What is the right way to move a resistant elderly parent into assisted living?


My dad has dimentia but still knows names, where he is, and drives, although he is forgetful and has a hard time retaining information. My mother-in-law is ready for assisted living but he wants to stay in his spacious home. She has been trying to get him declared medically incompetent and we have been told she did accomplish this. My brother and his wife just came into town and made a plan with the mother-in-law to find an assisted living home and without telling dad just bringing him there when it is ready, dropping him off and just saying you live here now. They will also take away his vehicle at this time. Is this the proper way to handle this?

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My father is 86 years old, he will be 87 years old in 4 months. His wife died 2 years ago, and I, as well as, my husband, sister and brother started to help him. His wife was a hoarder and we removed 60 tons of stuff, we sold 5 of his propeties, they had not prepared for retirement, we dealt with 12 renters, and cleaning up the 5 properties. When we found him he weighed 128 lbs, and had no food in the house. We removed over 200 mice and rats. We got his BP under control, had his cancer in his nose removed, had his Parkinson's dianosed. He got up to 151 lbs, and was doing wonderful. My brother moved into his home, but he could only be a companion and 1st responder because he is disabled, blind and double aputee. My sister is 70 years old, and she cleans his 2800 sq ft house, and my father has a cather she has been trained to flush, we have a visiting nurse come to the home to change the cather. His drivers license was suspended by the DMV, and we sold his cars. He has fallen and had a brain bleed, so we replaced the carpet with hardwood floors, and we have made a lot of changes to the house, for safety, handrails, etc. Back in January we started the conversations about going into a assistant living home, he just said NO. I live out of state and I handle all his bills, bookkeeping, accounting, insurance, and keep the books for the one rental he has left. We now have a standing medical order from his doctor that he can not live alone or take care of himself. That he also needs skilled help, and we are unable to provide him that care. He can not afford for someone to live in his home as a caregiver. We have found a wonderful Assisted Living Facility, and even though he is still sharp in the mind, he can not take care of himself, and continues to fall as his Parkinson gets worse. He will not even consider going to see the facility let alone move in. We are lost, my sister and I do have Power of Attorney, both medical and durable, what can we do? We would love it if he could see the whole picture, but he will not.
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Well, for one thing, I wouldn't wait to take away his vehicle until he moves. A person with dementia SHOULD NOT DRIVE. Do whatever it takes to accomplish that immediately.

Is it your step-mother (your dad's wife?) who is working with your brother on this matter? Does she have durable power of attorney?

I think that when your father is told of this move depends on his degree of cognitive impairment. If he doesn't remember things he is told and would have to be told it over and over, upsetting him each time, then putting off telling him until the event is ready to happen may be a kindness.

The "proper" way to handle this is whatever works for a particular situation. It needs to be based on the particular individual involved.

I hope this works out well for everyone.
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