Should I move to where my mother lives?
I go to see her every every year, and if she has a surgery I go then to until she can get around on her own. Her health was bad last year but she has pulled out of it, drives, grocery shopes, etc. The problem is she can't take care of her house and yard. My nephew lives in her basement. He helps some (he works full time) and even though her yard looks good, it is never good enough, her house is in bad shape in need of updating and repairs. She wants family to take her to doctors' appointments, but I have set services up for her and she didn't like them. Sometimes in the winter she takes the Senior bus. But pressure is constant for me to move there including manipulation saying she is dying (I stay in touch with her doctors - not dying.) My health is bad, I've had two bouts of anemia this year, a back surgery, cellluliltis, and a special needs grandson. My kids and grandkids are living in the area where I live. I've offered to sell her house, build on the back of ours so she can have privacy, I can drive her to doctors, she can keep her dogs, I can make her bed, etc., but she doesn't like my husband. Or hurricanes. We have had four of those in the 20 plus years we have lived here. She has to cope with 70mph winds, snow, ice, and winter for 9 months of the year. She also has been a very negative angry person, and not available as a parent much, and then often inappropriately, when we were children. I have been looking at independent living lately down here, but I mentioned it once and she went ballistic. However I feel if I am prepared, next time I go out I can present her with some more options. I mentioned it before and of course she became very angry and started changing will, etc. around. I don't care about what little resources she has, I just care that she is comfortable and reasonably taken care of with her health needs. I have a sister who is still working, but she is ill too. We both have autoimmune diseases in addition to the issues I mentioned I've been dealing with. We are stumped, I've been advised by a friend to get very proactive, get the DPOA recorded and just do what we feel is best for her. She is not always making the best choices and when I visit I notice she is falling asleep with pots of rice for her dogs boiling on the stove. She told me she started a fire in the microwave. She doesn't hear well, she claims to be dying but the doctors say, while her situation not dire, she is by no means imminently in danger of dying for her conditions if she is medically compliant. I am not sure she is. She often gets prescriptions, looks up side effects and will not take them. But my moving there to "take care of her" would not change that. Being almost 70 myself, I realize that aging in not easy for anyone, but I know I must care for myself too, or I could die before her! I could just cry when I see this in writing, as both my sister, who has also made offers of arrangements for her, who lives on the other side of the U.S., is as stumped as I am. So right now we are sitting around waiting for a crises which one or the other of us may or may not be able to respond to. The nephew is sort of an "eternal" child to her, I'm not sure how able he is to handle an emergency. They did ok with the one last year when I had pneumonia and could not get out there. He will not discuss any of this with my sister or me. She has always been emotionally up and down to extremes, which has not changed, except the downs seem more severe and more often than the ups. She thinks I should be healed up from back surgery and even though the cellulitis is still there, should be able to hop a plane now before winter. I'm not healing fast enough, I admit, but that is out of control as I'm doing what the doctors say to do, except my insurance does not want to cover my physical therapy.