My mom currently is living by herself but we are thinking about her moving in with us. What should we be concerned about if we chose to move her in?

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Okay, my mom wants to give it one more try, of living by herself in her home of 45 years. She is 88, uses a walker. If it doesn't work out, or time goes by and it stops being possible, she may move in with me and my husband.
We have extra room upstairs, but no downstairs bathrooms, and we have stairs, which she cannot do. She would be confined upstairs unless my hub & me carry her down. We might get a motorized stairlift, but my mom isn't real mobile, by nature.
I could give her her meds, food, and she goes to bathroom alone.
Does this all sound ok, or like a catastrophe in the making?

Answers 1 to 10 of 14
It really depends on your relationship with your Mother. Do you get along normally? Are your personalities compatible? Are you willing to give up your time and social life to care for her?

My normal response is that it is very difficult to combine two adult households under any circumstances. Everyone has a need for independence and privacy.

Give your Mom's plan a try with some paid in-home help and see how it goes. In the meantime research ALFs, etc. in your area. She may need more care than you can provide. Your home is really not suited for this situation.
good luck
A big part of the trouble is money. The assisted livings around here are very nice, but want 2 years of self-pay before she could go Medicaid. That would impoverish all 3 of us. And inhome care is expensive too, and would again, drain the coffers. Me and mom don't get along like peas & carrots but we know how to tell each other when to chill out.
If mom sells her house, would she have enough to pay for 2 years of AL?
Top Answer
I'll echo Lilli and I'd like to add IMHO the situation with the stairs are a deal breaker for having her live with you even if you, your DH and your mom are all 100% perfectly simpatico and kum-ba-ya. In 2007 I moved my 91 yr old mom out of her home of 50 years to IL. On retrospect, it would have been better if she had moved when she was your mom's age of 88.

The issue with the stairs sounds like she is not at all ambulatory on her own & needs a walker to move from point A to B, correct? If so, that also means that in day-to-day regular activity and also for any emergency she cannot do for herself and will need assistance. So who is going to literally be there for her 24/7 and is physically strong & healthy to carry her seamlessly if need be? She would need to have and use an alert button that one of you have at all times or is linked to a emergency care company. On a personal note, I'd like to stress the "USE" aspect, my mom just wouldn't use the alert button whether she fell at home or when she was in IL with 4 pull cords in her apt or even now that she is in a NH and there are 2 in her room and a giant red button in the bathroom. If they are that way, ("I'm OK & not my fault, the rug moved on me.....there was a paper of the floor that made me slip...the button doesn't work...somebody pushed me) there isn't much you can do about it as that is a loosing battle.

At a minimum you are going to have to install some sort of barrier to all stair openings, clear all rugs, etc. The barriers cannot be a baby-gate's either or you may find yourself in a packet of trouble with homeowners insurance. Stairlifts are good but they usually require renovation to the area if it's an old house to install.

I've dealt with the whole accessibility issue as we rebuilt our home after Katrina and are @ 24' BFE, so there is about 13' between the ground and the first (living) floor as per FEMA regulations.That's alot of space to walk to get up to your home. The house was designed so that we could live in it as we aged (we're in our 50's & 60's), like wider doors & hallways, totally doing a open-access master bath, grab bars in master bath, lower profile tub, wider exterior stairs with landings at midpoint. And we put in a "utility lift". I priced true elevators (30-35K + annual inspection), stairlifts (not code feasible plus the walls would have to be structurally very different because of load) and interior & exterior utility lifts (8K). We did an Yale hoist exterior lift that easily fits a wheelchair or 2 person's standing. If you have closets that are in the same space on both floors, look into having them retrofitted for a interior utility lift.

Also consider a ramp. A few years before my mom put in a ramp off the kitchen side back door at her 1 story 1940's era home which is about 3-4' raised. She was & still is ambulatory with a 4 footed cane but has difficulty lifting her legs as she has the Lewy Body dementia "shuffle". Her local agency on aging had a program for doing this so the cost was minimal, it wasn't her idea but her home was selected by the neighborhood association. What surprised me was the sheer length of space required to correctly put in a ramp that is code compliant. Also her homeowners insurance co came and took a picture of it. You'll need to think about doing a ramp so that she can go outside and not be stuck inside all the time and also for you all to have her get in & out of the house easier when you take her to the doctor or out shopping or for visits. The more I think about it Lili's spot-on in that she might need more care than you can provide. Remember if she still owns the house & she may need to go on Medicaid to pay for NH, the lookback is 5 years - 2016 - for any sale or transfer of property or assets. Good luck.

The bottom line is, I got discouraged hearing from ALF that no matter what I said about money, they said it wasn't enough. I could not keep trying. Mom was not social, even when she was young, and staying home is what she always did.
It just does not sound like a workable situation. Perhaps you should look for another solution rather than mom living with you.
My mom lives with me and I am her caretaker, when she first moved in years ago had many diseases but was still pretty good, could bathe, walk alone etc, now at only 74, she uses a cane, walker and wheelchair, has just started with dementia, I have to bathe her, cook, clean, all her meds, checking, taxes and any thing else you can think of, I love my mom, she is my best friend and will continue to care for her as long as I can, let me tell you, there will be times when you want to scream, runaway and hide, the stress can be overwhelming, I do alot of praying, just remember to be loving and to also take care of yourself, if you find it to be too much, look into caregivers coming in to your home to provide care for your mom so you can take some time for you self, also if it gets to the point you cannot provide the care she needs, then a nursing home will have to be a consideration, will keep you in my prayers, hugs
Hi, I will let you no my story and it might or might not help. My mom lived at her house on her own up until she was 91 years old. But in the meantime she was falling a lot. I wanted her to live with me so i could take care of her but she would not leave her home being there for 60 years. I wish i would have insisted she come with me because she wound up having a stroke and fell with 3 fractured ribs when i went over and found her that way. After her rehab i brought her to my house. all of our bedrooms are upstairs so we decided to put her on the main floor in the living room and installed a shower for her which did not cost a whole lot of money. It is working out perfect. for her and I. But keep in mind I take care of her 24/7. The work never ends. I hired a few sitters to watch over her when I need to do errands which does help but i have no life right now but that's ok. my mom would have done the same for me. She cant talk or use the right side of her body so she is in the wheelchair a lot right now which the chair fits nicely through all of the doors. She is starting to get some of her motion back but at her age its hard. keep in mind your on your feet all day taking care of your mother dealing with alot of bowel movements, washing a lot, dinners, up in the middle of the night, therapy, dr. appointments etc etc. I am extremely tired all of the time and there are also 4 other siblings that do absolutely nothing to help out. It got to the point where i decided enough is enough and i just focused on my moms well being and not them which makes me feel better. She still owns her home but eventually when I have time it will be sold and that money will be used for her care at my home if and when I need it. I will never put her in a nursing home or assisted living home. I seen way too many things with the elderly. Hope this helps and I wish you well with your decision with your mom. God Bless...
i think it can work,especially if you get a stair lift. since she is home alone now,she will still have some privacy with a room and bathroom up stairs. she probably would not want to be in the center of things anyway,. as long as you have no problem with stairs it will work.
Check into buying a 2d hand chair lift. Craigs list is a good place to start. Typically, these things aren't used very hard. We were in the same situation and moved my mom in. It's been hard on my marriage and I must make sure that hubby and I get time away on a regular basis. When it gets to be too much, you have to make the decision to move her, regardless if it drains her funds or not. Medicaid will take over. You have to look out for yourself and your husband first.

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