Is it wise to start all over again?


I am at my wits end!! I keep trying everything but Im not getting anywhere. I am the sole caregiver for my mother who lives with me. My 2 siblings do nothing to help and did nothing to help when she lived home alone. My middle sister has not called her or me since she has been here for 3 months, and the younger sister calls maybe once a week so her 2 year old, 1 year old twins and 13 year old can talk to her. When she does does speak with her its always about a problem she has and when mother gets off the phone she is upset and worried. My mother has dementia and I'm not conmfortable leaving her home while I go to work. I dont have a car so Id be gone over 11 hours a day. I have Fmla but I have no paid time left. I have a very close friend in Washington State who wants me to move there and she will help me get started finding a job, and house. I did find an Adult day care for my mom to go 2 days a week. I know she does not like it but I need to have a little break and she needs to get out and move around. We are living off her income a month and that is driving me crazy because 2 people cant live off $2100 a month! I will be 56 this month and I dont want to be caught up just living day to day and getting sicker myself. Right now I cant even get my medicine. I have HB, PAD and CAD. I just want to take my little bit 4o1K money move and start a whole new life. I live in Baltimore and I hate it here. If it were just me I would pack up and haul a- -! But my mom, do I try to take her once I find a place or do I just find an assisted living home and place her close to my sisters. My fear is they will not call or visit often and she will go down hill fast. She does not not really want to be here but she knows she cant stay alone and at least she has one of her children. I just want some insight from a few of my fellow caregivers. I had no idea caregiving would be this hard!!! You really no longer have your own life.

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Vernon and Naheaton
You both really gave me the best advice and you both did not give suggestions that were so outlandish that they were out of my reach or thoughts. I will visit Washington first to be sure this is what and where I want to be. Thank you so much for answering with direct common sense answers and still giving me the support I need.

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Often... and as difficult as it is... the best way to get to a point within which you can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel is to tackle the most difficult problem first. But even if we are willing to do so, sometimes we just don't know exactly what that problem is. Conscientious Caregivers seem to most often look outbound to be sure they are doing all they can do to help those they are caring for. That's normal. Let me suggest though, that in this case, anything or anyone 'outbound' (Mom) is not your biggest problem. If you continue to focus primarily on your Mom, the problems you now experience will not only always remain, but worse... you'll likely increasingly fall into greater depths of despair.

denise55, you've got to begin to become better than a mere 'Conscientious' Caregiver. You've got to exceed that GREAT goal by FIRST focusing on yourself... FIRST AND FOREMOST. That doesn't mean laying Mom aside in your thoughts and acts of love and attitudes, it just means making yourself the FIRST priority for awhile. By so doing, you'll have placed yourself en-route toward obtaining a greater sense of mental and emotional stability through which you'll become better able to serve both your Mom and yourself probably far better than you might now believe you serve.

naheaton is right! Do whatever it takes to place your Mom in some place safe so you can get away for awhile. But be aware, if you are like most of us, you won't really be fully rested when you return. A good start, perhaps, but not the whole answer. But, if you do in fact travel to Washington to where you KNOW you'll receive love, care and help.. THEN when you return it won't be as though you are only returning to the same old thing. Especially if while in Washington you employ every resource to try to discover any new promising platform from which you might again be able to rise. By so doing you will have taken the initial steps to make your and your Mom's future better.

YES. Inasmuch as you are considering that option, then by all means START OVER. As you wisely and in a timely manner take the proper steps, you'll become the better for it!

And don't procrastinate... but also, don't run ahead foolishly. First locate a place within which you know your Mom will be safe. That, so you won't worry as much. Next, plan your trip. Absolutely let your friend know what your very, very necessary goals are. And finally, GO FOR IT.
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Can you have your mom stay at the respite room at an asst living facility? They could keep her for a week, giving you some rest, or maybe you'd rather use that time to check out the living arrangements for her in Washington. That way you wouldn't be flying blind so to speak with the whole move her or don't move her thing.
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