of these factors:
1) She cannot be left alone. At all. Not while you run to the store, and sometimes not even while you take a shower! You will have zero privacy. Spontaneously doing something will be a distant memory.
2) If you work, you will need reliable in-home help while you are gone. "Reliable" help sometimes miss work, so you will miss work, too.
3) You will NEED time to yourself. Plan for regular respite care right from the beginning.
4) Dementia is a progressive disease. It will get worse. It may be stable for a week or 3 years, but it will get worse.
5) Mom can handle toileting now. That's great. Don't expect it to last forever. What is her weight? How strong are you? Think about how you will handle incontinence and changing her.
6) Depression is a common problem in dementia. It generally can be treated. It may not automatically go away, though, just because she has family around.
7) You don't mention how old your mother is. Dementia can go on for many years if there are no co-morbidity factors. How many years can you put your life on hold?
8) Mom is (if I've read your post correctly) on Medicaid now, and will no doubt need that to continue. You will have to start the application process all over in another state.
9) Caring successfully for someone with dementia requires learning about dementia.
10) Loving someone and being able to care appropriately for them are two different things. Love is a great foundation, but it isn't enough.
Please, browse these forums and read posts from people who have taken in a parent with dementia. See what issues they face, and what their concerns are.
How do you know that your mother just wants to be around family? Does she recognize you as family? Is she thrilled to see you? Does she talk about your dad or sisters or going home?
How about your sisters? Do they visit often? Have you discussed with them or with your father what she was like at home before they placed her where she is?
How long will you be in town? Are you spending full days with your mom?
If not, I would recommend looking into Bed and Breakfast style private residential care homes, which are mostly ran by health care professionals - Nurses and Doctors - that offer a "Real Home" living care option for seniors without having to be in a commercial care facility. You can send me a message for websites you can search for local ones in your area you can tour. They usually offer shared rooms from $2000 a month and own rooms from $3000 a month depending on needs.
If Private Care homes not an option, you might look at a Live-in Caregiver barter option with some pay for 24/7 care. Depending on the area you live in and the standard pay for caregivers there, you may come up with a solution this way. You can post job listing on craigslist or care.com, and of-course be sure to check backgrounds, etc.
All the best!
Making the decision to move a parent into assisted living is one of the hardest and most heart-wrenching decisions of your life. And broaching the topic is equally difficult.
There's no easy to way to bring up the topic. You have to be open and honest, without making it confrontational. Don't condascend, and don't argue. Also, consider taking your parent to visit some assisted living centers (check them out ahead of time by yourself) They will see for themselves that they aren't institutional settings where they will be isolated. Many are like retirement communities, where they can interact and socialize with others. There are restaurants, recreation, group activities and more. Rather than trying to paint a picture. Let your parent see for themselves, in person.
You might also want to read this article on that same topic:
https://www.agingcare.com/138005